Vampires Vs Zombies

I know that this topic has already been covered by others much smarter than I, but what is the deal with teenagers and vampires these days?
I mean, REALLY -- there are all of these lame vampire movies and TV shows, and now kids are even pretending to be friggin' vampires. I've seen them at malls and hanging out in K-Mart parking lots. They get all dressed up in black, and paint their faces white. They're like goths, only more wussy and with even crappier music.


Why is the Twilight series so popular? These vampires are totally lame. Same goes for that one TV show about the teenage vampires (I forget what it's called, and don't care). I also hear there's an HBO series about vamps, and even though I assume it gets positive reviews (since it's on HBO), I also assume it's terrible. I mean, what's so great about vampires? They live forever, hog all the blood, and feel sorry for themselves about it. Those are hardly values that we should be teaching our teens.

Frankly, there are too many vampires running around. These creatures are a menace, and should not be romanticized by the media. They have to be stopped!

Why can't kids today instead aspire to be, say, zombies? Ah, good old fashioned zombies. They're so much more wholesome and clean-cut than vampires. A zombie will know its role and stay out of shenanigans. You don't see zombies sneaking out of their bedrooms at night to go engage in underage blood drinking at the McDonald's after curfew, do you? No, you'll never see that. You know how come? -- Because zombies are good kids.


And hey -- I'm not trying to be a drag on the kids of today, either, man! I can rap with the youngsters and "be down" with what's "going down" in their world. I'm totally with it! I was young once, and remember what it was like to rebel. When I was a kid, I looked up to Teen Wolf, which my parents said was dangerous. But I knew better -- Teen Wolf was a responsible monster-kid hybrid who taught good values; a fine role model, even if he seemed a little different. I could aspire to be like him even though my "rents" didn't understand, and everything turned out OK. Why can't young people today take a page from me??? Admire monsters in a more responsible manner!


Then, when I was in my teenage years, I got a little too rebellious and ran into trouble. Things got crazy...I fell in with the Frankenstein crowd. Yeah, we got into some trouble, us kids who dressed like Frankenstein. Those were wild days, and although I won't go into detail, let's just say that I nearly wound up with a police record. Whew! In the end, I learned the hard way that sometimes you've got to follow the straight and narrow in order to be cool. It's just like that recent hit from Huey Lewis says -- you've got to be a square to remain hip!


But even us Frankenstein kids weren't as out there as today's vampire teens, and I hope that such wayward youngsters learn to get off the blood before it's too late. Kids, you're walking down a dangerous path. Please, look to other mythic creatures for inspiration. For instance, I know that it's fairly common for teenage girls to mimic skeletons these days, and I think that's a great start. But these vampires...I mean, yowza! Vamps are just plain dangerous. Plus, they're boring.

...Which reminds me of a movie.

Habit (1996)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0113241/


Netflix description:
In this stark vampire film, the near-alcoholic Sam (Larry Fessenden) meets the hauntingly beautiful Anna (Meredith Snaider) at a Greenwich Village, N.Y., costume party -- and then she promptly disappears. Sam becomes obsessed with the woman, abandoning his friends when they need him the most -- most notably his pal Larry (Jesse Hartman), who had a fling with a similarly mysterious girl and now appears sickly and pale.

Yeah, Habit is an obscure vampire movie made by one of them self-styled writer-director-producer-stars guys. You know the type -- someone who wants to be a filmmaker, but can't convince anyone else to help him, so he just finds some equipment and tries to do everything himself. In this case, it's Larry Fessenden.

I could tell from the get-go that the star of this movie was also its writer and director because no casting person in his right mind would allow a dude who looks like Larry Fessenden to have the lead role in anything (except maybe a film about meth heads). I mean, hey -- I hate to criticize anyone based off their appearance, since I know that I'm hardly a looker myself, but this guy really should not have been starring in a motion picture. His forehead is about twelve feet high, he weighs around 47 pounds, and he's missing teeth, for God's sake. Now, I admit that I, too, am missing some teeth...but they'll all in the back of my mouth and cannot be seen. Plus, I'm not starring in a friggin' MOVIE.

Anyway, Habit is about a guy named Sam who lives in New York. He's at a party one night, and meets up with a mysterious woman named Anna who, for reasons unknown, is totally attracted to him. The two lock eyes, and leave the party together. Soon, they're "getting busy" in a city park. Anna then disappears, but Sam can't stop thinking about her and, sure enough, they run into each other again a few days later. This Anna woman transfixes him; Sam lusts after her with an almost insane intensity. Why that is so isn't too clear, either, as Anna is hardly the hottest vampy bat girl that I have seen. I can tell that the actress who plays her was just some friend of Mr. Fessenden's. He must have been like, "PLEASE, Meredith. Just do my movie! You're the only one of my friends who isn't completely nasty." And she was all, "Fine. Whatever."


Well, Sam and Anna continue their affair, but things seem a bit off about her. She won't talk about what she does for a living; she never seems to eat; and she's always disappearing for extended periods (mainly during the day). Then, Sam starts to notice himself feeling sick all of the time. Yes, my friends -- Anna is a vampire.

What follows is a totally boring chronicle of Sam's efforts to unravel the mystery of Anna. IT TAKES FOREVER for any real vampire action to get underway, and by the time it does, we're too bored to really care. That's a shame, as the film's last ten minutes or so are remarkably action-packed. The journey to those precious scenes, however, are simply a drag.

As far as vampires go, Anna is fairly uncharismatic. She doesn't even unleash the fangs until well into the film's third act, and really, ought to be ashamed of her poor undead etiquette. At this point, I would like to turn to another, more well-respected, vampire to summarize Habit for us:


Here's what I did like about Habit: it's depiction of New York City was absolutely dead-on. Having spent some time in the Big Crapple myself, I felt like I was right there again while watching this picture. At least Larry Fessenden has the ability to establish an atmosphere. Plus, this film's sex scenes are well above average and, as noted, it has a great ending.

Bottom line is that Habit is a rental for horror fans only. All others are advised to continue ignoring this one. Meh.

2 out of 5.

b.