Like A Car Rolling Into A Ditch

So, I'm back to blogging after a week's hiatus....
I was busy with other stuff, but I guess it's important to get back on the horse. Therefore, I'm here today to tell you about the greatest nation on Earth. Yes, I've written before about such proud lands as Pitcairn Island, Bulgaria, North Korea, and Iceland; now I'm here to talk about the world's smallest micronation, the Principality of Sealand.


See, in the late 1960s, a former British Navy officer occupied an abandoned World War II outpost a few miles off his country's coast in the North Sea. According to legend, the British military had constructed this facility -- consisting of two huge concrete towers and an iron platform -- as a fort to stash munitions. When the war ended, the Brits just abandoned the place, and there it sat for some decades, occasionally being used by pirate radio operators, but otherwise up for grabs.

Well finally, this guy, Major Paddy Roy Bates, decided that it was time someone claimed the vacant fort for the power of good, so he went ahead and moved his whole family in sometime during the month of September in 1967. The first few years of living in the outpost -- once named "Fort Roughs" -- were a spartan and uncertain time for the Bates clan, as it wasn't clear if they really belonged there, and various pirate radio factions were constantly trying to take the place over; but like all great heroes, Major Bates refused to give in and EVENTUALLY, his rights to the tower which he called "Sealand" were established.

See, it all came to a head in 1968 when Bates fired upon a maintenance ship that got a little too close to the base. A British court ordered him to appear on several weapons charges, but when he didn't show up to the scheduled hearing, another panel determined that the issue should be dropped. Since Sealand was technically outside of British legal jurisdiction, they reasoned, the courts had no real authority over the place. In essence, this meant that Major Bates owned Sealand, and no one could claim sovereignty over it but him. He declared it an independent state, even drafting a formal constitution and printing currency and stamps. It was the birth of a beautiful new nation.


But Sealand's troubles did not end there. No, friends -- the fledgling nation was drawn into an all-out international war in 1978.

Wikipedia's account of the conflict is riveting. Basically, what happened was that some Austrian and German businessmen tricked Major Bates -- now, "KING Bates" -- into leaving Sealand for a few days to discuss an exporting venture. While he was gone, mercenaries stormed the North Sea stronghold, imprisoning Bates' son, Prince Michael. The idea was to take over the Sealand outpost and use it for diamond smuggling, but the Bates family would have none of that. In a daring rescue mission, King Bates and a film stuntman friend overpowered the Sealand occupying force, taking several prisoners of war. Ensuing negotiations between Bates and the German government to get its citizens back further seemed to legitimize Bates' hold on Sealand and its independence, and after that, Sealand was left to flourish with almost no outside interference for decades.

The information age has meant a whole new economy for Sealand, as its leaders (the Bates family) in 2002 set up a data storage company called HavenCo. See, since Sealand is not subject to any international law, internet companies that engage in activities one might consider "sensitive" may find it an attractive place to locate their information. Some huge servers were moved there in the early part of the last decade, and technicians to run them are among Sealand's latest inhabitants. They get to live in little quarters located within the concrete towers (lucky sons of you-know-whats). You can find out more about life on Sealand with this neat video:


Also, Sealand is in the merchandise business. Yup, you can buy t-shirts and even ROYAL TITLES from its official website, http://www.sealandgov.org. Pretty neat, eh? I am totally going to purchase both things...although I wish I could be a count, instead of a Baron. Counts are cool.

Anyway, according to Wikipedia, Sealand has entered the modern era in several other ways, as well:

"Sealand also has an official online newspaper, Sealand News.[46] In addition, a number of amateur athletes "represent" Sealand in sporting events, including unconventional events like the egg throwing world championship, which the Sealand team won in 2008. According to Sealand News,[48] a movie called Sealand is in development for release in 2010. As of 11 February 2007, Sealand is also taking bookings for tourist visits. For a period, Sealand camouflage passports were mass-manufactured and sold widely by a Spanish-based group believed to be associated with the "exile government..."

Good for them!

Needless to say, I want to live in Sealand, as it sounds like my kind of place. Sadly, I know that I am not worthy, and must continue to admire its riches from afar. That's OK, though -- I wish Sealand well. May its noble inhabitants continue to thrive and ward off invaders for generations to come. Huzzah!


Now here's a zombie movie.

Zombies of Mass Destruction (2009)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1134674/


Netflix description:
When flesh-eating zombies assault their idyllic town, a ragtag group of locals -- including gay couple Tom (Doug Fahl) and Lance (Cooper Hopkins), Iranian American college student Frida (Janette Armand) and conservative Rev. Haggis (Bill Johns) -- join forces to repel the brutal onslaught. Set in a paranoid post-9/11 America, this nerve-racking horror movie offers witty social satire as well as an abundance of blood and guts.

Sigh....

So, this one is about a small American town in which a zombie outbreak...uh...outbreaks.

See, it takes place around the time when the latest war in Iraq started, so the inhabitants of this small conservative town are all paranoid about people from the Middle East. Of course, it happens that one of our main characters is of Iranian descent, so when the zombies start attacking, all of the local rednecks blame her. That makes the movie kind of interesting, I guess...but you know what? I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's start from the beginning here.

The first half hour of Zombies of Mass Destruction is really just about a bunch of small town folk, dealing with typical small town crap. There's a gay kid returning home from college who wants to come out of the closet; there's the previously-mentioned Iranian chick who struggles to balance her father's old-world expectations with her own desire to fit in; there's a clergyman who anxiously awaits the End of Days....You know, standard stuff. They all kind of get their characters established for us while a zombie disaster brews. In the vein of Shaun of the Dead, Zombies of Mass Destruction gives us little hints that something is coming, although it doesn't tell us why or how.

Just when we start to get a bit bored, the mayhem goes down. Our gay hero is sitting at the kitchen table, and then all of a sudden, BLAM -- his mom's a zombie and she bites at him. Meanwhile, across town, our Middle Eastern hottie is sitting in the car with her date, and then KABLOOEY -- the BF's head is getting ripped off. I liked the way the film transitioned so quickly between small town comedy and full-blown undead gorefest. Seriously, it changes from one movie into another within seconds. That's a nice way to do it.

Anyway, the national media gets wind of what's happening on the island in which this town is located, and speculation runs rampant about the cause. This being not long after the Nine-Eleven attacks, of course, terrorists get blamed immediately, and widespread panic ensues. The rube neighbor of our Iranian girl takes her hostage, believing her to be in on the attack. WILL she convince the idiot's less stupid son to let her go? CAN the gay dude and his super cute BF escape from the island?? WILL this zombie outbreak reach the mainland's shore???

(The Iranian girl.)

As indicated, Zombies of Mass Destruction is one of them new zombie comedies. It's fairly inoffensive, and I GUESS a little smarter than many others of the same genre...but HONESTLY, how many of these do I have to watch? The market has become saturated with zombie comedies. Not even the George W Bush-inspired political satire here can really make this picture stand out. It's just kind of BLAH.

Not BAD, you understand -- on the contrary, Zombies of Mass Destruction features surprisingly charismatic performances (especially from the hot Iranian chick), and production values here are quite high. It's well-paced, and even well-scripted to a degree. So why wasn't I thrilled by it?

Well...as noted, it's just so darn BLAH. There are too many of these movies, and Zombies of Mass Destruction simply fails to distinguish itself enough to be worth watching. Do we REALLY care about these characters? Nope, not really. Does the film provide us with a new spin on zombie violence?? Can't say it does. Is it especially scary, or at least FUNNY??? Nu-uh. Sorry, but this one is totally middle of the road.

One could certainly do worse than Zombies of Mass Destruction, but that doesn't change the fact that I've seen this one a hundred times before. It's simply nothing to write home about. At best, it's a rental. Meh, blegh, and blah.

3 out of 5.

b.