Know Your Cults

I touched upon the subject of cults in my previous entry....
Now, I hate to dwell on a particular issue for too long, but the whole cult phenomenon raised by the documentary Join Us got me to thinking. How can someone tell if he or she has, in fact, fallen in with a bonafide cult??? After all, it's a fascinating subject -- where do we draw the line between a simple church and a mind control cult that wants to swallow your soul?


Now, don't get me wrong -- I'm not saying religion is bad. In fact, I think orderly, well-intended faith is essential for keeping civility among the masses. Plus, a properly-run religious organization can do much good in the world and provide a sort of peace and enlightenment to its more advanced members. That's a lovely, lovely thing.

BUT....

What about cults? They're not real religions; they're dictatorships run by nutballs who think God can communicate with them through the fillings in their teeth. A cult leader might rob you blind, impregnate your daughter with his lunatic seed, and leave you for dead in a shack out in Death Valley. And the wildest part??? -- You'd ENJOY the whole experience because, if the cult master is any good, he'll already have you completely brainwashed by the time things go that far. Joining a cult leads to disaster for entire families. You MUST protect yourself.

Let's say that it's two AM, and you and your spouse are enjoying a Moons Over My Hammy at your local Denny's. An older gentleman with a warm smile and blank void in his eyes approaches you. He's holding a Bible, and starts telling you stuff about stories in it. Hey, the guy seems pretty nice, you like the scent of his aftershave, and he happens to mention that he just started his own church. You want in???


You guys figure, "Hey, why not? We've had nothing to do since 'LOST' was canceled, anyway." So, you and the missus head over to this strange pastor's compound. He greets you at the door, and soon, little bits of info about his fledgling congregation start to emerge. Should you be suspicious of anything he tells you??? I'm here to help.

See, after careful consideration, and literally MINUTES of intense research, I've come up with an easy-to-use guide for us all. I give you Eight Ways To Tell If You've Just Joined A Cult. Let's get stated.

--NUMBER EIGHT: IT WANTS A LARGE PORTION OF YOUR MONEY.

Financial guru and radio host Dave Ramsey claims that the average religious person should contribute a "tithe" of his or her income to the church. A tithe, you see, is about ten percent. In other words, you're supposed to donate ten percent of your dough to your religion.

Now, that still seems like way too much to me. If a tithe of my income is to go to anything other than food, movies, or video games, it'd better be a lot more important than some church; but I guess the faithful feel a little different, so let's just go with good old Dave Ramsey's advice and say you should give ten percent. Fair enough.

(As if the cross carved into his forehead isn't enough of a warning sign....)

If your new spiritual guru asks (or, even worse, EXPECTS) you to give more than that magic number to the church, that's a warning sign. I'd say you and the wife better start scanning the Yellow Pages for a new congregation because, if this one is that greedy when it comes to money, one can only imagine what it will want from your soul.

--NUMBER SEVEN: IT TELLS YOU WHERE TO LIVE.

Major warning sign right here.

I mean, sure -- it only makes sense that you'd be expected to live at least within 50 miles or so of the church you're attending, but if the pastor starts telling you, like, EXACTLY where to make your residence, you need to reconsider your options.


In particular, if the pastor wants you to live in a place that he OWNS, you should be deeply suspicious. Let's say he asks you to shack up in his new compound, which is surrounded by moats, a minefield, and several miles of barbed wire fences. That's definitely a bad, bad omen. No church leader should have round-the-clock surveillance powers over you. In fact, ANYONE who wants to monitor the activities of anyone else like that is disturbed and should never be trusted.

--NUMBER SIX: IT TELLS YOU WHERE TO WORK.

While it might be reasonable for your spiritual guide to demand that you, say, stop working as a stripper or prostitute, he really has no right to insist that you earn your living in some SPECIFIC manner of his choosing.

Like, if the pastor says that you've got to come work for his construction business at a wage of four dollars an hour (three of which will go directly into the flock's petty cash box), then you've got a real problem on your hands.


Additionally, if the guru tries to guilt you into abandoning your independent career on the grounds that you're only doing it out of some sinful "pride," there's about a 60 percent chance right there that he's a cult master. The truth is that the guy doesn't want you going off to work on your own where he can't keep an eye on you all day. Plus, he might just be jealous.

Darnit, if you want to work midnights at the local placemat factory, instead of doing contracted roofing work for your pastor's brother, then that's YOUR RIGHT AS AN AMERICAN!

--NUMBER FIVE: IT CUTS YOU OFF FROM FAMILY AND FRIENDS.

Now we're really getting into the obvious signs that you've entered a cult. Frankly, if the church leader tells you to avoid your family and friends because they're all a bunch of dirty sinners, AND YOU OBEY HIM, then you're kind of dumb. Needless to say, the guru's REAL reason for separating you from loved ones is that he knows they'll smell a rat immediately and try to convince you to leave the fold.


Hey, wanting to avoid your drunken, deadbeat brother forever is perfectly normal; just don't do it because some cult leader told you to. It should be YOUR decision!

--NUMBER FOUR: IT TELLS YOU WHAT TO WEAR.

Once again, there are levels of DEGREE to consider here. For instance, many Christian churches warn their womenfolk to dress "modestly,"and that's OK. At least in that scenario, some level of personal choice still exists for the women. They can go with the polka dot gingham dress, OR the green and pink hoopskirt; just as long as no naughty parts are clearly visible, everything's cool.

But when the religious organization starts handing out SPECIFIC rules on what everyone's supposed to wear, I hear CULT ALERT quite clearly in my mind...especially if they've got some kind of regulation underpants for you.


Yeah, I know the Mormons have uniform underclothes, and they're not necessarily a cult. Then again, have you ever noticed the distant, blank look that all Mormons seem to have in their eyes? Hmmm??? I mean, what's the deal with the required underwear???

(OK, so maybe he's not so bad, after all.)

I mean, no offense. The bottom line is that no religion should have uniforms. That's all I'm sayin'.

--NUMBER THREE: IT SUBJECTS YOU TO BEATINGS AND TORTURE.

All right, this one should be really friggin' obvious. If your pastor, say, punches you in the face, then you might want to move on.


It's shocking to learn how many cult leaders get away with such behavior...although, actually, the violence is usually directed at the women members of the flock. See, a cult leader knows that if he slaps a man, he may just get slapped back. Even an obedient, mindwashed, MALE cult member might still lash out with violence if subjected to it. That's us men -- you just never know when we'll decide that we've had too much and lash out with our fists of fury. Kinda like dogs and their fangs of fury. CHECK YOURSELF!!!

So, the womenfolk often get smacked around in a cult...but not nearly as much as the children. Yeah, a cult leader will usually have no qualms about abusing a kid. He might claim that he's "disciplining" the child when he straps him to the radiator and whips him with a bungee cord; but those of us who are not completely insane know better.

The second your spiritual guide becomes violent, you should split.

--NUMBER TWO: IT'S STOCKPILING WEAPONS:

This one comes from the Book of David...Koresh.


Any church that hides a large amount of guns in a bunker out back is really just asking for trouble. Whether your pastor tells you that it's in preparation for a race war, holy war, or cola war, you really should not believe him.

Tell the leader that you're heading to Walmart to pick up some extra shotgun shells, and then never go back.

--NUMBER ONE: SUICIDE!!!

This is your final warning sign. If your church asks you to kill yourself, there is a 100 percent chance that it's a cult.

Get. Out. Now.


I really can't stress this enough -- no non-cult expects any of its members to commit suicide, whether it be through a bomb strapped to the chest, or a simple cyanide tablet. The second your leader asks you to take on such a mission, you've got to make a break for it.

Sneak out of the barracks the moment everyone else has fallen asleep. Cross your fingers as you run across the minefield; distract the guard dogs with some raw meat stolen from the pastor's personal pantry; plug your nose and don't swallow as you swim across the poisonous moat; and try not to scream in pain as you untangle yourself from the barbed wire fence. Then, make your way to the nearest rest stop by following only major roads. And DON'T HITCHHIKE!!! The cult will dispatch a fleet of plain white conversion vans to look for you the second your absence is noticed. Lay low, and make your way to a safe place...like Sealand.

And forget about your wife and kids. It's too late to save them.


Well, there you have it, folks -- eight easy ways to spot a cult. And while we're on the subject, here's a movie that's so bad it's achieved a cult-like status of its own.

The Room (2003)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0368226/


Netflix description:
Uninhibited by cinematic convention, this quirky cult favorite about lust and duplicity delivers nonstop laughs from beginning to end as the film's central character (writer-director Tommy Wiseau) discovers that his foxy fiancée, Lisa (Juliette Danielle), is bedding his best friend. Adding to the hilarity are Greg Sestero, who plays the backstabbing buddy, and Carolyn Minnott as Lisa's materialistic mom.

OK, all fans of bad cinema should be familiar with The Room by now. It's quite possibly the worst movie ever made. I can't believe I never heard of it until a few weeks ago.

The Room is a drama made by a guy named Tommy Wiseau. Somehow, this man of mystery scraped together seven million dollars to produce this hilariously-bad motion picture about a banker named Johnny who gets screwed over by a conniving, adulterous woman. I can't stress to you how inept every aspect of this movie really is. It is absolutely mind-blowing. You HAVE to see it.

In this film, Johnny is engaged to Lisa. They seem to have a happy relationship until Lisa announces, out of the blue, that she no longer loves Johnny. Why??? BECAUSE HE'S BORING, of course! Swear to God -- that's what she says.

Lisa starts an affair with Johnny's best friend, Mark. The two of them get it on several times, in some of the longest, most poorly-shot sex scenes ever committed to film. Johnny, whose international origins remain a mystery (seriously -- you gotta hear this guy's accent), is oblivious to what's going on...until Lisa and Mark get nasty at JOHNNY'S BIRTHDAY PARTY...like, TEN FEET AWAY FROM HIM.


After catching them, Johnny flips out and shoots himself in the head. Lisa and Mark find him, headless, and actually wonder if he's OK. Then, Mark rejects Lisa for being a tramp, and all fades to black. The End.

OK, so you're wondering why The Room is so bad. My God, where could I begin??? This is one of those films that fails so hilariously on every level that it boggles the mind. It's supposed to be a serious drama, but everything about it is so awkward that no scene works at all. Honestly, one could watch any random moment from The Room and find great amusement. The best way to understand this movie is to watch it.

Every exchange is wrong; every shot is miscalculated; the performances (in particular, Tommy Wiseau's, as Johnny) are the worst I've ever seen outside of the X-Rated genre. Nothing about The Room flows properly. I've never experienced anything like it.

Look, if you're too lazy to check out The Room, at least watch the Nostalgia Critic's review. It sums the entire thing up better than any blog post from me could possibly hope to:


There's not much I can contribute to the discussion about The Room that the Nostalgia Critic right there (and hundreds of other web posters) hasn't already said. I simply consider it my duty to inform you folks about this movie, in case you're in the dark. The Room is bad in ways that are difficult to fathom. It's the weirdest specimen of incompetence that has ever graced my DVD player. I have so many questions -- in particular, who IS Tommy Wiseau??? He's such a mystery. I'm not even sure if he's real. It's like Gene Simmons decided to pull a prank and play a Borat-type character.

And I mean it when I say that you should see The Room. Seriously -- this one really IS so bad that it's good (AND entertaining). I'm not even sure what to rate it. I mean, The Room is the worst movie I have ever seen, but that very fact made me like it. Do I act like a humorless jerk and rate the thing a one out of five? OR, do I commend it for achieving something that no film besides perhaps Battlefield Earth has? Hmmmm....

You know what? Screw it. I give The Room a...

5 out of 5.

b.