Head Games

Hey, I've got a fun idea....
Let's take the Rorschach Test!


Yeah, the Rorschach Test. You know -- it's that psychological exam in which a person is shown a series of ink blots and asked to describe what he "sees" in them. Head shrinkers for decades have been using the Rorschach to better understand the creative inner workings of their patients' minds, and we've all seen representations of the Rorschach in TV shows or films at least a few times.

But here's the thing -- those ink blot tests you may have caught on the TV were almost certainly NOT the real deal. See, until somewhat recently, the REAL ink blots used for the Rorschach Test were kept secret. The psychiatry world didn't want folks outside of the practice to get ahold of them because that could compromise the test's effectiveness. I mean, think about it. If I'm a mental patient, and I know in advance what kinds of ink blots I'll be shown during an evaluation, AND I ALSO know what kinds of answers might reflect negatively on my mental health, I could very well "cheat" on the whole thing by preparing for it. Makes sense, right?

("I see blood! I see BODIES!! I SEE...LADY GAGA TELLING ME TO DO THINGS!!!!")

Well, not too long ago, the authentic Rorschach images leaked onto the internet (GASP!). Some psychologists were outraged, and the issue became a news story for about three hours...but whatever. I personally have no sympathy for them, and would actually go as far as to say that this kind of thing is precisely what makes the internet a wonderful place. I mean, personally, I enjoy knowing the professional secrets of others...and in the case of psychologists, not only are those secrets interesting, but they're also potentially useful.

Suppose you're involved in some sort of, say, legal proceeding, and the judge orders you to undergo a mental health evaluation. The situation could be criminal or civil; you could be innocent or guilty; it really doesn't matter for the purposes of this discussion (I'm not here to question your character). Don't you think it might just be worth your while to prepare? After all, you wouldn't want some lousy, fancy pants, book-learnin' college boy of a DOCTOR to tell the court you're "crazy" just because you saw monsters with giant genitalia in his silly little ink blots! No, you'd be much better equipped to defeat that sneaky, note-taking weasel if you could see what his blots looked like beforehand. That way, there'd be no surprises.


THAT'S why we'll be taking the Rorschach Test right now. Below are all ten of its genuine ink blot images. Let's take a look, and see if we can't formulate some good answers together. Keep in mind that there ARE "correct" responses that psychologists look for, but I'd like to come up with some that are a little bit different, just to throw 'em off.

---IMAGE ONE---

Now, one of the first rules of the Rorschach Test is to never say anything sexual or violent. Even if the psychologist shows you a screen grab from a snuff film, you should remember to keep reproductive organs and murder out of your responses, period. Don't let them fool you.

So, what do we get from the below image?


Again, don't say that you think it looks like a set of festering pig intestines wrapped in a leather nurse's uniform, no matter how much you might want to. Remember -- our answers must be NORMAL sounding.

With that in mind, I'd say that the above image looks like some kind of superhero ninja mouse (or maybe a bat). Perhaps he could be featured on a Disney-produced afternoon cartoon series, or a popular franchise of video games. His name would be Turbo Darkblast: Crime Fighting Mouse-Bat.

An answer like that might also get you points for creativity.

--WHAT THE CORRECT RESPONSE IS SUPPOSED TO BE:
Bat, butterfly, or moth.

--MY RESPONSE:
"Crime fighting mutant mouse-bat who can fly and likes Reggae music."

---IMAGE TWO---

Another tip for the Rorschach Test is to say things that are cheerful. If your answers tend to reflect a positive outlook on life, then the psychologist may just determine that you're simply too happy to be dangerous. Seeing some cuddly puppy dogs and balloons with smiley faces in the ink blots here and there could help your cause.

So, what's in this picture?


Why, it's a clown mask, of course! See -- it's got a funny beard and big old smile on its silly-dilly face! Not an EVIL clown at all; just a happy, friendly clown, like the ones I remember from the birthday parties I was given each year in my perfect, non-abusive childhood. I'm very well-adjusted, aren't I?

Really, that clown definitely DOES NOT have horrible thoughts of murder on a constant basis. That would be CRAZY!

--WHAT THE CORRECT RESPONSE IS SUPPOSED TO BE:
Two people touching hands.

--MY RESPONSE:
"A happy, laughing clown with a big old fluffy beard who never thinks of homicide, and has CERTAINLY never committed arson."

---IMAGE THREE---

Experts on the Rorschach Test say that a patient should never state DEFINITIVELY what an image is supposed to be. Rather, you're merely advised to say "That looks like it could be..." as though it's just a suggestion.


Therefore, we must control our impulse to shout out "That's definitely two butlers falling in love as they pick up a suitcase!" when we see the above ink blot. Additionally, we probably shouldn't mention -- at all -- the sledge hammers that are being hurled at each butler from behind...OR the fact that each man appears to be highly aroused.

--WHAT THE CORRECT RESPONSE IS SUPPOSED TO BE:
Two people.

--MY RESPONSE:
"Two butlers sharing that special moment when they realize that they've fallen in love. They're picking up a large suitcase, and fireworks are going off behind them. The odds may be stacked against these two unconventional lovebirds, but I wish them all the best. Something tells me they're gonna make it."

---IMAGE FOUR---

It's common for people to see animals in the Rorschach Test, and that's fortunate, because I usually seem to picture cartoonish fantasy creatures in everything, which ain't all that different from just seeing regular animals. Take this image:


It's obvious to me that we're dealing with a depressed dragon. Perhaps he's feeling a bit down in the dumps because his feet are so huge, and the other dragons tease him about it. I'd better not mention the depression part, though. It's too negative.

--WHAT THE CORRECT RESPONSE IS SUPPOSED TO BE:
A massive animal skin.

--MY RESPONSE:
"A friendly dragon named Puddles who has to stand in an awkward, bent-down posture because of his huge feet. He's wearing special therapeutic sneakers, but they don't help much. Don't worry about him, though -- he's got a can-do attitude and high hopes!"

---IMAGE FIVE---

Some of the ink blot images so obviously look like something in particular that it might be best for us to simply give the common answer. I mean, if we get creative with ALL of them, the doctors might suspect something is up. Take this one:


Almost EVERYONE says that it looks like a bug, bird, or bat. Let's just be lazy for this one, and go with the standard response.

--WHAT THE CORRECT RESPONSE IS SUPPOSED TO BE:
A bug or bat.

--MY RESPONSE:
"A bug or bat...named Heinrick. And he's made of leaves. By the way, how many of these are there, anyway?"

---IMAGE SIX---

Psychologists will dock some points from your Rorschach score if you take too long to respond. This particular image might be one that trips a lot of people up:

Be ready to say something when they flash it at you, but don't do it too eagerly, either. Look at the image for a second, and answer coolly that you see a Terry Gilliam-style animated peacock sitting on a bear skin rug. It's listening to Coldplay.

--WHAT THE CORRECT RESPONSE IS SUPPOSED TO BE:
An animal hyde.

--MY RESPONSE:
"A Terry Gilliam-style animated peacock sitting on a bear skin rug, listening to Coldplay. It definitely does NOT have a massive female sexual organ right there on its torso."

---IMAGE SEVEN---

Let's do another one.

That's clearly two severed arms giving the thumbs-up to each other. They're held together by a zipper.

--WHAT THE CORRECT RESPONSE IS SUPPOSED TO BE:
Human faces.

--MY RESPONSE:
"The thumbs-up -- a symbol of success, achievement, and my positive outlook on life. How much longer is this test going to take?

---IMAGE EIGHT---

The biggest flaw with the Rorschach Test is that it's almost entirely subjective. Many psychologists will argue that, as a method of determining a person's intelligence or mental stability, the Rorschach is vastly inferior to other, more measurable, tests. Keep that in mind when answering. If you begin to irritate the psychologist, he may very well allow his own dislike for you to affect what score you get. Adjust your answers according to his reactions.


Like, with this image, I see two longshoremen hang gliding...but by the time my test gets around to this stage, the doctor may be so tired of me that I'd have to supply a less creative response or risk getting shafted by him.

--WHAT THE CORRECT RESPONSE IS SUPPOSED TO BE:
A pink animal.

--MY RESPONSE:
"Happy bunnies. Now, can I please just go???"

---IMAGE NINE---

Sigh. This is getting a bit tiresome, and I feel like I can't take all of this lying anymore. Maybe I should just be honest about what I really see in the rest of the pictures.

--WHAT THE CORRECT RESPONSE IS SUPPOSED TO BE:
A human being.

--MY RESPONSE:
"Two giant seahorses dancing as the entire world burns!!!"

---IMAGE TEN---

Whew, that felt good. Now, finally, the test is almost over. And this particular ink blot is my favorite.

Looks to me like a couple of time travelers hovering in the air with rocket packs. The Eiffel Tower is behind them, and they're being attacked by mutant goldfish. Too bad the "correct" interpretation is so wildly off, and I've once again got to lie.

--WHAT THE CORRECT RESPONSE IS SUPPOSED TO BE:
Crab or lobster. Pfft.

--MY RESPONSE:
"ALL RIGHT, I give up. Just take me away to the mental home, doctor. I want to eat some Jello and watch The Price is Right while I wait for my lobotomy. YOU WIN!!!"

(Well, eight out of ten ain't bad....)

So, what have we learned today, kiddies? That's right -- the system is rigged, and can't be beaten. How uplifting!

But at least we now know a little something about the Rorschach Test...and knowing is half the battle.

Now here's a movie about a man who would slap you like a you-know-what if you asked him to submit to such an examination. I'm talking about Dolemite, baby!

Dolemite (1975)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0072895/


Netflix description:
Stand-up comic Rudy Ray Moore turns in a dynamic performance as the title character, a self-absorbed pimp and poseur sent to lockup on phony drug and theft charges in this blaxploitation cult classic. Sprung from the slammer to help the FBI take down the corrupt cops and fellow gangsters who framed him, Dolemite and his stable of strumpets-turned-kung-fu-killers soon lay waste to the scoundrels. Can you dig it, baby?

OK, really quick -- Dolemite is perhaps the ultimate example of a Blacksploitation flick from the 70s. It delivers every cliche you can imagine, almost without irony. It is gloriously crappy.

Dolemite, our hero and title character, is a pimp who's just been released from prison thanks to a deal with the feds. They want help bringing down a crime boss who has taken over the neighborhood while Dolemite was in the pen...but it ain't gonna be easy.

See, Dolemite's once-proud empire of prostitution and other petty crimes has crumbled during his absence. All he's got left now are a troupe of karate girls, a handful of guns, and a whole lot of smooooth moxy. WILL he be able to clean up the neighborhood???


OF COURSE, he will, baby! This is Dolemite, we're talking about here. He's the baddest brother IN this mother. For reals -- the dude is righteous!

Look, it goes without saying that Dolemite is bad on every technical level (I mean, we can see the friggin' boom mic in, like, half of this movie's scenes). STILL, it's just awesome. And by that, I mean HILARIOUSLY awesome.

Our hero is utterly indestructible. He beats the crap out of, like, five corrupt cops while dodging bullets from thugs; he gets shot and doesn't even flinch; he survives assassination attempts while busting out free style raps in the K-Mart parking lot....It all gets pretty absurd, pretty fast. Dolemite is like the ghetto James Bond!

And I say you could find no better movie to watch with the family on Thanksgiving than this one. Dolemite is action-packed, funny, and downright groovy. The kids'll LOVE him!

Now have a Happy Thanksgiving, and may the Schwartz be with you.

3 out of 5.

b.