More TSA Madness

I've made no secret in the past of my annoyance with airline security procedures....
Yes, I know -- the fine folks of the Transportation Security Administration are here to protect all of us, and there have been no terror attacks since Nine-Eleven, and yada yada yada. I get that.


STILL, I get really annoyed by what seems like an ever-growing list of invasive security practices at the airport. I mean, I hated flying back BEFORE September Eleventh because of how inconvenient the airport protocols were; I can't imagine how irritated I'd get if I tried to board a plane today.

It's just the helplessness of it all. Once you're in that airport, you have little to no control over what happens to you. The airline staff and the TSA can mess with you in any way that they want, and you've no choice but to put up with it. Make an angry or sarcastic remark, and you just might wind up facing federal charges. It's completely asinine.

The latest news, though, is this whole full body scanner controversy. Yep, the TSA has gone one step further, and insisted that everyone submit to what is practically a nude photoshoot in order to board a plane. Technically, you can refuse, but that will only lead you into a whole new world of shame. See, if you say no to the full body x-ray scanner, you'll get a pretty intimate pat-down from the security guards. Many stories have already been written about that harrowing experience.


I mean, Jebus. Do these people really believe that flying has to be a humiliating ordeal in order to also be safe? And don't you think that, for as impressive as the nude x-ray machines are, there's still got to be about a thousand other ways to sneak weapons or explosives through??? Something tells me that all of these high-tech screenings exist only to line the pockets of a very small set of interests.

Heck, a fella could rig up a laptop battery to explode, if he really wanted to. How long until someone tries it, and they ban friggin' lithium batteries from airplanes? I hope that when that happens, the masses will finally start to fight back. Not letting us have our precious cell phones on board could be the final straw. We'd rather risk dying than lose our I-Phones!


But that still wouldn't address the 400 billion other annoying restrictions regarding what can be brought on a plane. I'm still not over the three ounces of liquid thing. I mean, really -- no one can bring more than three ounces of any liquid on board??? Basically, that means we have no choice but to wait around for the stewardess to bring us a drink if we're thirsty. See how it works, folks? They declaw us, and then they abuse us.

Anyway, I stumbled across an interesting blog the other day that deals with the issue of overbearing airline security. You may have heard of it. This guy -- I don't know his name -- secretly videotaped TSA agents detaining him at an airport in San Diego. It's a telling series of clips. Watch them before the government security hacks have them taken down:

Click This Link.

In light of stories like this, I have decided to continue my boycott of airlines. It's probably for the better, anyway -- if I tried flying, I'd probably get angry and say something to get myself arrested. I don't need any of what the TSA has to offer...not even its new special "love moments".


Hey, to get our thoughts back on to happier topics, here are two movies for your consideration.

Troll (1986)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092115/


Netflix description:
Torok, an evil troll, is determined to restore the world he once knew and has chosen an apartment building as the heart of his project. He possesses a little girl named Wendy, and in her guise, Torok begins to hideously transform each occupant of the building.

Yup, today's two-fer starts out with the 80s horror-fantasy classic, Troll. We all know Troll, right?

It's about a family that moves into a new apartment only to learn that it's a kind of portal to another dimension of goblins, fairies, dwarfs, and of course, trolls. The little girl of the clan -- named Jenny -- gets possessed by this one troll named Torok who aims to turn everyone else in the building into his own kind. See, he's got this ring that can, like, shoot magic, and...uh....

Man, I guess I never realized how complicated the plot of Troll really was until I tried to explain it to someone else. Look, I'll spare you the details, and just say that one thing leads to another, and pretty soon this entire apartment building has been transformed into a sanctuary for evil fantasy creatures. Forests start to grow within each apartment, as residents are turned into monsters by Torok/Jenny, and it's up to Jenny's big brother, Harry Potter Junior (not kidding), to stop it.

Oh, and Sonny Bono gets killed.


Troll deserves some attention because it does have a remarkably creative story. Plus, the monster effects are top notch, considering this picture's overall production values. One scene, in particular, always gets me. It's the monster sing along. Check it out here, and have yerself a chuckle.

Other than a few classic moments, though, Troll is an overall iffy film. Most performances are bad, and the pacing of this thing is incredibly uneven. I mean, sometimes it feels like a kid's movie, and other times it feels like a parody of really bad science fiction. I've always had a hard time figuring out what Troll was attempting to do. Is it SUPPOSED to be funny?

--Because, believe me, it is funny. In fact, as I watched this picture the other week, I played out in my head how I could make it even more funny with a hammed up remake. I swear, if I could get my hands on two or three million dollars, I would produce a remake of Troll, and it would be hilarious. Anyone want to invest? We'll be STARS!

Anyway....

Troll is a film that every horror-fantasy-sci-fi geek ought to check out at least once. Heck, many of us may already have fond memories of it. Although I could never seriously call Troll "GOOD", there's no denying that it has plenty of charm. Give this baby a rental when you're feeling adventurous.

3 out of 5.

AND...

Troll 2 (1990)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0105643/


Netflix description:
When young Joshua Waits (Michael Stephenson) and his family vacation in the remote town of Nilbog, the strange townspeople excitedly offer the Waits the local cuisine. But behind the eager hospitality lies a sinister motive and only Joshua knows the horrifying truth. Warned of goblins by his ghostly Grandpa Seth (Robert Ormsby), Joshua must save his family and himself from an unsavory end in this fantasy horror tale.

This movie is notorious. Billed as a sequel to Troll, Troll 2 actually has nothing to do with the original whatsoever. In fact, this film doesn't even have any TROLLS. Nope -- it has "goblins," who look like midgets in cheap Halloween masks. No trolls, though. Not one. Nada. Zilch. Zero trolls. Troll 2 is essentially trolless.

Well, it's about a family that goes on vacation in a tiny, remote community called Nilbog (Goblin spelled backwards!). Upon arrival, they notice that no one in this town seems to eat anything other than rotten milk and a weird green substance that looks like ectoplasm. Plus, everybody's got a blank, evil look in their eyes. Our hero -- the young boy of the family -- correctly suspects that Nilbog is just a front for a bunch of monsters, and tries to convince his parents to leave. Of course, they ignore his pleas, and soon, everyone's under attack by possessed townsfolk. Seems the residents of Nilbog are...gulp...GOBLINS!

My God, is Troll 2 an atrocious film. In fact, it's so bad that someone even made a documentary about it. Best Worst Movie was released this year, and it chronicles the making of this cult favorite. Apparently, its director tracked down folks associated with the production of Troll 2 and got their stories. Yeah -- Troll 2 sucks so hard that a team of documentarians had to investigate it.

(What the goblins look like.)

You've got to see this one to believe it. Not one aspect of Troll 2 is handled with competence. We've got awful special effects; ridiculously bad dialogue; incomprehensible plot development; unbelievable characters; and what is quite possibly the worst acting I have ever seen. Seriously -- the stars of this film wouldn't even pass a porno screen test. It's almost shocking how terrible these people are.

And for all that, I have to wonder if Troll 2 falls into the So-Bad-It's-Good category. I mean, it's horrendous, but in a fun way. Liken Troll 2 up to the old "watching a train wreck" principle. Do you like watching train wrecks?

If so, then you simply cannot skip Troll 2. It is perhaps the ultimate bad movie. Anyone else looking for a quality experience, though, should just stay far, far away.

1 out of 5.

b.