Reality Show Pitch

For years, I've had a great idea for a reality TV show....
Check this out: it would be called Cannibal Island.


OK, here's the concept: We get a bunch of has-been celebrities, and convince them that they're going to be part of some Apprentice-like competition show. Heck, we could even LIE to them and say that it's actually going TO BE the Celebrity Apprentice....Who cares, right?

Whatever. Hey, maybe we'll hire, like, Pauly Shore, Paula Poundstone, David Hasslehoff, Martin Mull, Roseanne, Vicky Lawrence, Sinbad, Skee-Lo, and...um....(oh, why not?) Gary Busey. They'll all be promised great riches and untold publicity for participating in this reality TV extravaganza. Whatever we have to tell them to sign on, we WILL; it really doesn't matter.

(The cast of Cannibal Island.)

Anyway, here's the meat and potatoes of the whole concept:

We get all of our contestants on a plane, and tell them they're headed for some island paradise where they'll compete for some prize (or something), for some reason. Again, it simply doesn't matter....

BUT, while en route to their destination, tragedy arises (shocker)! Their plane experiences mechanical problems, and is forced to make an emergency landing on an uncharted island WAAAAY out in the pacific. The pilot, like a horrible and despicable coward, bails in a parachute as the aircraft descends toward said mystery island, and our heroes brace themselves to make a surprisingly soft crash landing there....

Now, keep in mind that this is all in the FIRST episode, so ALREADY, we've got some pretty compelling drama going on, folks!


ANYWAY, as the smoke and confusion clears, our celebrity contestants find that they've "crash landed" on a totally uninhabited island, with no food resources whatsoever. Instead (curiously), all they find is a lone building with a fully-functional kitchen, and a rather large cache of weaponry. I mean, we're talking knives, chainsaws, blunt objects, and even maybe a few firearms. Whatever it takes to increase the temptation level, really.

Not to mention, there are TONS of hidden cameras placed all throughout the island. Um, let's say...five thousand of them -- hidden in trees, rocks, and sand dunes, etc. So many hidden cameras and microphones that, in fact, even if our unfortunate celebrities somehow manage to locate a few of of them, there will be no way they could possibly catch EVERYTHING....


So, there they are -- a bunch of celebrities, feeling pretty frightened and hungry, and with NO food and a WHOLE LOT of weapons at their disposal.

Heh? HEEEH??? Wink, wink; nudge, nudge....

Anyway, maybe there'd be a period during which our heroes would hopelessly attempt to locate local nourishment sources on their own, but to no avail. See, this island will simply be altogether lacking in viable food resources. No coconuts; no palatable seafood; no local wildlife -- this will be a TOTALLY barren landscape, friends. NO food whatsoever.

WELL...I think we can all guess what is BOUND to happen after a certain amount of time....right?


Indeed, it only stands to reason that after a brief amount of time, with no sign of rescue apparent, our celebrity heroes would start to look at each other as potential sources of nourishment. Maybe it would be Roseanne who'd first get that bloodthirsty look in her eyes; or, maybe it'd be Busey....Heck, maybe it would actually be someone surprising, such as Vicky Lawrence (I've always sensed that look of darkness in her face, anyway)....Who knows? Hard to tell how an individual would behave in such a scenario.

***(Incidentally, I initially thought that Kirstie Alley would make a great contestant, but decided that SHE would likely resort to the dramatic decision of cannibalism a bit TOO soon, thereby detracting from the edge of drama of the Cannibal Island concept, as a whole. I mean, imagine -- a half hour after the initial plane crash, if Kirstie had already killed and eaten Pauly Shore. That would be somewhat disappointing and anti-climactic, wouldn't you agree???)***


Anyway, Cannibal Island would document the exploits of our intrepid celebrity heroes, as they battle the moral and existential quandaries of survival versus basic decency. WHO among them would resort to killing and eating fellow B-listers for the sake of living another day? WHO among them would opt to starve to death, rather than commit the ultimate taboo?? WHO among them would have what it takes to be the last one standing???

My money would be on Busey.


Either way, in the end, the last man (or, woman) alive would be rescued from the island by chopper, and rewarded with a trophy and a 25 dollar gift certificate to Shoney's. Sounds like a worthwhile effort for all involved, right???


Admittedly, I've got some legal technicalities to work out before I get this production off the ground...but ANYthing's possible in Hollywood, right?

So...WHO'S IN???

Anyway, here's yet another movie about a guy who kidnaps women, and holds them in an underground dungeon for reasons unknown. Enjoy moderately!

The Cellar Door (2007)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0878657/


Netflix description:
Having developed an uncontrollable obsession with the beautiful young Rudy (Michelle Tomlinson), crazed serial killer Herman (James DuMont) kidnaps her and locks her in a cage in his basement. The only way for Rudy to survive this nightmare is to outsmart her psychopathic tormentor. But Herman has experience on his side: He's entrapped and tortured other women before, playing sick and twisted mind games with his frightened victims.


OK, these guys-kidnapping-women-and-holding-them-captive-underground-just-for-thrills flicks are becoming all-too common. I'm frankly kind of tired of them....

I mean, REALLY -- how many dudes are we to believe feel a need to construct a holding cell in their parents' basements, just to torment random young ladies??? This kind of thing is pretty rare in REAL life, as far as I can tell (as opposed to zombie apocalypse scenarios). These lonely chaps should really look into investing in blow-up dolls, instead. They put up much less of a struggle, and almost NEVER complain, no matter what you do to them!

(Let's leave my sweet honey, Gwendelynn the Drew-Pleaser, OUT of today's discussion, OK???)

Anyway, in The Cellar Door, we have a dude named Herman who finds some random woman called Rudy who strikes his fancy, and...well...he locks her in a cage down in the basement, for some reason.

No sexual assault take place here; no overt violence to speak of, either....He just wants to LOOK at this chick, I guess.

Of course, this young lady fails to enjoy Herman's little experiment, and promptly sets about the task of finding a way to escape. WILL she be successful???

Yeah, she DOES figure out a method of escape (SPOILERS!!!)...and we cheer for her. Yada, yada, yada.

Poor girl. I really did feel sorry for the victim in this interesting, if unoriginal, torture porn exercise, for once. She seems smart, nice, and totally undeserving of the humiliation to which Herman subjects her. Actually, the whole scenario through which this story plays out makes us root for the victim in a way that such movies usually fail to elicit. Herman, my friends, really IS a sick bastard....


And it's excellent acting that sets The Cellar Door apart from other films with the same general premise (and, lately, there have been a WHOLE LOT of them). I kind of sympathized with our antagonist (way more than with, say, Otis), but still REALLY pulled for his victim.

Honestly, why have there been so many movies in recent years about guys kidnapping young women and holding them captive in underground dungeons? There's been FAR too many of them, and they're starting to blend together in my mind. The old zombie-style over saturation is now afflicting this genre, as well, and I don't like it. As a rule, these flicks don't really impress me.

Then again, The Cellar Door really is, admittedly, of a higher quality than most other motion pictures of its ilk, so I GUESS I'd recommend it (if begrudgingly). This here is a disturbing, occasionally scary, little exercise in kidnappy darkness.

The Cellar Door only stands out because it's exceptionally well-acted, and manages to convey just about everything that the old torture-porn craze could really have to offer WITHOUT going too far. If you're in the market for something along these lines, then I say go with this one.

Skip all others like it, and give The Cellar Door a whirl. You won't find a better guy kidnaps chick and holds her captive in basement dungeon picture, as far as I can tell. I'll give it a (very) generous...

3 out of 5.

b.