What's It To Ya?

I'm annoyed by the way that people seem to look down on ketchup....
Growing up, I was one of those kids who never wanted to eat (think little brother Randy, in A Christmas Story), and one way that my mom could get me to stomach foods like pork chops, chicken, and beef was to douse it in good old Heinz 57. Somehow, having ketchup all over any kind of meat has always made it more palatable for me. It goes down smoother that way. I don't have to chew it as many times. To me, it TASTES better, darnit. Therefore, to this day, I like to put the red stuff on just about any meat I consume.

Sadly, however, the world is full of Food Nazis who frown on such a habit. They give me crap about how I'm ruining my meal with ketchup. The biggest offenders are steak aficionados. You try eating a steak with some ketchup, and there's a 90 percent chance that whoever you are with will FREAK OUT. "Nooooo! What are you DOING??!?! You're tainting your precious STEAK!!!" such individuals will scream. Maybe they'll reach over, and try to protect the steak from being so viciously slathered. Afterward, they may act like they hate you. Even in a restaurant, such folk will make a scene.


I resent that. First of all, why are steaks considered so friggin' sacred in the first place? It's just a slab of meat, for God's sake. I've never thought that steak was any better than, say, hamburgers, and in fact, I would rather just have a burger because, at least that way no one will hit the ceiling over what I put on it. Oh, and don't tell me I feel this way just because I've "never had a good steak", either. Every steak nut makes this tired claim. "WHAAAAA??? You don't like STEAK????? Well, CLEARLY, it's simply because you've never had a really GOOD one," they all insist. Then they try to drag me to some 400 dollar a plate beefhouse where people wait 12 hours in line to be served. Listen, I've had many steaks, provided by many self-professed steak experts who claim that what I'm getting is world-class, and I've STILL never been more than slightly impressed. The truth is, I spend most of the meal resenting the fact that I'm not allowed to put any ketchup on it. What is with you people, and your stupid food rules?

My fiance occasionally cops an attitude with me at the dinner table because of this. She'll prepare a lovely meal consisting of some kind of meat, and when I head for the fridge to grab the Hunt's, she's appalled. "That ketchup RUINS THE MEAL! It doesn't compliment this kind of meat. Blah blah blah...." Then, she makes me feel bad by acting as if I've just insulted her cooking. Darling, it's not you; it's me, OK? I simply don't want fried chicken, roasted beef, baked ham, or fish of any kind unless it has ketchup. It doesn't taste right to me without it. You've got to accept that about me, baby. Your man is what he is!



I hear there are restaurants that will actually throw a customer out if he's caught putting ketchup on the wrong thing. Some of the more haughty steakhouses are known for this, and I've always wanted to sneak a huge bottle of Del Monte into such an establishment so I can dump it all over my meal in full view of the chef. I want to do something similar at a well-known Chicago hot dog joint that a friend once told me about, as well. Apparently, at this place, the owner will yell at customers who put too much ketchup or mustard on their dogs. Yup -- on their friggin' HOT DOGS! Just who does this restaurateur think he is, anyway? I GOTTA get thrown out of that place. As the "chef" escorts me to the door, I'll tell this grown man who makes hot dogs for a living that his food was so terrible I had no choice but to drown it in other flavors. Maybe that would throw the guy off his game for a few minutes by filling him with self-doubt. Hey, a fella like me has got to do his own little part, right?

I DO have to admit, however, that I have pretty bad taste, in general...so, objectively, I know I'm probably wrong about the whole ketchup thing. I mean, I've never claimed that the food is actually BETTER with it; I merely say that I personally enjoy it more that way. To deal with me, you've got to accept that I have a lot of weird food habits. Some come from childhood, and some of them developed over time during my years living as a dirt-poor bachelor in a filthy apartment. Heck, when I was at my very brokest, I would put ketchup on bread and eat it as a snack, for God's sake. Sometimes, I'd have saltines with mustard on them for dinner. You ever mix a pudding cup with yogurt and oatmeal? I have. And I even microwaved it.


Anyway, while I might differ from the rest of the world on many issues of taste, here's a film that I think we can ALL agree is lousy. Don't let its intriguing title suck you in.

Sorority Sister Slaughter (2007)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0846092/


Netflix description:
The members of Kappa Tau Omega sorority have it all -- looks, popularity and a packed social calendar -- until a ghostly newcomer (Tafné Ellington) to the house makes their lives a living hell in this shocking tale of horror. The vengeful specter, known on campus as the Red Dahlia because of her bloody demise, is out to destroy everyone in her wake, and it's up to the surviving sorority sisters to end the bloodbath once and for all.

When one rents a movie with a title like Sorority Sister Slaughter, one expects certain things. It's a LAW OF FILM that something along such lines must contain lots of blood, lots of screams, and lots of nudity. Well, I'm sorry to report that this film fails to deliver on all three fronts.

Sorority Sister Slaughter is horrible in every possible respect. It's about a group of...well, sorority chicks who buy an old house in which a girl once committed suicide. See, "Red Dahlia" was a pregnant student who offed herself in the bathtub when her boyfriend split. Fastforward 40 years or so, and our heroines move into the same house. Immediately, they notice strange things happening -- chairs rearrange themselves, candles blow out for no reason, the phone rings at random, etc. Eventually, some frat guys come over to party, and the ghost of Red Dahlia goes on a rampage, murdering just about everyone in the joint.


The problem with Sorority Sister Slaughter isn't so much the story, which on paper, actually looks like it has potential. The problem here is really with the production's quality. It's just terrible. Poorly lit from start to finish, and with audio that can rarely be heard clearly, this film comes across more like the class project of a bunch of first-year film school students. It's as if the team behind SSS had no concept of overplayed horror flick cliche's from the 1980s, and thought they had stumbled on new techniques to heighten the drama. You know, things like tilting the camera while zooming in on the exterior of the house every five minutes, as if to remind us of where the action is taking place. I wondered several times if these folks were even SERIOUS.

And that's the thing -- I think they were. Sorority Sister Slaughter oozes with cheese, and yet there's not the slightest hint of irony anywhere here. I think Director Susan Hippen really thought this would be scary, and boy was she wrong. The acting is so bad, I cringed for the performers as they spit out dialogue that seemed randomly generated. Plus, the film is so dark, it's hard to tell who is who. "Is that the snobby girl who obviously will be killed by Dahlia, or is that the smart girl who obviously will get out of this alive?" I asked myself as yet another shadowy figure ran down yet another corridor.

Which reminds me -- just how big was this house supposed to be, anyway? There's a chase scene that drags on for five minutes through hallways that appear to be endless. Furthermore, why don't the girls just LEAVE? At one point, two of them actually run outside, only to go back in. WHAAAA?

Sorority Sister Slaughter is so cheap that the DVD doesn't even have a menu screen. That was just the first of many, many problems I had with this experience. What started with potential quickly turned into an embarrassment, and I say that anyone who can make it all the way through this picture deserves an award.

1 out of 5.

b.