The John Cusack Attack

So, have you heard about this new film, Hot Tub Time Machine?
It comes out today, and is already being built up as, like, the greatest comedy of the year. "Hot Tub Time Machine will be 2010's The Hangover!" people are proclaiming. Early screenings all seemed to bring back positive reviews, and there's a decent amount of buzz online about the picture. Although I think it's unfortunate that expectations for this film have gotten so high (nothing could possibly live up to such hype), I really DO think it will be a lot of fun, and look forward to seeing it.


But that's not what I want to discuss today. No, I'm really here this afternoon because something is troubling me about Roger Ebert's review of Hot Tub Time Machine, which I read a few hours ago. See, in it, Mr. Ebert states early on that John Cusack, "As a general rule...isn't found in bad films." Hmm. When I saw that, I paused for a moment and thought it over, deciding that, yes, I could agree. I mean, it's true -- Cusack has a pretty good track record, when you get down to it. OK. I've got no beef with him at all, so I continued reading. The rest of the review was fine; Ebert gave Hot Tub Time Machine a respectable three stars and praised Rob Cordry. BUT THEN, in his final paragraph, Ebert drastically upped the ante by saying THIS of John Cusack: "Since 1983, in 55 films, he's never made a bad one."


Now, I love Roger, and think he's a great critic (even if he gives low scores to all of my favorite films), but I find it hard to believe that John Cusack could REALLY have never been in ANY bad movies at all. C'mon. Even De Niro has done crappy ones. It simply can't be avoided; the actor doesn't get to control every aspect of the filmmaking process, and even if Cusack were to be exceptionally skilled at picking screenplays, there's always the possibility that someone else involved in the production would screw the whole thing up and the result would be lousy. Hey, let's turn to my old friend, The IMDB, to conduct some research. I give you John Cusack's filmography, and my assessment of each entry.

Behold:

--Hot Tub Time Machine (2010) -- I assume it's good
--2012 (2009/I) -- BAD. BLAM! EBERT PROVEN WRONG RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE! (But let's continue, anyway....)
--Igor (2008) (voice) -- Uh?
--War, Inc. (2008) -- Good.
--Summerhood (2008) -- Never saw it.
--Martian Child (2007) -- **Rolls eyes**
--1408 (2007) -- Pretty Darn Good.
--Grace Is Gone (2007) -- Never saw it.
--The Contract (2006/I) -- Musta skipped it.
--The Ice Harvest (2005) -- OK.
--Must Love Dogs (2005) -- Presumabley terrible. EBERT PROVEN WRONG AGAIN!!!
--Runaway Jury (2003) -- Meh.
--Identity (2003) -- Rather good.
--Max (2002/I) -- Never saw it.
--Serendipity (2001) -- Skipped this one.
--America's Sweethearts (2001) -- Say what?
--High Fidelity (2000) -- Very good.
--Being John Malkovich (1999) -- Awesome.
--Cradle Will Rock (1999) -- Fairly decent.
--Pushing Tin (1999) -- Not bad.
--The Jack Bull (1999) (TV) -- ???
--The Thin Red Line (1998) -- Better than shabby.
--This Is My Father (1998/I) -- Never saw it.
--Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil (1997) -- Pretty neat.
--Anastasia (1997) (voice) -- Very underrated.
--Chicago Cab (1997) -- I was sick that day.
--Con Air (1997) -- OK.
--Grosse Pointe Blank (1997) -- Fabulous.
--City Hall (1996) -- Never heard of it.
--The Road to Wellville (1994) -- So bad it's good.
--Bullets Over Broadway (1994) -- Nope.
--Floundering (1994) -- I dunno.
--Money for Nothing (1993) -- See above.
--Map of the Human Heart (1993) -- Four in a row I haven't seen!
--Bob Roberts (1992) -- Pretty good.
--Roadside Prophets (1992) -- OK
--Shadows and Fog (1991) -- Meh again.
--True Colors (1991) -- Below average but not bad.
--The Grifters (1990) -- More gooder.
--Fat Man and Little Boy (1989) -- Haven't seen it, but AWESOME title!
--Say Anything... (1989) -- Blegh. EBERT PROVEN WRONG TIMES THREE!!!
--Elvis Stories (1989) -- Sounds incredible.
--Eight Men Out (1988) -- Average.
--Tapeheads (1988) -- Cool.
--Broadcast News (1987) -- Very great.
--Hot Pursuit (1987) -- Whatevs.
--One Crazy Summer (1986) -- Liked it a lot.
--Stand by Me (1986) -- Oh, need I even say it? EXCELLENT!
--The Journey of Natty Gann (1985) -- A neat little kids movie.
--Better Off Dead... (1985) -- THE GREATEST TEEN MOVIE EVER!
--The Sure Thing (1985) --Never saw it.
--Grandview, U.S.A. (1984) -- ???
--Sixteen Candles (1984) -- Pfft. Fine. It's good.

So, as you can clearly see, Roger Ebert is incorrect when he says that John Cusack has never done a bad movie. My insightful analysis proves beyond all doubt that Cusack has, in fact, appeared in at least three bad films. Additionally, it can be assumed that at least two of the 16 which I have never seen must have been bad, as well. Therefore, let it be known that John Cusack has appeared in a grand total of five bad movies. You can suck it, Ebert.


Oh, and I hope to have my Hot Tub Time Machine review up this weekend. Have a nice Friday evening.

b.