Ulli Strikes Again

OK, so I didn't get to see Hot Tub Time Machine, after all....
I'll be honest here and say that never, even in in my darkest nightmares, would I have predicted that I, Andrew Green, could one day be the kind of guy who is so pathetic that he can't screen a movie about time traveling hot tubs whenever he feels like it. Sadly, however, it appears as though that has become the case. So, I guess I was promising something I couldn't deliver when I said I'd check out the new John Cusack movie this weekend. Sorry about that (well, not REALLY).


BUT, I do have something else I'd like to talk about , and it's even more important than John Cusack. Yes, I'm referring to Easter, my favorite holiday.

Why do I like Easter so much? Well, anyone who knows me well should be able to guess: of all the holidays, Easter has the prettiest colors. See, I like colorful things -- the brighter the better -- and this time of year brings with it all sorts of pinks, blues, greens, yellows, and purples. You can also find great seasonal snack foods on the shelves of every store, and I buy all of them. In fact, I kind of collect Easter candy. I've got a whole cupboard full of marshmallow Peeps at home, going back a few years. My fiance says that's "adorable," but I know that she's really not grasping the seriousness of my Peeps collection. Those suckers are marvels of modern engineering! Did you know that Peeps are among the few items that cannot be destroyed by nuclear fallout? And not only are Peeps an excellent source of nutrition, but they can be used in a variety of emergency situations to fashion just about any tool that might be needed for survival. Simply melt them down, and get to sculpting. Oh, and not many people know this, but Peeps make agreeable companions when hunkered down in subterranean bunkers for extended periods. Seriously -- if you're feeling lonely, just talk to some Peeps. They never judge; they never complain. I keep some Peeps on hand at all times, and declare them the Snack of the Month.

(These babies could be worth something someday.)

I also like chocolate bunnies of all varieties. How about those crunchy ones with the rice inside? You can get them, and many other fantastic Easter treats, at the Dollar Tree this time of year. Needless to say, I'm all stocked up.


My pals at Little Debbie really step up to the plate this time of year, as well, with a wonderful selection of colorful "Spring" (that's PC code for "Easter") cakes and cookies. I like the Easter Egg Brownies, which are exactly the same as regular, Cosmic Brownies, only much better because they're shaped like an egg and have yellow frosting. By the way, I recently took part in an online chat via Facebook with THE Little Debbie. Yeah, the little girl on the box is a real person. The company explains:

"Debbie McKee-Fowler is married and an executive vice president at McKee Foods, the company that makes Little Debbie snacks. She also serves on the board of directors. She’s the granddaughter of the founders of the family-owned bakery and her childhood picture has appeared on billions of Little Debbie snacks since the brand was first introduced in 1960."

Well, I TALKED to her, man! And you know what? She answered some of my questions, one of which involved seasonal snacks. Here it is, with her response:

--"Comment From Drew :
I love the seasonal snacks. Is it a decision at the company to always be inventing new ones? Thursday March 18, 2010 7:32

--Debbie Fowler: Its interesting that you ask, the first ones we invented was because during the seasonal time our orders would drop and we didn't have work for our people. Now they are one of our most successful products, personally I believe we will always be looking for new ones especially to take the place of those that become slow."

Whoa, Little Debbie liked my question!!! That's the closest to greatness that I will ever come.


Anyway, you know what kind of Easter snack always troubled me? The chocolate crucifix. I see them in the Dollar Tree, and wonder, "Do religious people really eat these???" Now, maybe I'm wrong, but it would just seem to me that it's, like, disrespectful or something to eat a chocolate cross. I dunno. I'm staying away from them...just in case.


Then again, who am I to judge? I'm not going to criticize how someone else expresses their Easter spirit. Hey, some folks eat a chocolate crucifix; others watch a zombie movie...like me.

Zombie Nation (2004)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0463392/


Netflix description:
Psychotic Los Angeles cop Joe Singer (Gunther Ziegler) -- who's literally been getting away with murder -- meets his match in a 17-year-old girl (Martina Bottesch) in director Ulli Lommel's gruesome gore-fest. Troubled by the wave of women vanishing from her neighborhood, young Romy (Bottesch) seeks help from some voodoo priestesses, who promptly resurrect Joe's victims and turn them into zombies looking to exact more than a few pounds of flesh.

OK, the title of today's blog entry refers to the man behind Zombie Nation, Ulli Lommel. I've written about Ulli before -- he is, without question, the worst director making movies today. Ulli's films are so bad that they actually TRAUMATIZE people, yet he continues cranking them out at an impressive rate because...well...I really have no idea how he pulls it off.

Ulli makes bone-chillingly boring horror-exploitation flicks -- often shot on video and with amateur actors -- that go straight to DVD. The success of these pictures depends on how easily their snappy titles and misleading box art can dupe unscrupulous rental store customers into picking them up. You know -- some poor sap is in the mood for thrills on a Saturday night, so he hits the Horror section of his local Blockbuster, and notices a movie called, say, Dungeon Girl. It's got a hot chick on the cover, and the description hints at some wild content. Maybe the guy's feeling a little "saucy" that night, and the wife is out of town...so hey, why not give it a whirl?

Well, this fellow is in for a huge let-down because Dungeon Girl is terrible beyond words. Terrible in a way only attainable by the notorious Ulli Lommel, a name which our poor friend is going to remember so as to never have a night ruined so badly again. It's a similar story with everyone who sees a Lommel film -- it's always by accident, and it's always the result of carelessness. We spot an interesting title (like Baseline Killer, or Killer Nurse) with cool box art, and just say, "All right. This looks OK." Then we get burned.

Anyway, how I wound up with Ulli Lommel's Zombie Nation in my Netflix queue this week is a mystery, as I've already learned my lesson with this guy. Perhaps I ordered it as a practical joke on myself one night when I'd been drinking....Either way, let's get this over with.


Zombie Nation is about a corrupt psycho cop named Joe who kidnaps young women and drops them off at some complex where bizarre experiments are being conducted. It's not clear what's being done to these ladies, but it IS clear that the scientific "lab" is really just a crappy warehouse rented by Ulli and his crew (in fact, EVERY set in this movie is quite obviously the same warehouse, with a few chairs and boxes moved around to make it resemble something else). There are a handful of other cops who apparently know what Joe is doing, but don't have the courage to say anything about it, and eventually, his victims start dying off.

Well, a group voodoo priestesses finds out, and decides to take its revenge on the corrupt cops by resurrecting Joe's victims. They're turned into zombies who look and act nothing like the zombies we know and love, and eventually, some kind of violence happens. The end.

Now, I know that ON PAPER that doesn't sound too bad, but I gotta tell you that the execution of this premise is so mind-blowingly inept that any potential Zombie Nation may have initially had is wasted within the film's first ten minutes. Like every other Ulli Lommel project, this one is presented like an art film, with randomly blurring visuals and neverending voice-over loops ("Is it safe? Is it safe Is it safe?"). We're repeatedly taken back to scenes we've already watched, and IT TAKES FOREVER for anything zombie-related to actually start. I mean, you'd think that with a title like Zombie Nation, this picture would at least give us some friggin' zombies sometime before the third act, but it doesn't. Of course, when that does finally happen, the whole experience is a wash, anyway, because this picture's zombies are a tragic abomination of the very name Zombie. The few specimens that we get to meet are frustratingly docile -- they just sit around eating hamburgers, waiting for the voodoo ladies to make them do something.


Which, like, never happens. Man, you'll struggle to keep your sanity waiting for this movie to deliver on something. Trust me -- Zombie Nation is an insult to all that is good in this world; I say it's a slap in the face to God himself. Horror aficionados (specifically, zombie fans) have nothing to gain from this experience, and I warn all of you to stay far, far away.

Now go and have yourself a Cadberry Egg or something.

1 out of 5.

b.