Save The Coreys!

Who would have thought that Corey Haim would bite the big one before Corey Feldman?
Until this week, my money would have been on Feldman, since he had more of a party animal image. Then again, now that I think about it, Feldman is the one who has actually been DOING THINGS for the past few years, while Haim basically disappeared (not that Feldman's work has been anything to brag about). I guess, in retrospect, the guy who does stuff is probably less messed up than the guy who doesn't. That's right -- get yourself a crippling addiction, and you'll probably have trouble making it to the set of anything. The warning signs should have been obvious -- Corey Haim had fallen deeper into obscurity than Corey Feldman, for God's sake. That's what DRUGS will do to you, man! Someone should have stepped in to help the poor fellow.


It's a shame that Mr. Haim can no longer be found within the realm of those who are living, and I'll try not to crack a bunch of jokes about it. See, the truth is that I always kind of liked the guy, and would feel guilty if I mocked him too much (note I said "TOO much"). Back in the 80s, he was my favorite Corey -- I'd argue with friends over the merits of Haim and Feldman, insisting that the former was obviously more charismatic than the latter. "CLEARLY, Corey Number One's performance in License to Drive eclipsed that of Corey Number Two. Anyone who disagrees with me is an oaf who does not understand fine cinema!" It's harder to be the straight man than it is to be the goofball, even though the goof always gets more credit. Corey Haim was the real brains of that operation.

Anyway, with the death of Corey Haim, America has been left in a dangerous position: we now only have one Corey. Yes, no more Haim means our Pop Culture Corey Reserves have been depleted by 50 percent, which is downright frightening and unacceptable. What if something happens to Feldman??? Folks, Coreys are now an endangered species, and Mr. Feldman is all we've got left! We must protect this valuable resource because, once it's gone, that's it. Finito! No mas! Nada! We would be essentially Coreyless.


That's why I'm proposing the Save Our Corey Foundation. I know it sounds a lot like my Save A Dave Foundation, but the similarities really end with the title. See, instead of simply finding volunteers to help make life easier for a random person with a particular name, the Save Our Corey Foundation will be devoted entirely to making life better for one man -- Corey Feldman. Whatever he needs, we'll help him out. Does Corey want his ego stroked? Fine, the Save Our Corey Foundation will post a fan outside his home that morning to beg for an autograph! Does Corey need a ride to the bank?? We'll send a car over right away!! Does Corey need work??? One of our qualified volunteer filmmakers will hire him for any part he wants!!! Yes, Save Our Corey will be there to keep Corey Feldman safe, healthy, and happy. I ask you to donate TODAY.

Anyway, in honor of the passing of one of Hollywood's greatest dramatic teams, here's my favorite Corey Feldman movie. It's so hard to find that not even Netflix carries it as a stand-alone rental.

Rock 'N Roll High School Forever (1991)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0100504/


IMDB description (since there is no complete Netflix one):
Those rambunctious kids are back in school and back in trouble in a smash sequel to the 1978 worldwide hit. Corey Feldman leads a rock and roll rally at Ronald Reagon High, but must triumph over the evil plans of the school's fascist principal, Vadar, who wants to halt the school dance and run their school like a prison.

So, yeah -- this is supposed to be a "sequel" to the great Ramones film, Rock 'N Roll High School, but, in actuality, it has few connections to the original. Corey Feldman plays Jessie, an ultra cool senior at Ronald Reagan High School ("Just say YO!") who plays in a band and helps organize various against-the-rules student activities. Among them are the popular "Rock 'N Roll Days", in which kids basically run wild, destroy property, and sing impromptu punk anthems in the halls while frightened teachers duck for cover. Yes, Rick N Roll High School Forever is a musical, and you never know when Jessie is going to break into song.

Anyway, the fun seems about ready to end when a new vice principal named Doctor Vadar is hired. She's mean, ugly, and utterly intolerant of Rock 'N Roll. "There will be no more Rock N Roll days here at Ronald Regan High School," she hisses during the morning announcements on her first day. The students roll their eyes, but it soon becomes clear that Vadar isn't messing around. She brings in her own private team of security thugs to shut down Jessie's contraband operations and force random drug testing on students. However, the ultimate slap in the face comes when Jessie's band is prohibited from playing at the prom. WILL Vadar succeed in breaking up our gang? CAN Jessie show her who is really the boss at Ronald Reagan High?? WHAT does this picture have to do with the original Ramones film???

I know this is strange, but I actually LIKE Rock 'N Roll High School Forever. It's one of those innocent teen comedies that is so dumb it's charming. At times, the movie tries to come across as subversive, but really, our hero's most rebellious act involves slipping Ex-Lax into his English teacher's food. It was suggested to him in a dream sequence that features a cameo from punk rock hero Mojo Nixon. Isn't that neat? THE Mojo Nixon is in this.

(We asked for Mojo Nixon. They said, "He don't work here!")

Hey, the scene may be silly, but at least it's FUN. In fact, that could be said of the entire movie -- silly, but fun. Rock 'N Roll High School Forever is one of those pictures that you'll feel ashamed for even watching. You'll think back to the idiot who told you it was good, and curse him for having wasted your time. "That friggin' JERK told me to watch that crap. I'll never listen to him again!" you'll say. But then, maybe a day or two will go by, and you'll find yourself unable to get certain songs from the film out of your head. You'll tap your toe to the beat of the title theme while standing in an elevator; or perhaps you'll drum your fingers on the breakfast table and hum "High School Is A Prison" to yourself. "Uh-oh. That terrible movie is rotting my brain," you'll realize in horror. Next thing you know it, you're chuckling at the recollection of the urine testing scene, and wondering what was up with the weird Asian kid and heavy metal hair. Sorry, but by that point, it's too late and, admit it or not, you LIKE Rock 'N Roll High School Forever, sucker!

Now, all of this isn't to say that the film even comes close to touching the original. Far from it. I mean, the 1979 film featured THE RAMONES, who are one of the most awesomest bands EVAR, for God's sake! Their appearance in ANY movie is going to make it at least half decent right out of the gate, so the film in question today is automatically at a disadvantage, as The Ramones chose not to appear in it. I can't really blame them, though. Hey, why taint the sterling reputation of the original Rock 'N Roll High School by appearing in a second-rate "sequel"? I only wish Rock 'N Roll High School Forever could have featured a chick as hot as the one who starred in the 1979 production. She gets me all wound up every time I see her....


Ahem. Anyway, Corey Feldman will have to do...but that's OK. I have always found Rock 'N Roll High School Forever to be an enjoyable experience, even if it is completely brainless. There are some innocent laughs to be had here; the soundtrack is fun in a "I can't believe I'm listening to this" sort of way; and there's an explosion at the end (whoops, SPOILER!). I recommend this film to anyone in the mood for low-rent teenage rebellion of the goofiest order.

Oh, and here's a tip: the only way to get this movie from Netflix is to search for South Beach Academy, another bad Corey Feldman vehicle that's packaged with Rock 'N Roll High School Forever as a double feature. You can't get one without the other. Now happy watching!

3 out of 5.

b.