Charlie Sheen Update

Hey, everyone....
I've just about recuperated from my harrowing illness, and I thought I'd post a quick update on the situation involving my pal, Charlie Sheen.


Now, as you may recall, Charlie and I had quite an adventure in recent months -- leading us all the way from the Nevada desert, to Hollywood, the Playboy Mansion, New York, and ultimately, rehab. Yeah, my job as Charlie Sheen's wrangler/agent/manager/consultant didn't exactly end well. By the time I'd hightailed it back to Michigan, Charlie was in quite a (very public) pickle.

(Um...yeah....)

Anyway....

About a week ago, after no contact for nearly a month, Charlie finally called me. Seems he had been doing a bit of soul searching during his stint in rehab, and wanted to speak with me to make amends.

"See, Drew," Charlie began. "I've got to make contact with everyone I've ever wronged, and tell them that I'm sorry. It's all part of my program to get sober."

"Oh, hey," I replied. "There's no need to apologize to me, Charlie. I mean, I know that you made some big mistakes, but it's all water under the bridge, as far as I'm concerned."

"Well, I appreciate that...."

An awkward silence. Then, I spoke:

"So...how you been, Charles?"

Charlie cleared his throat and hesitated. "Uh, it's been good," he finally said. "I've been clean now for a few weeks, and feel ready to get back to work on Two and a Half Men. I tell, you man -- I really don't know how I could have lost my way so badly. I think it's just time for me to count my blessings, and return to the straight and narrow."

"Yeah," I said, sensing a bit of sadness in Charlie's voice. "I can tell that you've grown as a person, man. Hey...what do you say we get together for a weekend? You know -- hang out, just for old time's sake?"

A long pause on the other end. Charlie was thinking.

"Listen, dude," I continued. "Don't worry. We won't do anything wild. I just wanna hang out with you...you know, in a non-alcoholic sort of way. We'll have a few laughs, talk about old times, maybe get to work on that script for Major League 3."

"Well," Charlie said with a little more life in his voice. "I guess I could use some companionship here in home rehab."

"GREAT! I'll just charge a plane ticket to your credit card, and be out in L.A. by this time tomorrow. See you then!"

Charlie had started to say something, but I hung up before he could get it out. With his trusty Visa account, I booked myself a totally reasonable first class ticket to Los Angeles for the next afternoon, as well as a completely modest suite at the Hilton of Beverly Hills for the next few weeks. All paid for up front. Boy, it's a good thing I'd written down Charlie's personal financial information before we parted ways the last time!


When I reached L.A. and showed up at Charlie's house, I found him to be in remarkably good shape. He looked at least five years younger, and had even lost a few pounds. Charlie's eyes were bright, and he seemed refreshed. I was a bit taken aback.

He smiled upon seeing me, and invited me in.

"Hey, brother," Charlie said in good spirits. "I was just about to do my yoga lesson and have some bean sprout gumbo. It's good stuff. Clears the pores!"

"Uh...yeah," I replied.

"You wanna join me with the yoga? I can start you off on some really basic stretches. Then, maybe we'll watch a flick or something. I got Inception on DVD! I hear it's pretty good."

"Er," I began, looking around. "Sure...that sounds like fun. OR, we could hit the town."

Charlie sighed. "Listen, Drew. I thought you understood that I've got to stay right here. My bosses at CBS really want me staying at 'Casa-de-la-Sheen' and taking it easy..."

"Oh, sure, sure," I said. "That's cool. I totally understand. Now, where's the whiskey?"


OK.

At this point, I think I'll just skip ahead a bit. I mean, the conversation that Charlie Sheen and I had at that moment was rather wordy, and there's no need for me to recall the whole exchange for you here. Besides, given the amount of alcohol that we ended up consuming that night, I'm not really sure I could correctly convey all of the details of what was said, anyway. Suffice it to say that I brought Charlie to the liquor store with me, and...well...one thing leads to another....


Seems at one point, I convinced Charlie to write an open letter to his boss at CBS, Chuck Lorre. We called up the Alex Jones radio show, and in between furious sessions of rubbing his nose (I swear I still don't know what that was all about), Charlie read his statement to the world:

"What does this say about Chuck Lorre after he tried to use his words to judge and attempt to degrade me. I gracefully ignored this folly for 177 shows ... I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can't handle my power and can't handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon (**MY WORDS!**). Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words -- imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists (** ALSO MY WORDS!**). I urge all my beautiful and loyal fans who embraced this show for almost a decade to walk with me side-by-side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong..."

Whew!

(I said, "Charlie, baby. You're a huge star! You don't need that lousy sitcom. It's LOSERVILLE! Let's show those dirtbags that we mean BUSINESS, and go public with a rant to shame all rants!" Mission accomplished.)

I gotta tell you, folks -- I have NO IDEA what that whole "fists of fire" line was all about, but I AM sort of proud of it. I mean, what a flourish of language on my part! If only I could remember how I came up with it....

Of course, the world doesn't seem to be perceiving that evening between Charlie and me quite the same way as I do. In fact, poor Charlie has just been taking more flak over it all. Seems his CBS bosses were willing to call his bluff:


Oops.

Needless to say, I'm once again on the outs with Charlie Sheen. He sent me packing back to Michigan, and will not return my calls. I guess old Charlie is slightly upset about the whole show getting canceled thing.

But, you know what? I say that HE should have known what he wanted before letting me convince him to go on the radio with that letter! I mean, what am I, his mother???

Besides, this whole ordeal has only given me a brand new idea: a revamped Two and a Half Men. I'm pitching this latest concept to CBS as we speak. Check it out:


I tell you, this idea is GOLDEN. John Cryer, that pudgy kid, and LINDSAY LOHAN??? The show is bound to be a huge hit. What could possibly go wrong?!?


Anyway, I'll return in a couple days with a movie review for you fine folks. In the meantime, remember to say a little prayer for our friend, Charlie Sheen.

Peace out.

b.