A Little Something For Ya

You ever heard of the Wilhelm Scream?
It's a little piece of movie trivia that I first read about at Cracked this week, and found rather fascinating. The Wilhelm Scream is the sound of a man crying out in agony that was recorded by some audio technician in the late 1950s for a B-grade western film. No big deal; just another sound effect, right? Well, not in this case. See, for whatever reason, this random half-second scream ended up being used as a stock effect in several other films around the time, and as years passed, it just wouldn't die. Eventually, the sound became known as the Wilhelm Scream (because of its prominence in a picture called The Charge at Feather River, which features a character named Private Wilhelm), and was repeatedly used by directors and sound editors in dozens, if not hundreds, of films. To this very day, the Wilhelm Scream is slipped into movies on a near-regular basis as a sort of inside joke among Hollywood types. Seriously -- check out the below compilation video of the scream's most notable cameos. It's been featured in an astounding number of big-name productions.


The more you hear the Wilhelm Scream, the funnier it is...and I gotta tell ya -- I got a real kick out of catching it in a movie I saw just the other day. Yup, the Wilhelm Scream shows up in the new Twilight picture, of all places. Hearing it was the highlight of my viewing experience.

The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1259571/


Netflix description:
In this sequel to Twilight directed by Chris Weitz (American Pie), Forks, Wash., resident Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) is reeling from the departure of her vampire love, Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), and finds comfort in her friendship with Jacob Black, a werewolf (Taylor Lautner). But before she knows it, she's thrust into a centuries-old conflict, and her desire to be with Edward at any cost leads her to take greater and greater risks.

Yeah, I was dragged to New Moon by my fiance. When she told me she'd rather see it than Old Dogs, I figured, "Fine. I've got an open mind, and I can give something like New Moon a chance. Hey, I liked Buffy and Angel, right?" Really, there was no reason for me to just blow the movie off like every other man in America. Romantic vampires can be cool, can't they?

Well...maybe. See, here's the thing -- Twilight Saga: New Moon, although not necessarily BAD, is a chick flick ON EVERY CONCEIVABLE LEVEL. There is absolutely no reason for a dude to walk into this picture, as every frame, every line uttered, is so obviously tailor-made for women and women only. If you are a man and you like this stuff, I advise you to reevaluate your priorities.

Really, I should have known how over-the-top lady-friendly this film would be by the previews that rolled before it started. Seriously -- ALL OF THEM were for romantic comedies that take place in Italy. In fact, now that I think of it, New Moon also goes to Italy in the end! Hmm. What is it with chicks and Italy???

So New Moon is about a depressed teenage girl named Bella who has a vampire named Edward for a boyfriend (although I am new to the Twilight series, I gather that the two of them hooked up under difficult circumstances in the first installment). One day, the vampy BF splits, and Bella locks herself in her room, even more depressed. Winter changes into spring; spring changes into summer; summer changes back to winter; and winter gives spring and summer a miss and goes straight on into autumn....Bella just pouts and contemplates suicide. She's a regular spark plug!

Well, one day she meets a werewolf. His name is Jacob and, just like Edward, he's attracted to Bella for no apparent reason. I mean, I guess I can kind of see why the vampire likes Bella, as he's just as pale and morose as she is; but the Werewolf??? Except for the whole turning into a dog and attacking people thing, he seems like a pretty good guy. Jacob could do a lot better than Bella, and I don't get why he's so determined to protect her. She barely seems to appreciate it when he and his band of werewolf brothers step up to kill an evil vampire who appears around the 40-minute mark to get revenge for something which presumably happened in the first film. Yeah -- the wolves actually WORK to protect Bella while her useless vamp boyfriend sits around in a European luxury hotel sending her pointless telepathic messages. Thanks for nothing, Edward....

Anyway, it all ends when Bella rushes to Italy to stop Eddie from killing himself. Then, they go back to Idaho (or whereever their town is) and get married or something. The end.


Now, New Moon is fairly well-made, and it's got a few semi-intriguing moments; but walking out of the theater, I wondered how so little could happen in a two-hour film. The entire plot could be summed up about in ten seconds: depressed girl loses vampire; werewolf saves her from other vampire; she goes back to first vampire. I also resented the fact that New Moon subjected me to so many images of shirtless men. Like, those darn werewolves are playing on the Skins team for almost the entire picture. It's INDECENT! Even the sun-deprived Edward goes topless at one point. Why do they show us so many shirtless men, but no shirtless women? I'm all about equality, and I say that Kristen Stewart (who plays Bella) should have been required to disrobe with the rest of the cast. She AT LEAST could have worn a bikini! That would have pleased the men in the crowd, and given the jealous teenage girl audience something to criticize (which jealous girls delight in doing).

Furthermore, I think they should have included more classical monsters. You know -- we've got a werewolf and a vampire; why not liven things up a little with some extra abominations? Had this been MY picture, I would have included a mummy and maybe Godzilla to spice it all up. I also would have replaced the somewhat boring wereWOLF (man who turns into wolf) with a jive-talking wolfMAN (half-man, half-wolf), and Robert Pattinson's Edward with The Count, from Sesame Street. Now THAT would be a great movie!

(With art skills like these, I should have been a graphical designer.)

As it is, however, Twilight Saga: New Moon is a strictly MEH affair. I liked its pretty scenery, the cast turns out some good performances, and I enjoyed later scenes set before a High Vampire Council in Europe. However, these things aren't enough to save the film from being fundamentally dull. NOTHING HAPPENS, and our heroes simply aren't likable enough. As noted several paragraphs above, FOR ME, the best moment in New Moon was when the Wilhelm Scream makes an appearance. I won't spoil the surprise by telling you where. Waiting for it will give you something to do.

2 out of 5.

b.