My Top Five Christmas Movies

All right, it's time for another countdown....
Today, I present to you my top five favorite Christmas movies. Now, I classify something as a "Christmas movie" if the fact that it's taking place around Christmas is essential to the story. You know -- the film can't JUST HAPPEN to have a Christmas element in order for it to qualify; the Christmas setting must be CENTRAL to its very existence. For example, many people consider Die Hard to be one of the greatest Christmas movies of all-time, and while I agree that Die Hard is indeed awesome beyond comprehension, the fact that it happens to take place on Christmas Eve does not fundamentally affect the film's premise. Die Hard could have been set in mid-July, and not much would have been different, really. Therefore, I do not consider Die Hard a CHRISTMAS MOVIE, per se. I'll write about that one when I eventually do a Top Five Action Movies list (and believe me, it will rank high up there).

OK, with the ground rules now established, let's get started.

--NUMBER FIVE: Bad Santa (2003)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0307987/


Netflix description:
Two criminals (Billy Bob Thornton and Tony Cox) disguise themselves as Santa Claus and his elf and travel across the country to major malls, using the good will people have toward Santa to rob the mall stores blind. The plan is going along beautifully until the two reprobates meet an introverted 8-year-old boy who reminds them of the true meaning of Christmas. Bernie Mac, John Ritter and Cloris Leachman co-star.


I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Billy Bob Thornton is a national treasure. Suave, sophisticated, wise....He's adored by women, and respected by men. What a guy! Well, with Bad Santa, we have Billy Bob's crowning achievement. He plays an extremely troubled, alcoholic department store Santa who finds redemption in a new friendship with a fatherless young boy. Of course, that doesn't happen until after he's robbed a shopping mall blind, and engaged in a variety of other offensive public acts.


Some folks would argue that Bad Santa is not a film that sends a positive Christmas message, and I say that's pure hogwash. Sure, Bad Santa's all dirty humor and profanity for the first 70 minutes or so, but by the end, Billy Bob has found the true meaning of the season and we all learn something important. Not to mention the film's excellent supporting cast. It's got the late-great Bernie Mac as the jaded head of mall security; the also late-great John Ritter as the nerdy mall manager; and the hilarious Tony Cox as Billy Bob's vulgar midget sidekick. Oh, how about that Lauren Graham? Isn't she HOT? What's not to like here???

Now for a clip.

--NUMBER FOUR: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0058536/


Netflix description:
Sam the Snowman (Burl Ives) narrates the story of an eager, red-nosed reindeer who saves Christmas by leading Santa's sleigh through a driving snowstorm. Rudolph teams with an elf named Hermey and prospector Yukon Cornelius, and the trio encounters the Abominable Snowman en route to the island of misfit toys. The little reindeer returns to the North Pole hoping Santa can save the toys, but old St. Nick has a better idea.


Fine, so it was really an hour-long TV special. Whatever. Since this is MY blog and I get to make up my own rules, I say that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer should count as a movie. So there.

A true staple of the holiday season, Rudolph is a treat for all ages. It's a lovely story of individuality, wrapped in a cute Christmas theme. Rudolph the misfit reindeer runs away from home in Christmas Town after being ridiculed by his peers because of his red, glowing nose. With the help of Hermey, a wannabe dentist elf, our hero journeys across the cold north only to realize that he really was needed back home, after all.

I remember watching Rudolph each Christmas as a small boy, and being terrified of the evil Abominable Snowman, who hunts Rudolph and his friends throughout the film. I was so scared of the Snowman that I'd hide behind the couch during his scenes. How silly of me. As an adult, I now understand that the Abominable Snowman was really nothing at all to be afraid of. He's actually quite amusing. I mean, why did I FEAR that furry fellow? How funny children ca--


HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!! That thing is hideous! And what's he doing with that Chinese throwing star? Get him away from me!

Ahem.

Anyway, watching Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer the other day, I was struck by how dark it really was. Take, for example, the scene in which our heroes finally rid themselves of the Abominable Snowman. They drop a boulder on his head, and then pull out his teeth while he's unconscious. The poor Snowman wakes up to realize that he's no longer capable of hunting down small creatures and devouring them -- the only occupation he's ever had. The Bumble helplessly grasps at his now-toothless mouth, and then gets shoved off a cliff by a rampaging Yukon Cornelius.

That's not fair. Just what made the amateur dentist Hermey and his gold prospecting friend think they had the right to rob the Abominable Snowman of the choppers that God gave him? That poor creature was only doing what he'd been born to do, and the loss of his teeth reminded me of one of those horror stories you'll see in the news sometimes about a person who passes out drunk and wakes up to find that his arms and legs have been amputated by incompetent hospital staff (believe me folks, it happens). Look, either you KILL the Bumble, or you leave him alone. Taking his teeth is just cruel.

Oh, and I like the catchy tunes.

--NUMBER THREE: National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097958/



Netflix description:
Deck the halls with boughs of laughter -- the Griswolds are back! Clark (Chevy Chase), Ellen (Beverly D'Angelo) and the kids (Juliette Lewis and Johnny Galecki) gear up for the holidays in this installment of the "Vacation" series. As per usual, all the good intentions in the world can't save the family from disaster...or Cousin Eddie (Randy Quaid, who practically steals the show). This special edition includes brand new special features.

Back before National Lampoon's became the domain of horrible straight-to-DVD college party movies, there were some truly GOOD films made which carried the name. Christmas Vacation is perhaps the best of them. Chevy Chase once again plays the great Clark W. Griswold, and his mission this time around is to provide the entire family with an enjoyable Christmas. Of course, that's no easy task, considering that an array of insane relatives have shown up to stay at the Griswold compound for God-knows-how-long.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is Chevy Chase's greatest triumph. Here, he really gets a chance to shine, alternating between his dumbest slapstick-clumsy-guy routines, and his zaniest nerd-who's-had-enough freak-outs. How could one pick a best moment? I mean, there's the bit in which Griswold grossly overdecorates the family home with Christmas lights; the part where the squirrel gets in the house; the scene in which Clark goes nuts with a chainsaw....The list of funny moments goes on and on.

And don't forget the film's strong set of supporting characters (which seems to be a feature of most great comedies). Randy Quaid ALONE as the insane Cousin Eddie would have been enough to round out the hilarity in Christmas Vacation; but we also get the annoying yuppie neighbors thrown in the mix. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is a sound choice for any holiday audience.

Here's a clip.

--NUMBER TWO: Santa Claus: The Movie (1985)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0089961/



Netflix description:
This is the delightful story of a master toymaker who discovers a magical kingdom of elves at the North Pole. There he is entrusted with wonderous, special powers.

Oh, Santa Claus: The Movie. Why are you so overlooked?

I'll always have a special place in my black little heart for this picture. It tells the story of how Santa Claus came to be THE Santa Claus who we all know and love today. It starts with the origins of Santa, some centuries ago. He was just a nice man named Claus who made toys for the children around an unnamed forest in which he lived. One night, his sleigh gets caught in an especially dangerous snowstorm, and Claus nearly freezes to death (more on that in a moment). Just when it looks like things are all over for our hero, an army of mysterious, snow castle-dwelling elves takes him in and, well...one thing leads to another, you know....

The story jumps ahead to the 1980s, and Santa is struggling. He has a falling out with his top elf, Patch (played by the late-great Dudley Moore), who then heads out on his own for New York City. Patch hooks up with a shady toy tycoon named BZ (played by John Lithgow), and together, they give Santa Claus a run for his money as the top provider of free Christmas presents. Can Santa expose BZ for the charlatan that he really is and save Patch from the dangerous situation he's created?

Santa Claus is simply a charming family film. As a child, I marveled at the colorful toys produced by Santa's elves, and wished I could ride in his awesome flying sleigh. I also thought the homeless little boy that he befriended was cool, and I had a weird six-year-old crush on a red-headed girl named Cornelia who's also in the film (sidenote -- in real life, she's grown up to be a writer and pretty talented blogger). This is not to mention the film's fantastic score, which I still get stuck in my head at random times for no reason other than that it's good.

Watching Santa Claus: The Movie last night, I was most impressed by John Lithgow's inspired performance as the villain, BZ. He's right up there with UHF's RJ Fletcher on my personal list of Greatest Movie Bad Guys. Each of Lithgow's lines is delivered with such FLOURISH that he steals every scene (in fact, I noticed that he talks almost exactly like Rush Limbaugh in this movie). Here -- I made a little 17-second YouTube Video to demonstrate just how eccentric Lithgow is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-EkJne60sfo


My fiance also pointed out something interesting about Santa Claus: The Movie. COULD IT BE that the original, non-magical, Claus seen in the film's first ten minutes was actually supposed to HAVE DIED? See, I always assumed that Claus was saved by the elves before he froze to death in that storm; but my main squeeze suggested that perhaps he and his wife actually perished in their sleigh that night. THEN, after Claus was dead, the elves and other higher forces sort of revived his soul and turned him into the mythical Santa. There's a scene not long after in which a mysterious God-like elf addresses Santa just before his first run delivering toys. "From this day forth, he shall be known as 'Santa Claus,'" this long-bearded fellow declares, and all in his presence kneel and nod. I now wonder -- was that actually supposed to be God? Is it implied that He is behind Santa's powers? I noticed that even the reindeer bowed their heads to the strange bearded man, and, and....

Erm, I'm reading too deeply into this. OK, forget the last few paragraphs, and just rent Santa Claus: The Movie (if you can find it). It's a wonderful, stand-out Christmas family film.

Here's the trailer.

--NUMBER ONE: A Christmas Story (1983)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0085334/



Netflix description:
Humorist Jean Shepard's nostalgic view of Christmastime in Indiana during the 1940s is a holiday classic. Nine-year-old Ralphie desperately wants a Red Ryder BB Gun for Christmas and wages an all-out campaign to convince his reluctant parents (Darren McGavin and Melinda Dillon) that the toy is safe. Meanwhile, as Ralphie prepares for the big day, his brother has a strange relationship with food, and his dad fights the never-ending furnace battle.

How could anyone argue with this one? Frankly, I believe that if you don't like A Christmas Story, then you must have no soul. Every scene is classic; every character is memorable. There are few movies more loved than A Christmas Story, and watching it the other day, I was struck by how well it's held up after all these years. Ten year-old Ralphie spends the month or so before Christmas plotting to get his very own Red Rider BB gun, but to his dismay, every adult he meets tells him it'll be too dangerous. WILL Ralphie figure out a way to get his hands on that gun?

Go on. Watch A Christmas Story, and tell me it's not hilarious. There's something for all of us to relate to in this picture. For me, it's the scheming of the kids. If you were like me as a child, your every waking moment was devoted to some sort of finagling for something. Whether they were Nintendo games, or Ninja Turtle figures, I spent all of my childhood in the pursuit of toys...and I could tell lies better and faster than even our dear Ralphie, with no remorse whatsoever. Hey, the world's a jungle (especially for a kid), and if you break your glasses or something, you've GOT TO lie your way out of it. GOOD ON Ralph for telling his mom that an icicle injured him in that later scene when he finally got his mitts on the Red Rider Special. If he'd told the truth, his parents just would have taken away the BB gun. See -- you can learn valuable lessons from A Christmas Story.

Oh, and I like Ralphie's insane dad best of all.


Here's my favorite scene as a kid.

Well, thus concludes my Top Five Christmas Movies countdown. I hope you check out some of these films, and I hope you have a fairly tolerable holiday season.

Honorable mentions that came close to making the list:
--It's Christmas, Charlie Brown
--Love Actually
--Die Hard

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