OK, That Does It

I swear I am never flying again....
Just days after I praised the Obama folk for cracking down on airline passenger abuse, some nut went and tried to blow up a plane as it neared Detroit. Yeah -- on Christmas day, a bunch of Northwest passengers had to wrestle this would-be terrorist to stop him from setting off a shoe bomb or whatever. It figures. Right when I start to feel optimistic about the state of my least favorite thing -- air travel -- something big happens to make it three and a half times worse. This is why we can't have nice things, people.


Admittedly, as a Detroit native, I'm a bit flattered that the Motor City was considered significant enough by anyone to be a terror target. It's reaffirming after years of constant doubt, and it gives me a kind of "I still got it!" feeling. Like when a middle-aged lady gets hit on at a bar by a younger guy, and it makes her day. GOOD for you, D-Town! You still sexy....

But the other thought I have about this latest terror incident is not so positive. Yes, friends -- I'm referring to what all this means for airline security, which I've already blasted on multiple occasions. See, out of this Christmas near-bombing came a new, completely idiotic regulation: airline passengers may no longer leave their seats during the final hour of a flight. Apparently, this latest terrorist guy tried to set off HIS bomb during the final hour of HIS flight, so OBVIOUSLY, ALL TERRORIST GUYS WANT TO SET OFF THEIR BOMBS DURING THE FLIGHT'S FINAL HOUR. I mean, if you think about it, why would they want to blow up the plane at any other time??? Doing it SOON after takeoff would be inconsiderate to the other passengers who have just settled into their seats and need some time to relax...and doing it HALFWAY through the flight would just interrupt meal time. After all, a man can't blow up an airliner on an empty stomach, can he? To be an effective mad bomber, you've got to be well-nourished, so you may as well just wait for the stewardess to bring by the pretzels and Seven-Up. "It's entirely logical to assume that a terrorist will only strike during the final 60 minutes of a flight, and therefore, NO ONE should be allowed to get out of their seats during that time!" said the Security Masters this weekend.


So, lemme get this straight: I'm supposed to stay in my seat, like an elementary school child, for an entire hour, just because one terrorist tried to set off a bomb at that point during HIS flight? So what happens if a different terrorist tries to blow up his plane during the FIRST hour of a ANOTHER flight??? Apparently, the brilliant TSA would respond by banning passenger movement during that time, as well. Then maybe someone will whip out a bomb during the second or third hour of another flight, and we'll just be prohibited from moving about the plane altogether. I guess that's the way air travel officials handle these issues -- wait for something to happen, and then ban it.

HEY! You know this month's terrorist had his bomb hidden in his pants, don't ya? Uh-huh, right in the crotch area. So does that mean that just maybe airline passengers shouldn't be allowed to wear PANTS on board anymore? Hey, it'd make everything safer! Better yet, why not just let airport security do random strip searches on people??? Not only would that make everyone feel loved, but it would provide a great employment opportunity for perverts everywhere.


Now, all of this is not to mention the increased waiting times and other new hassles to be associated with air travel in recent days, leading me to the conclusion stated in line one of this entry -- that I shall never fly again. I could barely stand these things before, and now I know that it would be a bad idea for me to get on a plane at all. I'd lose my temper; I'd defy the orders of my stewardess captors and leave my seat; I'd get annoyed and spit obscenities at baggage handlers....All capital offenses in this paranoid and panic-prone environment. So, screw it. My New Year's resolution is to never fly again. Driving is way better, as it's more relaxing and the strip searches are strictly voluntary.

Oh, and while terrorist drama was going down in Detroit on Christmas day, I was about 200 miles away in a movie theater, checking out that new Avatar deal everyone's so excited about.

Avatar (2009)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0499549/


Netflix description:
When disabled Jake Sully (Sam Worthington) becomes an avatar spy and space travels to Pandora to mine -- and exploit -- an Earth-rescuing mineral, he soon finds himself involved in an interstellar conflict with the alien Na'vi race. After meeting Na'vi warrior Neytiri (Zoe Saldana), Jake begins to question his loyalties. James Cameron (Titanic) writes and directs this epic action film that also stars Sigourney Weaver and Stephen Lang.

I actually had no interest in Avatar at all until I saw this eyebrow-raising review from Jeff Wells, over at Hollywood Elsewhere. He's usually quite the cynic, so it was surprising to read such a gushing account of a CG blockbuster from him, and therefore I took note of James Cameron's new sci-fi epic. Barn burners like this aren't usually my cup of tea, but THIS IS James Cameron, after all. Could Avatar wow me like it wowed Jeffery Wells? Eh, not quite...but I was still impressed.

See, Avatar is about a paralyzed space marine named Jake who is sent to a hostile planet to take part in an experiment/military reconnaissance mission. Basically, he's strapped into a special sensory deprivation chamber and put in charge of a remote-controlled alien. Why? Well, he's supposed to infiltrate this race's culture, and find a way to destroy (or pacify) them so that a precious mineral only found on their land can be mined by humans. This race of aliens is, of course, the Navi -- those blue folk we've see in all of them commercials.

Jake is eventually accepted by the Navi and becomes a member of their society, but there's a problem: he begins to doubt his mission. See, once one gets past their savage demeanor, the Navi are actually good people with a rich culture. They have a profound connection to their home planet of Pandora that mankind could never comprehend and, really, what right does some foreign mining company have to displace or kill them, anyway? Jake is torn, and this creates some engaging drama for us. Suppose he betrays his human superiors and warns the Navi about their upcoming destruction, as he clearly wishes to do. Where is he to go AFTER that? Not to mention, the military promised to fix his spinal injury so that he can walk again when the mission is complete. Could he really throw away such an opportunity?

It's funny how Avatar pulls you in like that. I was expecting only to be impressed by the film's beautiful visuals, and wound up fully immersed in this fascinating story and place. As our Navi-Avatar Jake goes deeper into the alien culture, we start to forget that he's really just a crippled soldier hooked up to a computer in a lab; when he wakes up and returns to cold reality, we feel his disappointment that the dream is over. Jake starts to LOVE his adventures with the Navi, and so do we. "Can't there be some way he can STAY with them???" we ask.

Well, I won't spoil it for you, but everything does end nicely. Avatar culminates in a stomach-shaking battle scene that kept even my interest for its entirety, and lips curled into smiles across my packed theater as the film's credits began to roll. It was a fun and interesting ride for just about everyone.


I was not absolutely BLOWN AWAY by Avatar, but it really is about as good as a something like it can possibly be, and I must hand it to James Cameron for creating this wonderful new universe and drawing us in for a few hours. It's a picture that sticks with you; you're compelled to live in it for a while without even noticing, and I personally seem to admire Avatar more each time I think about it. The movie's political message is subtle enough to avoid interfering with its enjoyability, and anyone with a soul ought to be dazzled by the amazing scenery. I recommend Avatar to all audiences. Even the most jaded film cynic should find something to smile at here.

4 out of 5.

b.