Set Your Goals

I want to be a businessman....
Yes, watching American Psycho last night has inspired me, and I want to be just like Christian Bale's character from that film. No, no -- I don't mean that I admire the killing people part; it's the OTHER side of the dude that I wish to emulate. You know, the whole clean-cut, soulless, money making machine thing. Yeah, that. I thought it was cool that there were businessmen like that running around, making deals and stuff. I could be one of them. I want to be a Wall Street guy.


Now, I realize that I have no experience with any kind of business operation whatsoever. Heck, I can't even handle money properly. For example, when I was working midnights at a Speedway convenience store during college, my drawer was always WAY off when I closed out my shift each morning. I never understood how anyone could get an accurate count, either. I was doing the same things as my coworkers (as far as I could tell), and yet my drawer was routinely off by, like, 20 to 30 dollars. The management must have thought I was stealing or something. Well, screw them. I figure the loss was their problem. They should have hired someone who could count.


Anyway, I know nothing about business, but I still see no reason why I can't be a businessMAN. I mean, can't the lifestyle and attitude be separated from the particular skill set? Why should I have to sit through years of boring accounting classes just to work in a hot shot brokerage house?? Is it not possible to skip all of that and simply force my way into the high-stakes world of finance??? I say YES, it is....and I have a plan to make that happen. Check this out:

I will buy a bunch of expensive suits and then go to New York City. Upon arrival, I will find a fancy-looking restaurant in some financial area and go inside. There, I will sit down at the table of some cool-looking financial guys, and jump into their business conversation. Perhaps they'll be slightly confused at first, but after a few minutes of hearing me talk about the "margins on this excellent transaction," they'll just come to accept the fact that I'm supposed to be there with them. I'll make sure everyone gets my business card, and scope out the group for whose identity I want to take over. The businessman who seems the most easily fooled will be my target, and I'll follow him back to his office when he leaves (hey, we'll probably share a cab, as I'll just play it off like I work for his company). Once we're back and I've made sure he has a nice work space, I'll knock him unconscious and steal his wallet before dropping the hapless fellow off at a bar someplace at least 50 miles away. Hopefully, when he comes to, he won't know where he's supposed to be, as his ID and business cards have been stolen. Where the man winds up will be anyone's guess (he'll probably just go back to Harvard) , but with him out of the way, I'll have myself a brand new position at a major Wall Street firm!


I'll take over the office of whoever I've just duped and make sure that my own name is placed on the door with a title like "Acquisitions and Asset Management Coordinator" or something. Then, I'll tell my new secretary to hold my calls while I screw around all day. If someone comes by, I'll say something along the lines of, "Oh, yeah. I'm right on it, Bob!" or "I'm reviewing the balance sheets and contacting all interested parties." Perhaps I'll occasionally stride into board meetings and try to look confident that I know what's going on, although I'll have to be careful around the company's higher ups, as they probably have a more advanced ability to sniff out a phony, due to their political connections. If I play my cards right, I should be able to keep everyone at bay for a few months and live it up as a Wall Street high roller.

At night is when the REAL action will go down. I'll frequent expensive night clubs and have affairs with various rich, married women. Substances that are not totally "legal" will likely be involved, and 400 dollar-a-plate dinners shall be par for the course. Weekends, naturally, will be devoted to shopping and racquetball. Maybe I'll even get to fly in a private jet! If anyone tries to pin me down about what I do, I'll simply state, "I'm a businessman!"

(I'll put on the best Casual Friday presentations ever. Just look at that graph!)

How far I'll take all of this is hard to say. Maybe I'll engage in a little insider trading, although I guess I'd first have to learn what that even means. Someone from Harvard might be able to figure out where the original guy whose position I stole is actually supposed to be, and come sniffing around to reclaim it for him, in which case I may have to flee (don't try to fool the Harvard brass -- they're smarter than they seem). If that happens, so be it. By that time, I will have stolen so much money from the firm that I'll be able to retire in Jamaica or something. Maybe I'll even take my trophy rich girl wife with me...or maybe not.

Anyway, the point here is that you should check out American Psycho.

American Psycho (2000)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0144084/



Netflix description:
With a chiseled chin and an iron physique, Patrick Bateman's looks make him the ideal yuppie -- and the ideal serial killer. That's the joke behind American Psycho, which follows a killer at large during the 1980s junk-bond boom. Bateman (Christian Bale) takes pathological pride in everything from his business card to his Huey Lewis CD collection, all the while plotting his next victim's vivisection

Since everyone's already seen it, I won't waste your time with an in-depth review, but I WILL say that American Psycho is one of the most awesome movies ever. Hilarious and disturbing, this film features what is one of Christian Bale's best performances (really second only to The Machinist) as yuppie Patrick Bateman. He's an ultra-cool Wall Street investor business guy with one problem: he has a lust for blood...lots of it.

Patrick murderizes several people in a typically cold businessman way -- very efficient, very calm. Eventually, his murder spree gets a little out of hand. CAN Patrick stop this madness? WILL Patrick be caught by the nosy detective investigating the disappearance of one of his associates?? IS any of this actually happening???

That last question is really the only original thing I have to add to the pubic discourse about American Psycho. Is it possible that the whole story was really just in our (anti-) hero's head? I figure that's one of two possible explanations for what happens in the end. Either A, Patrick is fantasizing all of this; or B, the world of 1980s business yuppies was so impersonal that no one could tell each other apart (this would validate my own plan for infiltrating the world of high finance). Any thoughts?


Either way, American Psycho blew my friggin' mind, and I must admit that I'm ashamed for having not seen it until this week. Anyone else in that same boat is urged to give this bad boy a rental (or, really, a straight-up purchase) right away.

5 out of 5.

b.