Sure, there have been various times when I took a sort of passing interest in baseball; but once the season ended, I totally forgot about it and didn't resume watching when the next season began. It's just too much of a hassle. If I'm going to devote so much of my (very) limited mental capacity to something, it's got to be more stimulating and involve fewer numbers to memorize.
The other major sports have never done it for me at all. Basketball, hockey, soccer -- couldn't care about them if I tried. Then there's football ("American Football" to you folks outside the US), my least favorite major sport. I barely understand how it's played. Apparently, it involves a bunch of people knocking each other to the ground until someone blows a whistle and they have to start over again.
God, that stupid whistle! Every time I've tried watching a football game, that lousy, low-down, no-good whistle has made the experience unbearable. It's like, there's stuff people are trying to DO out there on that field, but some jerk referee won't LET THEM. NOOOO, he doesn't want anything to be accomplished, so he instead has to make everyone STOP what they're doing every five seconds by blowing into his precious little whistle. Then, they've got to line up in their formations again and repeat the whole process. How tedious. The start-stop-start-stop nature of football makes it torture for me. I just can't handle my emotions betting toyed with like that, and the sadistic referees seem to sense it.
Oh, and then there's all the weird technical terms. Whenever I hear a couple of football fans talking about their sport, I feel like I'm back in sixth grade math class: I have no idea what's going on, and I pray that no one calls on me to answer any questions. There's all this mumbo jumbo about downs and spreads and, like, linemen or something...I dunno. Why is football so complicated? Why can't you people just watch bowling???
I bring all of this up, of course, because we're now heading into the big Super Bowl weekend. Yup, the Rams and the Saints and the Dodgers (or something) will be facing off on Sunday for the biggest sports night of the year, and I'm certain to be left out of the loop. People always invite me over to watch the big game with them this time of year, and I feel a little guilty about declining, but what am I to do? I don't even know what's going on, man! It's also surprising to me each February to listen to all the Super Bowl talk going around so casually. Suddenly, it's as though a side of my closest friends that I had never seen is being revealed to me. I had no idea that, like, EVERYBODY was so into sports. Apparently, it's odd that I am uninterested.
I think the part of my brain that would normally be devoted to sports is actually being used for video games, as I seem to be as into gaming about as much as a sports nut is into his favorite team. While you're using X-percent of your mental capacity to watch the Super Bowl, I'm using that same percentage on Mass Effect 2 and Borderlands. That's cool, I guess. Gaming is much more fun to me, since I get to have an active role in what's taking place on the screen -- I'm the one moving the plot forward, and my personal level of skill factors into how everything pans out. With sports, all one can do is be a spectator. If your team sucks, there's nothing you can do about it. The only way a fan can really affect what's happening in a sporting event is to run out on to the field, which is exactly what I intend to do if I ever somehow get tickets to the Super Bowl. I don't care WHO beats the daylights out of me on national television; I'm going to run out on to the field in the middle of a big play and screw everything up. That would be awesome!Anyway, I hope everyone has a lovely Super Bowl viewing experience this weekend. Just don't take it personally if I fail to show up and watch the game with you. It's not you; it's me. I become frightened and confused too easily to handle something like football, and would rather just watch a movie about it instead.
So, just to stay on topic, I'll close today with a little list of my favorite sports movies:
--Major League (baseball)
--BASEketball (uh, baseketball?)
--Happy Gilmore (golf)
--Necessary Roughness (football)
--The Hammer (boxing)
b.
Are you being shy or is there a reason you haven't got at least a small part of your brain roped off to think about s-e-x? Perhaps that's too forward a question, considering our short acquaintance.
ReplyDeleteI sort of stopped thinking about sex a couple years ago....
ReplyDeleteOr, maybe it occupies a small part of the "Other Stuff" section of my brain.
Oh, Baseketball.....if I want to clear my husband out of the room, all I have to do is threaten to watch that movie. It is my secret weapon! Or was, now that I told you, not so secret anymore :(
ReplyDeleteAnyway, here is to avoiding the Super bowl. Personally, I am going to clean the basement. :D
Cheers!
This is my favorite blog that you've ever written...maybe because I agree with all of it...and yeah, how come sex isn't in the brain...I thought the same exact thing when I saw your brain as Ali did.
ReplyDeleteI don't understand the rules of American Football. It's like looking at one of those Magic Eye 3D pictures. It I stare hard enough, it kind of swims into view for a second. But as soon as I turn away, it's gone.
ReplyDeleteI've even been to see games and they make less and less sense as they go alone.
A very strange game!
You're right....
ReplyDeleteI don't get it, either. Too technical.
I'd rather watch regular football ("soccer") than American football.
I watch the Super Bowel every year for the ads because I'm a mediavore, but I don't pay much attention to the game or the half-time show (which is an entirely separate and distinct steaming pile of excrement.)
ReplyDeleteAnd I have a whole section of my brain mapped out for video games as well. It's almost my most favoritest part of my whole brain (except it sometimes intrudes on the parts controlling literacy.)
You have a small penis, you fag!
ReplyDelete