My Short Career In Public Relations

I don't make a whole lot of money as a radio news guy, so I recently decided to augment my income with a second job....
Many reporter-type people go into public relations when they leave the field, since they're so used to reading press releases, and I figured I'd follow the same path. All I needed was a sweet part-time gig doing media stuff for some company, and I knew I'd be on Easy Street. The first thing I had to do was update my resume' to land the right position:

("As long as no one tries to verify anything, I'll be all set.")

This was back in March. I figured I'd aim for a company that wasn't making any headlines; someplace where fielding media inquiries would be easy. You know -- a company that no one ever thought about, but constantly needed. Hmm....Something like, say...an oil company! "Yes," I thought, "an oil company would certainly need a PR guy, but not on a day to day basis." If I could find myself some petroleum producer that operates below the radar of public consciousness, I'd be GOLDEN!

So, I applied to BP.


I couldn't believe it when they hired me to be the personal public relations guy for the head honcho. Not only did they fail to check my references, but they also allowed me top-level access and a six-figure salary right off the bat. "Wow," I said to myself, "These guys sure are reckless. What a bunch of chumps!"

I immediately hit it off with CEO Tony Hayward. We went skiing; we went white water rafting; we talked investments....He and I were two peas in a pod, Tony and me. And I remember how readily he would take my advice! Like, this one time, he was telling me about how he really ought to head down to the Gulf of Mexico to check up on some off-shore drilling rig the company was setting up. I was like, "Tony, baby, you work too hard. Just send some intern to do that grunt work. We've got a jet ski tournament to attend!" He totally took my advice.

Well...


Things with that rig didn't work out too well, and soon, I found myself having to really earn my keep with the company. Annoying reporters were hounding me constantly about the stupid oil spill down in the gulf, and I did my best to shield Tony from the bad publicity. I sent him off on a scuba diving getaway in pristine waters far (FAR) from the coast of Louisiana, and waited for the whole thing to blow over.

But then Congress called.

Yeah, they insisted that Tony come and testify to some committee about the spill and clean-up efforts. I told Tony, "Look, be as evasive as possible. Don't give the congressmen any straight answers, and act like you have no idea what caused the explosion, or what's being done to fix the spill. This will put you in the good graces of the American people, since they like it when an oil company executive stands up to government bureaucrats. Act totally clueless in your testimony, Tony!"



He did exactly as I advised, and wouldn't you know it? Things didn't work out so well. Everyone got mad at him for refusing to say anything helpful, and me and Tony had to flee the country. Man, I'm really losing my understanding of the American public here. I thought the little people LIKED heartless and aloof oil executives!

Anyway, Tony and I retreated to England for a little R & R. He had been scheduled to take part in a yacht race, but was thinking of dropping out. He was all, "I don't know, Andrew. It might send the wrong message if I go racing about in my beloved yacht at this time." I said, "Tony, my MAIN MAN, it will send the wrong message if you DON'T take part in the race! Regular folks like a fellow who sticks to his guns. Now, go out there, and show 'em what you've got, Tiger!"


WELL...once again, I was shocked to see the public reaction. I never would have guessed that people would be upset that a man tries to get some relaxation on a Saturday afternoon by being in a yacht race. And to make matters worse, we only came in fourth!

Needless to say, Tony and I have had a strained relationship for the last week or so. He told me on Saturday night to just pack my bags and go back to Michigan, as my services are no longer required at BP. That's understandable, I guess. Looking back, I really didn't do all that great of a job.

So long, Tony Hayward. I enjoyed working with you while it lasted....


I guess that in life, it's best for a man to just stick to what he knows best -- in my case, watching bad movies and blogging about snack cakes.

SO...I'll be back tomorrow, doing exactly that. Stay tuned for my review of yet another movie about Nazi zombies, and some lovely Dollar Tree finds. In the meantime, give Tony Hayward a break. It's not HIS fault that some idiot gave him bad PR advice.

b.