RIP Hollywood Video

So, I guess every Hollywood Video store in the country is closing....
Even though I've been a staunch Netflix proponent for three or four years now, I still say it's a darn shame to watch the brick and mortar movie rental outlets go totally under. I have fond memories of my local video store from back in the day -- aimlessly browsing the aisles of the Horror section...sneaking a peak into the Adult section...ignoring my late fees.


Ah, late fees. You know, I think they're a big reason why the video store is struggling to compete against Internet. Don't forget -- Netflix bases a substantial portion of its advertising around the "No Late Fees" selling point; people hate paying late fees...especially those who are young and irresponsible.

When I was in college, I had, like, nine or ten video store accounts. See, I'd rack up late fees at one establishment, and then move on to the next one down the road once the current place refused to rent anymore to me. Eventually, I was driving 14 to 15 miles just to find a location where I didn't owe a bunch of friggin' money. My wallet overflowed with video store membership cards -- Blockbuster, Video Warehouse, Mega Video, Video Man, Mammoth Video, Family Video and, of course, Hollywood Video.

For some reason, I decided that I preferred Hollywood Video to its main rival, Blockbuster. It just seemed less evil, possibly because the employees at most Hollywoods are cooler than than their counterparts at Blockbuster. Around the age of 20, I frequented a Hollywood Video about 12 miles from my house on a regular basis and, at the height of my film snobbery, even embarked on a program of renting every film in its Foreign section. Granted, that section only had about 40 movies in it, but darned if I didn't pull the mission off. Yup -- I watched every tape on the store's Foreign shelf. That makes me very cultured and classy, you know.


Which actually brings me to the real reason why I, personally, made the leap from video store to Netflix: selection. A physical, living and breathing VIDEO STORE can stock a limited number of movies, and the stuff that I want to see is probably not going to rank very high on the ownership's priority list for taking up valuable shelf space. Just as my old Hollywood Video only had enough room for 40 or 50 foreign pictures, it also had little room for crap like Thankskilling or Satanic Yuppies. You know -- the weirder, more obscure stuff. That's what I want to see, and Netflix has all of it!

Seriously -- if a movie was made at all, it's probably available on Netflix. I ditched the old fashioned world of Hollywood and Blockbuster when I realized that good old Netflix could ship me things like The Living Dead Girl with no fuss at all, whereas I'd have to go through a friggin process of filling out a form and ordering it from some clerk to get it at the regular video store. Especially during my days of dwelling in a tiny rural town a few years ago, getting anything interesting was a huge hassle. The folks at Thumb Home Video in Bad Axe, Michigan may have been very nice, but they also looked at me like I was from Mars when I asked if they had anything by Dario Argento.


But again -- I'm saddened to learn that Hollywood Video is no more. Such establishments, I think, are essential to the proper functioning of any civilization. --That is, actual places that provide jobs to people and allow for human interaction. I'm troubled by the recent trend of large-scale retail closings. All of these corporate chains are arbitrarily shutting down locations and costing the economy yet more jobs in the name of streamlining operations and somehow increasing profits. It doesn't even make sense to me.

For instance, I'll bet that my local Hollywood Video wasn't losing money. Whenever I went in there, the place was noticeably busy. Certainly, it was doing enough business to turn some kind of profit. So, why should it have to shut down? What, just because some dumb corporation went under, people doing their jobs properly at a franchise a few thousand miles away from headquarters have to become unemployed??? That's no way to run a business. Doesn't seem fair at all.

It reminds me of the FYE situation. FYE is a music-movie-video game chain that shut down hundreds of stores a couple years ago because the idiots in charge didn't know how to run a company. Now, here's the thing -- not all of the stores that were shuttered were losing money. Many of them were breaking even, but the parent company decided that wasn't good enough. "Yawn, let's hurt a few thousand lives, and lay off tons of employees," said the corporate types while lazing around their chocolate fountain getting back rubs. And I've noticed companies across America following the same strategy for years now. They've developed a brilliant model of laying people off in order to make themselves seem more profitable. This brainless cycle of unchecked greed and job losses appears to have started with the introduction of free trade and, I fear, will not end for a long time.

It's like our economy picked up a shotgun and blew its own head off. Here's my horrible attempt at a webcomic to demonstrate how everything fell apart:










I think the light at the end of the tunnel is that the corporate model for retail, in general, will eventually fail and disappear (at least for a while). Video store chains like Hollywood and Blockbuster are not sustainable, but INDIVIDUAL places -- mom and pop, family-owned joints -- WILL be perfectly able to survive once those big boys are out of the way. Independent operators will once again emerge after the chains have burned themselves out -- much in the same way that electronic stores and radio stations will come to once again be owned by regional entrepreneurs after Best Buy and Clear Channel finally die. That's the beauty of capitalism: it's a self-correcting system. If you think about it, things will have to work that way; otherwise, we won't have video stores, appliance retailers, or radio stations at all!

SO, I stopped by my local Hollywood Video over the weekend to check out its Going out of Business DVD prices while the joint was still around. They're down to 40 percent off, which is pretty good...although I was told that the location will not completely close until EVERYTHING has been sold off, which means even bigger price reductions are coming later (I can't wait to take part in the final, last-ditch "name your own price" phase of the closing). Here are a few of the deals I've scooped up so far:

Sid and Nancy (1986)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0091954/


Netflix description:
This gritty biopic portrays the relationship and downward spiral of Sex Pistols bassist Sid Vicious (Gary Oldman) and his junkie girlfriend, Nancy Spungen (Chloe Webb), from their first meeting soon after Vicious joined the iconic punk band to the tragic end of their story. Hole front woman Courtney Love plays Nancy's friend, Gretchen, and music from the Clash's Joe Strummer, the Pogues, the Circle Jerks and others is included on the soundtrack.

Yes, the story of two of punk rock's most iconic figures, this film could be accused of romanticizing drug use, but I still think it tells a compelling story. Here, we learn a bit about Sex Pistols bassist (if you can really call him that) Sid Vicious, and his lover, the obnoxious American Nancy Spungen. Sid and Nancy makes the same mistake that most rock biographies make in that it over-dramatizes what was in all likelihood a very dark situation to live through; but it's fun to watch nonetheless. The bits featuring Sex Pistols frontman Johnny Rotten are also a treat. Too bad there wasn't more awesome late 70s punk music featured here, but whatever. Enjoy this early example of Gary Oldman overacting. The price? Six bucks.

3 out of 5.

The Brothers Solomon (2007)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0784972/


Netflix description:
The socially inept Solomon brothers (Will Forte and Will Arnett) go on a quest to grant their dying father's last wish to have a grandchild in this quirky comedy. But because their dad home-schooled them in the wilds of the Arctic, the guys have no idea how to relate to women. They give it a good try, though, as they proposition potential mates, look into adoption and surrogacy and engage in their own wacky version of fatherhood training.

Similar to Dumb and Dumber, The Brothers Solomon is the tale of two idiots. The plot beyond that isn't really so important, but let's say that it involves our heroes' attempts to produce an offspring in order to please their father. This movie is certainly hit or miss, but it features the lovely Kristen Wiig, whom I have already praised multiple times in this blog, as well as some fun idiocy courtesy of Will Forte and Will Arnett. If you're not expecting too much, you may find some light chuckles here. The price??? Five bucks.

3 out of 5.

My Blue Heaven (1990)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0100212/


Netflix description:
The FBI's Witness Protection Program is turned funnyside up when Steve Martin and Rick Moranis play mob informant Vinnie Antonelli and agent Barney Coopersmith in this criminally comic caper. Vinnie's got smooth moves, a swank wardrobe and a mean dance step. His identity, home and lawn mower are new, but he's still the same: a guy with an eternal scam. That makes overseer Barney a guy with a huge headache.

A sadly overlooked and forgotten gem, this harmless little comedy from the early 90s is one that I've been meaning to pick up for well over a decade. Steve Martin is an annoying mobster who's been placed in the witness protection program, and Rick Moranis is charged with keeping him out of trouble pending a major trial that will put away some notorious criminal bigwigs. My Blue Heaven isn't necessarily a "Big Laughs" sort of movie; more like a "grin quietly once you start to like the characters" kind of deal. I still think about this movie at least once a week, but haven't even seen it in about 15 years. Check it out on the Netflix instant streaming service. The price for me??? Five bucks.

4 out of 5.

Well, thus concludes my embarrassingly inept and ill-informed diatribe against corporate chains. Yes, I know that I'm also part of the reason for Hollywood Video's downfall...but I don't care. I say that I should be allowed to rent from Netflix while the rest of you people go to Hollywood and Family Videos. What's your problem, anyway??? How could you folks have let this happen???

Jerks.

b.