A New Lesson

So, I recently got to spend a weekend with a baby....
Yeah, that's right -- an infant...like, nine months old or so.

(Steve WHO???)

See, I was home visiting my mom, and she was babysitting for an associate. The little one left in her charge was actually, by all accounts, a remarkably WELL-BEHAVED baby. Heck, even I could guess that just by being around him for a few hours, and I know nothing about babies. The kid rarely would cry; he just kind of crawled around or sat there staring at things -- mostly me.

Yeah, the little dickens was fascinated by Yours Truly. Every time I came in the room, he'd fix his eyes on me like he was waiting for something extraordinary to happen. I was like, "Listen, man -- I'm not gonna give you goo-goo eyes and speak in a high-pitched voice to make you think I'm some Sesame Street character." Instead, I just nodded at him every so often, as if to say, "Yup. Hey, how's it goin'?"

Anyway, it was interesting for me to be around a baby for a full weekend because I had never really seen first-hand what that's like. Babies, and kids in general, make me uneasy. It's like I can tell they want something from me, and that something is precisely what I'm incapable of providing. I can't get down on one knee and speak all sweet to some little critter. Women, I have noticed, have this ability. For some reason, they have no trouble talking all cute-like to children and animals, whereas the ultra manly Drew, over here, would look, sound, and feel incredibly foolish even attempting the feat.

But talking to the baby wasn't the only thing I realized I couldn't do. There are lots of tasks related to proper infant care with which I would struggle if ever expected to perform them. For instance....

CRYING --

I have little idea of what to do if a baby starts crying. Or, maybe I just don't want to do what's necessary to get him to stop....Either way, I lack the ability to manage a crying kiddie.

Babies have no shame or sense of decency; they will demand of you whatever they need at the moment, and continue crying if you don't give it to them. Heck, you can't even REASON WITH a baby. Try that, and the kid will just cry even louder.


On the rare occasions this past weekend when the baby I was near started crying, I just advised the ladies to leave him alone. I was like, "Only respond to 50 percent of crying episodes. That way, the child will learn that, in life, you're lucky to get what you want about half of the time." No one seemed to think this was a good strategy. It's a good thing my fiance was such a sport about helping out with such matters, since I wanted to cower in the the corner under the basement stairs every time I heard infantile whimpering coming from another room.

I mean, REALLY -- what am I supposed to do? Drop my X-Box controller and come running every time some kid needs to eat or falls down the stairs??? My God, these babies are CONSTANT work!

HOLDING --

Everyone knows that you've got to hold a baby quite a bit. The little fellas can't really walk, and even if they could, they'd probably move pretty slow and just bump into everything. It simply makes more sense to pick them up.

But the problem here is that I don't feel I have the proper qualifications to do so. Sure, the average baby is pretty light, but they tend to squirm around a lot, and suppose I accidentally drop him? Then what?? I don't want to be held liable for any damage the infant might suffer.


The gentleman you see above took a lot of heat in the media for his baby holding methods. If it could happen to him, it could happen to any of us.

FEEDING --

Yeah, you've got to spoon-feed babies. They can't even hold utensils! HA!!!

OR, you've got to feed a baby...in another manner (ahem). Neither of these options is well-suited to my particular skill set or temperament. I'm too busy feeding myself to coax some kid into eating, anyway. It's like, DUDE -- just eat your cheeseburger!

DIAPER CHANGING --

Erm....


Changing diapers is a task best left to the womenfolk...or, really, any folk who aren't me. My mom says that when I was a baby, I would wizz right in her face while she was trying to change my diapers (heh). Something tells me that any kid I might produce would likely do the same thing to me. Funny, to be sure; but still, very rude indeed.

Yes, I do believe that I would be thrown into a world of confusion and discomfort if I ever were to be charged with the care of an infant. Most of the essential duties, which are pretty much required on a CONSTANT BASIS, are unpleasant and counter intuitive to a guy like me. I guess if the stork brought a little tyke my way, I'd give it my best shot, but really, I'd have trouble so much as TALKING to the kid, let alone cleaning up after him.

But now that I think of it, maybe there would be some valuable life skills I could teach a child, after all. For instance, I could tell him all about B-movies that should be avoided...such as this one.

Timecrimes (2007)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0480669/


Netflix description:
After accidentally traveling to the past, Héctor (Karra Elejalde) meets himself and triggers a series of mysterious events that lead to a shocking crime. The gripping time-travel story -- at once deeply intricate and easy to follow -- also stars Candela Fernández. Oscar-nominated short-film director Nacho Vigalondo makes his feature debut with this finely crafted sci-fi thriller.

Time travel movies are tricky business. The very nature of the subject matter puts them all at a serious risk of being incomprehensible. Once your characters start messing with the space-time continuum, all sorts of wacky plot holes can pop up, and often, well-meaning filmmakers will chase that monkey just a little too far. They think that they're giving humanity some sort of groundbreaking new examination of deep scientific theory; a fantasy mind screw that will rock the worlds of all who see it...but instead, what they end up creating is a giant mess that simply makes no sense. Look, not everyone can be the Wachowski Brothers.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who's noticed that the Terminator series is totally illogical (read THIS article for a pretty good intro into why), and I'll freely admit that I had to watch Donnie Darko, like, 47 times before I sorta understood it. Hey, even Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure is a bit confusing in some parts, and that's an INTENTIONALLY stupid time travel movie. Time travel raises all sorts of questions, and Timecrimes is an example of a film that delves into the subject and does a horrible job of ironing them out. I got the impression that, somehow, this movie was supposed to make sense, but frankly, I didn't care enough to think about it further. That's what's known as "fail."

Timecrimes is a Spanish movie about a middle-aged guy who ventures into the woods near his home one day to investigate something odd that he spotted while bird watching or something (I dunno -- he's looking at the trees with binoculars; it doesn't matter why). The dude's name is Hector, and he hikes out into the wilderness to find a nude woman lying on the ground and a psycho killer with a face all wrapped in bloody bandages hiding nearby. When the psycho stabs him with a pair of scissors, Hector makes a break for it, and winds up at some sort of lab hidden farther out into the forest. There, a mysterious scientist lures Hector into a giant apparatus that is soon revealed to be time machine, and he wakes up, like, two hours into the past.

Now, Hector is confronted with the fact that he cannot simply return home to resume normal life with his family because...well...the Hector from two hours ago (let's call him Hector Number One) is still alive and hanging around. OUR Hector (let's call him Number Two) can't very well just waltz into his house and sit down for supper like everything's cool because there ANOTHER ONE OF HIM already there! That would be, like, a cosmic paradox or something.

SO, Hector 2 decides that the best way to deal with this situation is to KILL Hector One and simply take his place (would that be murder, or suicide?). Of course, things get even more complicated when Hector One makes his way out into the woods to the very same spot where Hector Two just ran into the psycho killer, thereby setting off the chain of events that led to his trip through time and creating this entire problem. Hector One does the same friggin' thing that Hector Two did, and yada yada yada.... Soon, there are, like, three or four Hectors running around, all with plans to murder the other Hectors. Ya follow???

Man, my description of Timecrimes makes the film sound a lot better than it really is. The truth is that this movie is a convoluted mess featuring characters with whom no one on the Earthly plane could possible sympathize. I mean, take Hector -- this man is NOT a bankable hero. I disliked him from the first frame, and made the assumption early on that the focus of the movie would switch to someone else, as this guy has about as much charisma as a sack of rotten potatoes (come to think of it, he kind of LOOKS like a sack of potatoes). Our main character is lazy, rude to his wife, and devoid of any discernible personality. Plus, he's got this spare tire around his waist that is downright distracting. Now, I truly hate to criticize anyone's physical attributes, but I mean, COME ON, man -- get in shape for your lousy movie. Bottom line is that Hector is lame, and I would heckle him if I ever saw him in a public setting.

(Once again, I employ my excellent Photoshop and artistic abilities to depict an amusing situation. In this case, it's me seeing Timecrimes in a theater. Note the use of color and space. These skills can't be taught in any night school. No, sir -- I've got TALENT.)

And to make matters worse, there are MULTIPLE Hectors running around in Timecrimes! I had trouble even figuring out what they were doing; the actions of these Hectors are all mixed up, and the film provides us with no logical end in sight to the creation of more and more of them. Plus, the motives of this picture's supporting characters are impossible to comprehend. Timecrimes basically has three characters besides our hero, and it's actually difficult to tel them apart, let alone understand why they're acting as they do. To heck with these jerks!

Timecrimes could have been an interesting example of what happens when someone with a good idea sets out to make a compelling movie using only the scantest of resources. Sadly, it ends up being a complete waste of time. Sure, it's stylish (I did like the score); but the novelty will wear off after a half hour, and you'll just find yourself sitting there in exasperation, going "WHAAA???" for the other 60-plus minutes.

Get bent, Hector.

2 out of 5.

b.