In The Not Too Distant Future

Well, I certainly hope that most of us are familiar with Mystery Science Theater 3000....
Yes, Mystery Science Theater 3000 -- one of the greatest shows ever to air on television. Just in case anyone here is uninitiated, let me recap:


Once upon a time, there was a TV show called Mystery Science Theater 3000. It was about a guy and two robots who were trapped on a satellite in space. Each week, these three souls (well, one soul and two robots, I guess) would be forced to watch bad movies by their evil captor, who was a mad scientist. They would do their best to make the experience more bearable by poking fun at the films in question -- usually, with hilarious results. We, the audience, got to watch these terrible B-movies in real time with our heroes, and the laughs were always golden.

Look, if you have never seen Mystery Science Theater, it's going to be difficult for you to understand what it was all about. Therefore, I advise you to simply watch this brief clip so you can get an idea of what I'm referring to for the rest of this entry. OK?

(From the Hobgoblins episode.)

Ah, NOW maybe you can get a handle on what MST3K was all about. It was three personalities watching the worst movies ever made, and having a fine old time bashing the heck out of them.


I first heard about MST3K when I was about 12 or so. My best friend John told me about the show one day during lunch at our lousy middle school. He was like, "There's this show on at, like, three AM every Sunday on Comedy Central. It's about a guy and two robots making fun of crappy movies, and it's AWESOME! YOU GOTTA SEE IT!!!"

I had a bit of difficulty picturing what he was trying to describe, but was intrigued nonetheless. Therefore, I asked John to tape the show for me.

The next week, he showed up to school with a fresh VHS of the latest Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode. Now, having at that point already become a fan of bad cinema (what with my love of Joe Bob Briggs' Drive-In Theater and all), I was hooked at first viewing. This was precisely the kind of programming I had always wanted -- witty, different, PACKED with obscure references, and oozing personality. Plus, it was cheap in its own charming way, which I always like.


I deeply resented the fact that my cable provider at the time (friggin' Comcast) was not offering the fledgling Comedy Central network in my neighborhood yet, and that I was forced to rely upon John to tape episodes of MST3K for me each week. Like a true friend, he did so on a fairly sporadic basis, and I also took every opportunity possible to stay the night at his house on the weekends so that we could watch the show together. It was just so...unusual.

Thanks to Mystery Science Theater 3000, I got to view such otherwise-forgotten films as I Accuse My Parents, The Giant Gila Monster, and Hobgoblins -- all with the helpful and insulting commentary of my beloved hosts Joel, Tomservo, and Crow.

Over time, MST3K evolved, and a new dude named Mike replaced original host Joel Hodgson. I rejected Mike at first, but like many others, eventually came to like him. In fact, in recent years, I have somewhat grudgingly begun to regard Mike's MST3K episodes as generally funnier than Joel's (sorry, Mr. Hodgson). The show at one point got dumped from Comedy Central, and moved over to the brand spanking new Sci-Fi Network, where it lingered for a few years before being quietly canceled.


To this day, I and all other MST3K fans remain dedicated to the cause. That's right -- the cause of making fun of bad movies. I still watch the show on DVD, thanks to my friends at Netflix. In fact, a good portion of MST3K episodes can be streamed instantly on the Netflix service these days.

I'm quite fortunate that my lovely better half enjoys the show, as well, because that enables me to not only relive the magic with her at my side, but also check out episodes that I never got to see the first time around. I've experienced lots of MST3Ks, but due to the longevity of the program, still have yet to watch all of them. Nevertheless, here's my list of the three best episodes, named according to the films they trashed:

Manos: The Hands of Fate (1993)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0757564/

Manos: The Hands of Fate is one of the worst movies ever made, so of course it's only fitting that the gang at MST3K would have a field day with it. This picture is a campy, psychedelic affair from the 1960s about a weird devil cult out on the California desert. Completely disjointed and horribly made on all levels, Manos: The Hands of Fate would probably be funny even without the MST3K guys tearing it down. I also like the title of this one. Think about it -- manos means "hands" in Spanish. Therefore, the name of this movie is essentially "HANDS: The Hands of Fate." That's classic!

Now here's a clip:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qv0E_eXHZg


Santa Claus Versus The Martians (1991)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0776520/

A ridiculously bad kids movie from the 1960s, Santa Claus Conquers The Martians pretty much shows its hand with the title. I mean, c'mon -- Santa Claus CONQUERS the MARTIANS??? Here, we've got two silly concepts -- Santa and Martians -- AND they're doing battle! This may be the only instance in which I've ever heard of Santa needing to "conquer" anything; I guess he went violent and imperialist for a spell back in the early 60s.

Anyway, Joel and the bots are just as appalled at this film's badness as they are amused, and the ride is an exceptionally hilarious one. The Santa Claus Conquers The Martians episode is probably a good place to start for any newbies interested in checking out the show for the first time.

Now here's a clip:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2pHGelor92A


The Final Sacrifice (1998)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0655460/

This one may be my favorite episode of all -- the one in which Mike, Crow, and Tomservo watch The Final Sacrifice. It's a horrible, horrible, ultra-low budget, Sci-Fi-Adventure film from Canada about a kid who discovers a map to a long-lost civilization. While trying to locate the civilization's ancient underground city, the kid is chased by a mysterious cult that also happens to have been responsible for the murder of his father some years prior.

The BEST part, though, is a character named Zap Rowsdower. He's a beer-guzzling Canadian redneck who helps our hero survive the entire ordeal. The MST3K gang has a lot of fun with old Rowsdower, and audiences apparently connected with the joke, since Rowsdower has since become a bit of a pop culture cult hero. He's in the Urban Dictionary, and t-shirts with his likeness can even be purchased online. All hail Rowsdower!

Here's a clip:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lRTbW98v8ys

(A true hero for the new century.)

Well, there you have three great episodes of the show to check out. OH..and don't forget -- the MST3K crew is STILL active bashing bad movies. Yeah, you can download what are known as "Riff Tracks" from their website, and relive the fun of the glory days for as little as 99 cents per film!

See, a Riff Track is basically just an MP3 of the old MST3K gang bashing a movie. The genius of it is that the Riff Track doesn't actually include the MOVIE ITSELF; rather, it's just the MST3K COMMENTARY. You download this simple audio file, and then play it WHILE WATCHING the movie for which it's intended. You gotta obtain the DVD of the film yourself, but once you do, you just play it alongside the Riff Track, and simulate the old Mystery Science Theater 3000 experience.

The new Riff Tracks can be found here. Check them out, and have a few laughs while our friends from MST3K bash such recent blockbusters as Twilight, Avatar, and Terminator: Salvation. They're a real hoot!


Anyway, in general, I give Mystery Science Theater 3000 a....

5 out of 5.

b.