Rank Yer Bonds

I love this story about the Russian spies....
You know the deal -- the FBI arrested ten or eleven Russian nationals this week after it was determined that they'd been living in the US under false names and trying to pass themselves off as regular Americans for, like, 15 years or something. Now, it seems these folks were not actually working for, or attempting to infiltrate, THE GOVERNMENT, per se. Rather, they just tried to kind of hang around others who held influential positions in science, technology, policy, and diplomacy in order to...I dunno...see what they could gather, I guess. That's why they're charged with "conspiracy to act as an agent of a foreign government without notifying the U.S. attorney general," instead of espionage, which is much more serious.


This entire situation is fascinating to me for a variety of reasons. First of all, I love spies. Secondly, I love Russia. And thirdly, I love Anna Chapman.

(She can steal my launch codes ANY time!)

She's one of the Russian "Illegals." Anna apparently ran several businesses in New York while taking money on the side from Mother Russia to finance her "fact finding" activities. A regular jet-setter, this red-headed femme fatale meets the requirements of just about any evil Bond girl. I mean, just LOOK at her! She's like some kind of heiress-model-entrepreneur-killer-vixen.


Anna took an already-awesome story, and gave it the extra oomph that it needed to really become a sensation. Almost immediately after news broke about the spy arrests, media outlets had discovered Anna's Facebook Page, and went wild with its photo album. There, we find pictures of our favorite superspy hanging out in cities across the world, posing for seductive glamour shots, and engaging in such high-octane pastimes as helicopter flying. Va-va-VOOM!


It's too bad that Saturday Night Live is on a break right now, because I think that this whole Russian spy ring story would make for a great comedy sketch. I mean, think about it -- a bunch of Russian operatives living in the US and trying to blend in. That's hilarious!

Picture a backyard barbecue at some home in the suburbs. There's an awkward couple with stern looks on their faces making their way from person to person, kind of listening in on conversations. Perhaps the man's clothes don't quite fit, and the woman's makeup has been applied badly. They've also got noticeably THICK Russian accents.

The couple approaches a guy standing at the grill.

--RUSSIAN MAN: Hello. My name is Dimetri..I mean, David...David Stevens. I come from Kansas.
--AMERICAN MAN: OH, nice to finally meet you! You know, you and your wife moved into the neighborhood almost a month ago, and we still haven't met!
--RUSSIAN MAN: Yes, we, uh, required time to unpack. This is my wife. We call her Olga...I mean, Rebecca. Say hello to the nice American, Rebecca.
--RUSSIAN WOMAN: Greetings. I am Rebecca. I come from Kansas.
--AMERICAN MAN: Well, I'm Steve. I work at the nuclear power plant a few miles down the highway....

Both Russians suddenly look VERY interested. The woman ("Rebecca") smiles at Steve, and edges closer to him. The man ("David") darts his eyes around....

--David: You do not joke, eh? The nuclear power plant? This is very fascinating.
--Steve: Uh, sure. I do advanced reactor analysis and monitoring.
--Rebecca: In Kansas, we have many nuclear power plants. Perhaps you and I discuss...technology of plant together sometime over dinner, eh?
--Steve: Um...maybe. So, what did you two say you two do for a living?
--David: I am automobile factory manager. I produce strong American cars because I, too, am proud American.
--Rebecca: I am housewife.
--Steve: But I thought you said that you're interested in nuclear technology.
--Rececca: Of course! In Stravgorod, I was top engineer for KG--...Er, I mean, I am housewife in American town. I only like to listen to sexy engineers talk about nuclear power plants.
--David: Now I change subject. How about the local baseball team, eh? They are having wild year, are they not?


David and Rebecca are clearly getting nervous. Steve is just a little confused....

--Steve: You guys don't SOUND like you come from Kansas....
--David: Yes, we do!
--Rebecca: In Kansas, we ALL talk American like this!
--Steve: OK, OK. SO, uh...you want some hot dogs or something?
--David (grinning awkwardly): Tell us more about nuclear power plant in casual way.

Rebecca edges even closer to Steve, clearly trying to charm him. She sticks her chest out and touches his arm. She slowly unzips her purse....

--Rebecca: Yes, I would be fascinated to know ALL ABOUT power plant. How do you transport spent rods to containment facility?
--Steve: Um...you know, I really don't like to talk shop at home like this.
--Rebecca: Oh, pretty please? Tell me all about security. I find nuclear plant so SEXY....And please, speak into my purse.
--Steve: Look, I really gotta go inside, guys. It's been nice meeting you, though!
--David: We will PAY you for information!
--Rebecca: -- I make love to you!
--Steve: Uh, gotta go. Bye!

Steve runs off, and the average American couple -- David and Rebecca -- shuffle away to another awkward conversation. The end. See? That would be FUNNY!

Anyway, this is all related to the REAL purpose of today's entry: The Top Five James Bonds.


I mean the ACTORS to play Bond; not the movies themselves. See, I've been watching Bond films on a fairly regular basis for at least the past ten years now, so I've got a pretty good handle of what each actor to play Bond could bring to the table. There are multiple aspects of the Bond personality, and each person to have filled the corresponding role in major motion pictures has embodied one or another characteristic to varying degrees. Bond can be funny, sneaky, suave, sexy, mean, playful, destructive, reckless, athletic, intellectual, disobedient, dedicated....You know -- there's a lot to love in the character himself, and each actor must bring his own spin to that. So, let's take a look at who I feel has done the best job thus far.

--NUMBER FIVE: Daniel Craig.
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0185819/


Unless you count George Lazenby, I'd say Craig has been the worst Bond...although that really isn't as bad as it might sound. I mean, I like even the most recent 007 movies, but I do kinda hope that the current production hiatus ends with Craig being spun off and a new actor cast in the part. Craig just doesn't bring much to the series for me; he's too stern and closed off. Plus, I know the dude's a really good actor and could better serve mankind in another capacity, anyway.

His best Bond film: Casino Royale (2006).

--NUMBER FOUR: Roger Moore.
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000549/


Moore played Bond in more films than any other actor, so right there you know that there must have been SOMETHING about him that attracted audiences. Sure, I might find the Roger Moore period in the 007 franchise to be sort of bland, but that doesn't mean Mr. Moore deserves no credit for carrying the series over, like, two decades. He was just a little too...I dunno...goofy for me, and by the end of his run, I got the sense that Roger was phoning it in.

His best Bond movie: The Man with the Golden Gun (1974).

--NUMBER THREE: Timothy Dalton
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001096/


Without a doubt, the most underrated actor to have depicted James Bond, Timothy Dalton's 007 films are actually, in my opinion, two of the best in the entire series. While he admittedly was only around for those two pictures, I think Dalton carried the franchise quite well during a rather difficult transitional period, leaving a fully respectable mark in the 007 universe. Both of his entries are prime examples of excellent 1980s-style action, and the spin we see on the character of 007 in them is, I believe, about as dark as it can be taken without losing likability (see Daniel Craig). Too bad Dalton couldn't have played Bond in at least one more film. He ruled.

His best one: The Living Daylights (1987).

--NUMBER TWO: Sean Connery.
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000125/


Yes, I know, I KNOW! Everyone loves Sean Connery the most as Agent 007. I realize and fully understand that. I really do!

In fact, I agonized over what position on this list to award Connery. In many ways, he clearly deserves to rank as the best James Bond...and that's ALMOST where I put him. I mean, one cannot argue with Connery's portrayal -- he introduced the world to Bond, and made the series an instant cultural reference point. Connery's Bond is serious, yet amused; capable, yet impulsive. He looks great in a tuxedo, and can kick some commie butt, no question. It's just that, personally (and this is strictly about OPINIONS here), I liked one other Bond just a little bit more.

Connery's best Bond picture: Goldfinger (1964).

--NUMBER ONE: Pierce Brosnan
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000112/


What can I say? I really became a fan of the James Bond series during the Brosnan era, and have always felt that he embodies the most important aspects of 007's character with the best kind of balance. Bronson's Bond is similar Connery's Bond in that he's basically a laid-back playboy with an arsenal of highly-sharpened skills that are kept well-hidden until needed. You feel like he's enjoying himself...but not too much. The man will seduce 13 women in the course of 12 hours, but he can also be counted on to kill some terrorists if so instructed. I got that feeling from both Connery and Brosnan in the role.

The difference between Connery and Brosnan's Bonds, though, is that the latter feels like he has a little more soul. That is, you can sense that THIS Bond has a past; he's not as imperturbable as his Connery counterpart. There's a little dash of darkness in Brosnan. And the fact that the FILMS of the Brosnan period, frankly, are kind of ridiculous further convinces me that he was excellent in the role. I mean, the guy was so good that he could OVERCOME the absurdity of his movie's plots, and still be awesome. That couldn't have been easy.

Oh, and that's all not to mention the great video game franchise that began with Brosnan's Bond.

His best Bond film: Goldeneye (1995).


So there you have it. My ranking of the various Bonds. Now tell me what YOU Think. Am I wrong here? Who would you nominate to replace Daniel Craig in the next installment??

And just how friggin' LONG will we have to wait for that, anyway???

b.