What Exactly Is A Lebron, Anyway?

There's a bunch of crap all over the news and Internet today about some guy named Lebron James....
Now, let's make one thing clear: I have no idea who Lebron is, or what he does. Never heard of him. Plus, I don't care.


Of course, that's not going to stop me from weighing in on the controversy. So here's what I've been able to gather:

--Lebron James lives in Cleveland.
--He's known for belonging to an organization called "The Cavaliers," which I suspect is a biker gang.
--Lebron recently announced that he's moving to Miami.
--Everyone in Cleveland is freaking out about it.

(Holy moly -- they're rioting!)

Yes, friends -- Lebron James is so popular that everyone in Cleveland is actually ANGRY that he's decided to move away. Wow, I can't imagine what that would be like. Folks are setting fire to things and using profane language on the internet just because the dude is leaving town! Usually, I have to deal with the exact opposite kind of thing -- I've been run OUT of every town I ever lived in by mobs of folks with torches and pitchforks. What a lucky guy this Lebron character is!

But I gotta be honest (and this is the part that I'm really struggling with): how could anyone be upset with anyone else for wanting to leave OHIO for any reason at all???


I mean, c'mon. This Lebron guy is merely fleeing what could possibly be the bleakest environment on Earth -- the state of Ohio. After years of struggling to succeed, he's somehow reached a point at which it's possible for him to break out! How can you be mad about that?


Some guy named Dan Gilbert -- who I guess is the supreme leader of Cleveland and its merry band of Cavaliers -- wrote a scathing letter about this Lebron situation. He even went so far as to call Lebron "callous" and "a big stupid jerk." All because the poor guy wanted to leave Ohio!


I mean, here we have a man who has pulled himself up by his bootstraps so that he might one day pursue the same dream held dear by everyone in Ohio: TO GET OUT OF OHIO. Mr. Gilbert is obviously just jealous.


I say huzzah and kudos to Lebron James for breaking free of the nightmare that is Ohio, Cleveland, and the Midwest, in general. Lebron, you're an inspiration to all of us.


May you enjoy your time in the sunny (and admittedly humid) land of Florida! I hear they've got electricity there. And JOBS too! Just imagine what it must be like to live in a place where there are ACTUAL JOBS. Us folks in the Midwest have little recollection of what that was like, ever since the government sold us out and started allowing manufacturers to move away...but I'll bet that in FLORIDA, they've got jobs coming out the wazoo!


Lebron James, I salute you for daring to dream. You've succeeded in escaping the miserable purgatory that is Ohio...and Cleveland, in particular. You're a hero, and don't let those jealous naysayers make you feel guilty. Go forth and prosper, my friend!


Just be glad that you never had to live in Michigan.


Speaking of Hell, here's a movie about the Dark One himself.

Prince of Darkness (1987)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093777/


Netflix description:
A cylinder of mysterious, green liquid is found in an abandoned church. It may contain the ultimate evil: an ancient iniquity that longs to escape. Several physicists try to comprehend what's happening and race to save the world, even as they're being turned into zombies one by one. Director John Carpenter fills Prince of Darkness with his trademark mix of horror and humor.

Ah, John Carpenter. There was a time when putting his name on a film poster MEANT something. The man was a master or horror back in the 80s, equaled perhaps only by Wes Craven. Carpenter has been responsible for such classics as Christine, The Thing, Halloween, Starman, and They Live. He had an amazing run, really.

But like all great directors, Carpenter seems to have totally lost it somewhere along the way. It started, I think, with Memoirs of an Invisible Man...but signs of trouble were popping up as early as 1987, when Prince of Darkness was released.

The title of this one is misleading. It doesn't actually deal with the Prince of Darkness himself, per se; rather, this film is about a bunch of possessed scientists in an old church. See, it all begins when some priests call in a team of experts from universities across the United States to study a mysterious tube of green liquid that was found in the basement of a run-down house of worship. It's believed that an unspeakable evil is trapped in there, and may be close to escaping. The scientists are asked to figure out exactly what's going on.

They're all pretty ridiculous. Let's see -- we've got the mustachioed, leading man scientist...the skeptical Asian scientist...the tough guy "urban" scientist...and the two pretty lady scientists. Oh, and that's not to mention their leader, who comes across like some kind of spiritual guru, reminiscent of Mike Myers' irritating Love Guru character. Together, they've GOT to unravel the mystery of the green goo swirling around in a giant beaker down below.

Of course, the evil goo gets out, and starts possessing everyone. When that happens, the subject goes insane, cuts his own throat, and attacks the others. Pretty soon, the church is inhabited by an equal mixture of demon scientists and normal scientists. CAN the normal ones survive this night of terror and make it out of the building? WHAT is the true origin of the green substance at the root of this catastrophe?? WILL the demon spawn growing in the belly of one of the possessed scientists be born before our heroes can stop it???


The first half of Prince of Darkness would be perfect fodder for an episode of Mystery Science Theater. It's tortuously boring, and packed tight with 80s stereotypes -- right down to the cheap Casio keyboard score. Our main hero, the mustachioed gentleman, looks like some adult film reject, and it's not clear why ANYONE would be willing to follow his boss, the guru-style professor. I mean, this guy spits out more existential slogans than a first-year philosophy major who's just discovered the "ganja":

--"Take a look at your universe, class. Is it reality, or but a field of infinite POSSIBLE realities?"
--"The world is but a bowl of water, friends. As it heats up, so do we boil...."
--"All we are is dust in the wind, students. And all in all, you're just a brick in the wall..."

I hate guys like that.


Anyway, I had all but given up on Prince of Darkness by the time any action commenced, which was maybe three-quarters of the way in. In fact, I darn near didn't even notice when the film started to get half-decent. I was just kind of sitting there, silently mocking everything that took place on the screen in front of me, when I suddenly slapped myself on the forehead and yelled, "HEY!!! I'm actually a little entertained now!"

It was when the demons were finally on the loose, and our scientist heroes were all cowering in various blockaded rooms around the church. An atmosphere of Night of the Living Dead-style suspense had somehow managed to emerge, and it kept me fairly engaged for the remainder of the film. Still, those 20 minutes or so of goodness were not enough to save the experience. The whole deal wraps up with some kind of mind-bending time travel proposition. The end.

As noted, Prince of Darkness is pretty crappy. It does somewhat manage to recover later on in the game, but what it offers at that point is still too little. If you want something by John Carpenter, I suggest going with any of the pictures I listed in the first paragraph of this review. It's actually a little surprising that the same filmmaker responsible for all of those classics could have gone on to produce this one. It's a B-grade affair through and through.

2 out of 5.

b.