Mmmm, Yellow Number Five

When I was a kid, I was not allowed to drink soda (or, "pop," as us Michiganders call it)....
Some brainless child psychologist-wannabe of a teacher told my parents that caffeinated beverages would exacerbate my "hyperactive" tendencies, and therefore, I was denied the sugary goodness of Coca-Cola, Mountain Dew, and Dr. Pepper. My FRIENDS were all allowed a moderate amount of such beverages, but not I, ladies and gentlemen. Not I!!!


Now, it's my firm belief that when someone tells me I'm not allowed to do something, it has to be because that person is a lousy, stupid JERK who only wants to stand between me and enjoyment. I view almost all non-essential rules as ridiculous and insulting; you tell me I'm not supposed to do something, and I'm drawn to precisely that activity. Therefore, when Mom said "No pop for you," I assumed it was because pop somehow made life worth living. My thoughts were along the lines of, "Soda pop in all forms is delicious, exciting, and good for you. I want it constantly!"

So, of course, the second I could get away from home, I would consume as much precious sodie water as possible. Each taste was like a medicine healing the wounds in my soul. By the age of 13, I was spending most of my money of carbonated, caffeinated beverages. When the adults' eyes weren't on me, soda was the only thing I would drink. I was an addict, man!


Needless to say, my teeth had rotted clear through by the time I was 17. I remember a lengthy round of dentist visits I had to go through in which, like, 27 fillings were installed in my mouth, and several thousands of dollars were spent. At that time, I got the bright idea of switching to diet soda. See, I reasoned that since diet has no sugar, it couldn't possibly be as bad for one's teeth as the regular soft drinks. Mountain Dew had by that point become my poison of choice, so I switched to the Diet version, and got used to it within a couple of days.

Years went by, as I consumed two to three LITERS of Diet Mountain Dew each day. The stuff became a part of me. We were inseparable, old Diet Dew and Me. Yes, sir. I would take a nice two-liter bottle of Diet Dew over fine cuisine, attractive clothes, or even human companionship, if forced to make the choice....

But, once again, I was proven wrong on the whole teeth thing. Turns out diet soda is just as bad for your teeth as regular. Apparently, the acids and various cancer-causing agents in diet pop wreak a comparable amount of havoc on the human body as boat loads of sugar do. Who knew???

(He also claims that inhaling tobacco smoke 30 times a day in five minute increments will harm your lungs.)

Thousands of more dollars later, I'm left with fewer teeth that a man my age should have. Cripes. I was HOPING that all of that aspartame would give me some horrible, fast-acting and ultra-fatal kind of bladder cancer before the tooth rot really took effect, but it appears as though I was mistaken. A slight miscalculation on my part, and now the old Drewmeister has to go through a bunch of root canals and other crap to remain generally functional in polite society. I blame MY PARENTS for all of this!!!

Now, I DID try switching to coffee. I'm told that it contains caffeine and will keep a person awake; but frankly, I don't see it. Coffee does nothing for me, other than get too cold. I find it hard to believe that the stuff really has mind-altering chemicals in it at all. If only they could find a way to, say, carbonate coffee. Yeah! Then, maybe pump it full of high fructose corn syrup, various preservatives, and Yellow Number Five. Aha, THEN maybe you coffee drinkers would have something worthwhile....


Anyway, I say all of that to say this: Mello Yello is back. Yeah, the Coca-Cola Corporation's answer to Mountian Dew can once again be found on store shelves in Michigan! See, back in the day, Mello Yello was a perfectly viable alternative to the sweet nectar of the Gods that is Dew. The folks at Coca-Cola didn't really promote it, though, and instead phased the stuff out in the late 90s in favor of the ultra-cool Surge. Surge, needless to say, failed on the market, and some crap called Vault was quietly launched in its place.

Well, I guess no one cared about Vault, either, because it's now been ditched and, as stated, Mello Yello is back. I spotted some at the gas station the other day, and bought it immediately. MMM, the intense sugary, citrusy flavor is the same as it ever was. I swear, this stuff is so sweet that it actually gets you a little high if you drink enough of it. If they made a diet variety, I'd consume Mello Yello constantly (same goes for a caffeinated Seven-Up -- why don't they friggin' make any???). Plus, it always reminds me of that one song by Donovan. That's a double bonus right there!

I declare Mello Yello the Beverage of the Month. Pick some up before Coca-Cola changes its mind and pulls this drink off the market again.


Anyway, as long as I'm talking about fun stuff like tooth decay, here's a terrible, terrible horror movie.

Are You Scared? (2006)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0845955/


Netflix description:
Six teenagers find themselves imprisoned in a ramshackle factory where they're watched by a sinister, unseen psychopath and manipulated into deadly situations that exploit their deepest fears. It's all part of a reality show called "Are You Scared?" -- but the mysterious figure calling the shots harbors a dark secret for which he's seeking lethal revenge. This edgy horror film stars Alethea Kutscher, Carlee Avers and Brad Ashten.

First of all, I dislike any motion picture that has a question mark in its title. I don't want to have to change my inflection every time I tell someone about it. Know what I mean?

Secondly, I hated everything else about this one. So, you know...there's THAT, as well.

Are You Scared is about a bunch of generic college kids who are kidnapped and forced to participate in a sadistic game show that involves lots of dying. Yeah, some psycho straps the contestants into torture devices and forces them to make moral decisions on the fly or risk being decapitated, etc, etc. Usually, regardless of the decisions made by a particular subject, he or she gets killed in a horrifying way. Sound familiar?

Sigh....

I don't even feel like I have the motivation to give Are You Scared a proper review. It's just a tedious, STUPID waste of time. The only think I can say for sure about the film is that it involves a WHOLE LOT of screaming. I mean, seriously -- this one reminded me of Martyrs in that the constant screams are deafening. Just hours and hours and hours of chicks screaming their lungs out. Makes one want to turn the volume off (which really wouldn't matter, since there's very little dialogue to miss, anyway). What a hoot.

C'mon, folks. Just trust me and skip Are You Scared. It's not original; it's not interesting; the acting, sound, lighting, editing, and direction are all lousy....Just a bunch of amateurs showing off some semi-creative ways to murder people. We can all do a lot better than this tripe.

Here's to hoping that my current losing streak with movies will come to an end soon. I've got high hopes for Killing Zoe and Doctor Horrible's Sing Along Blog. For now, though, all I can do is give Are You Scared a...

1 out of 5.

b.