Don't Tase Me, Bro!

I don't like tasers....
They take all of the fun out of public mischief.


You know what I mean by "taser," don't you? I'm referring to those electronic weapons designed to incapacitate their targets without doing any long-term physical damage. Yeah, tasers. They've become pretty popular with police agencies in recent years, and I resent that.

I mean, it seems like every other day I see a story in the news about some person getting tased by the cops. Why, a man can't be drunken and belligerent anymore without some officer taking him down with an electric shock! That's not fair at all. It's as though the police have lost all sense of sportsmanship, and simply reach for their tasers whenever confronted with a challenge nowadays. Where's their professional pride??? Tasing is just plain lazy.

See, it USED TO BE that if you created a situation for the police, they'd at least have to struggle with you. Heck, if you were feeling saucy, you could even run and make the sons of guns CHASE you for a while. It was more fun back in the day; before tasers were common, there was some kind of balance between hooligan and cop. The officer's only weapons in those times were a nightstick and a gun, so he either had to beat you mercilessly, or friggin' SHOOT you to bring you under his control. Now, however, THE MAN can just passively yawn and take you down with a simple electric shock. It's become far too easy...and far too common. Plus, I frankly don't even think the cops really enjoy it, either.

(This unfortunate young man found out about tasers the hard way and instantly became an internet meme. You can tell the whole ordeal saddens the security guards, as well.)

Now, if you're reading this blog, I'd say there's a reasonable chance that you may one day get tased (hey, it happens). Since the tactic's safety hasn't really been established by any reliable authority, I thought I should take a moment to give you all FIVE helpful tips for surviving a tasing. Remember -- it could happen to YOU.

**WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE TASED**

--STEP ONE: STOP WHATEVER ELSE YOU ARE DOING.

This one's really a no-brainer. Should you be tased, either by the police or private security personnel, the first thing you'll want to do is forget about whatever got you into that mess in the first place. And that's OK. In fact, it's recommended.


Whether you're at a shopping mall, sporting event, or strip club, chances are you'll totally lose track of whatever you did to provoke the tasing once that electrified prong hits your body. Roll with that impulse. It'll properly set you up for the next step.

--STEP TWO: COLLAPSE IN AGONY.

Again, an easy and natural course of action, as the five thousand volts of electricity that's just been sent your way is likely to be extremely painful. In fact, by most accounts, it will render your legs useless. If getting tased does NOT make you want to collapse, you're probably on PCP or meth, which are two entirely different sets of problems. I frankly can't help you if either of those scenarios apply. Leave this blog and seek the assistance of your nearest substance abuse counseling center.

Anyway, for the rest of you -- try not to hit your head on anything sharp when you fall to the ground. Once there, prepare to observe the next step.

--STEP THREE: WET YOUR PANTS.

Again, this may very well come naturally.


Even if it doesn't, you should go ahead and do it, anyway. Hey, why not? Let someone else clean up the mess!

--STEP FOUR: CRY LIKE A WOMAN.

The terrible pain that the tasing has put you in may make you want to weep like the helpless, pathetic little wretch that you really are deep down inside. That's OK. If there's ever a time to cut loose with wailing, moaning, and shrieking, this is it.


No one's going to judge you, friend, so let it all come out. In fact, this may even be a good time to catch up on some crying that you should have done at an earlier date, but didn't out of some outdated sense of pride. Lose a loved one recently? Go through a tough break-up?? Forget to tape the season finale of Lost??? This is your chance to cry about all of those things and never feel ashamed. It's OK, dude -- you've just been TASED, for God's sake. Open up the floodgates.

--STEP FIVE: WAIT FOR THE PAIN TO STOP.

My handy guide for getting tased is as simple as can be, ain't it? I mean, almost every step I recommend will come natural, including this last one. Heck, there's really not a whole lot you CAN do after going through steps five through two, other than just laying there and hoping for the best.

Someone may pick you up and carry you off to a police vehicle of some sort. Or, they may just leave you there and laugh maniacally as you writhe about and weep. What happens at that point is really up to whoever did the tasing. It's out of your hands, man. Just take each moment as it comes, and keep on keepin' on.


I hope my guide will serve to make your life a little easier. Should you ever find yourself in a tasing situation, simply remember its five simple steps, and they're guaranteed to see you through. Well...unless, of course, you go into cardiac arrest, in which case I make no promises.

Anyway, here's a fun horror movie to get us all in the Halloween spirit. Enjoy moderately.

Cemetery Man (1994)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0109592/


Netflix description:
Rupert Everett stars as an oddly unflappable cemetery watchman fighting off zombies in this droll send-up of 1950s drive-in horror flicks. With the dead on the rise, Francesco Dellamorte (Everett) and his half-wit sidekick (Francois Hadji-Lazaro) must be always at the ready to crack the corpses' skulls and send them back under. Featuring a pack of undead Boy Scouts and a severed-head love interest, Cemetery Man provides both chills and chuckles.

Cemetery Man is one of the weirder horror flicks I have seen (and that says a lot). It's got an Evil Dead 2 sort of vibe -- black humor, almost slapstick, and VERY gory. This is one of those movies you watch when you're in the mood for something...unusual.

So, the film is about a guy named Fancesco Delamorte who battles zombies while running the cemetery in a small Italian village (the movie itself, although presented in English, is also Italian). See, here's how death works in the world of Cemetery Man: when someone dies, they rise from the grave after seven days with a hunger for human flesh, a'la the standard zombie. Once killed a second time, though, they stay dead forever. As the cemetery's keeper, it's Francesco's job to put down the walking dead and get them back in their graves for good when they make their seventh day excursions.

Sometimes, the work can be dangerous, but Francesco handles it well. He calmly blasts the heads right off of zombies while, say, enjoying a lovely pasta dinner with his friend and sidekick Gnaghi; he coolly roams aisles of headstones whistling to himself while softly waiting for the next corpse to dig its way out of the ground; he nonchalantly makes sweet, sweet love to a woman right on the grave of her recently deceased husband....

Oh, right -- that last thing gets our hero into a bit of trouble.

The plot of Cemetery Man becomes rather complicated at this point. As mentioned, Francesco hooks up with a beautiful woman. Problems arise, though, when she gets killed not long after. Now, our hero is thrown into a moral crisis, afraid to kill the zombified version of his lover. CAN he do it???


Yes, he can; but that's only the beginning of Cemetery Man. Seriously -- everything I just described takes place in the first 20 minutes, and the plot gets even more bizarre from there. I'll spare you the long-winded explanation, but will say that it's a wild ride.

It's hard to find a stranger horror flick than Cemetery Man. We've got decapitated corpse brides, a bus load of Boy Scout zombies, undead motorcyclists, conniving politicians, mentally-challenged landscapers who love dead chicks, castration complexes, and Death himself making a pretty cool cameo. A lot happens in this motion picture, folks.

And I rather liked it. Rupert Everett, as Francesco, is excellent (as always), and all sets are gorgeous and creepy. Not to mention, this film pushes along at a refreshingly brisk pace. In fact, less advanced viewers may actually miss out on some details because they're covered so quickly. Don't worry, though -- overall, the film is fairly accessible, even if bits and pieces blow right over your head.

As noted, Cemetery Man is similar to Evil Dead 2 in tone, style, and pace. It's a rare kind of horror gem, if somewhat convoluted. I'd say all fans of the genre should check it out. Casual browsers, however, may want to stay away.

3 out of 5.

b.