Know Your Beers

As previously mentioned, Halloween is upon us....
With that in mind, I thought I'd take a few minutes to get everyone up to speed on the all-important topic of beer.


Yes, beer -- it's the beverage you'll be drinking in large quantities on Halloween. There are several varieties, and it's time for us to sort them out.

Beer is pure and beer is good; beer is the nectar of the gods which sustains us all through trying times. Beer is your friend. Let's take a closer look, starting with the beers I understand the least.

This is the top tier of beers. The average drinker should have only occasional experience with this side of the spectrum. If you consume anything in this category more than once a month, you're what's known as a "beer snob." Also, you're rich.

--BEERS WITH FUNNY-SOUNDING GERMAN NAMES--

A beer with a name like Herfenglerger's Special Ale or Yakensniffer's Dark falls into the high-end tier. I admittedly have little to no real experience with them, but do know from sneaking sips out of the cups of distracted friends that such beers are pretty strong. They tend to be darker and thicker than the more pedestrian beers we'll be reviewing later. Recommended only for special events, like Christmas gatherings or basement christenings. Don't drink too much of this stuff, though, as something tells me it'll leave you with a pretty nasty hangover.

Who drinks beers with funny-sounding names?
Beer snobs, of course.

--LOCAL BREWS--

It's important to support local industry, so the beers in this subcategory, although expensive, are A-OK in my book. Your best bet for finding such beers is to go to a fancier liquor store in your town and simply ask. A good clerk ought to be able to point you towards some fine local brews. An excellent beer from my region is Bell's Oberon, made in the nearby city of Kalamazoo. It's highly recommended.

Who drinks local brews?
Guys who want to support area companies; folks hanging out in high-end bars.


--BEERS WITH WEIRD, NON-BEER FLAVORS--

Foo-foo beers, as I call them. These are expensive, weird beers that have flavors in them, like cranberry or cherry or blackberry or peanut butter. Actually, the oddly flavored beers can be a little fun on rare occasions (like once a year), but they should generally be avoided. The best kind? Pumpkin-flavored beer, of course!

Who drinks flavored beers?
People who belong to a Beer or the Month club; holiday revelers.

--OTHER UNUSUAL IMPORTS--

Anything that costs more than eight dollars for a six-pack and comes from a country other than the United States or Canada (I don't consider Canadian beers to be true imports). You might find some good brews in this subcategory, but really, why spend the money? An interesting one is Sapporo, which hails from the exotic land of Japan. It comes in big cans that weigh, like, four pounds each and are apparently made out of titanium. Blue Moon also dwells in this subcategory. Drink only when you're trying to impress someone.

Who drinks unusual imports?
Curious types who get overwhelmed when browsing at a liquor store; golfers.

(In an emergency, a can of Sapporo can be used as a weapon.)

--COMMON IMPORTS--

This is a low-end of the high-end tier. Most of us at least have basic experience with the more commonly-available imports. In this subcategory we find the Heinekens, the Guinnesses, the Coronas, etc. All pretty good beers if you want to spend a little more than is necessary. Heineken is great for making a classy impression; Corona is fine-tasting, but also likely to cause headaches (I've been told that it has formaldehyde in it), and there are a few German beers in this subcategory that are my favorites. Of course I'm referring to Beck's and Saint Pauli Girl. They both come in green bottles, and although slightly skunky, are very good beers. Since they taste basically the same, I give the edge to Saint Pauli Girl because it has a picture of a serving wench with big cleavage on its label.

Who drinks common imports?
More golfers; celebrities; Parrot Heads; ladies men.



The biggest category of beers I'll be discussing today. Everyone in the USA is familiar with most of the entries in this category to one degree or another. Beer snobs will make a big show of shunning such offerings, but those of us in the know understand that these entries are the best beers available. They cost little, and go down smooth. This is true America.

--Budweiser--

The standard. You can find Budweiser and its little brother, Bud Lite, just about anywhere. If in doubt, just serve Bud, and anyone who complains is simply being a jerk.

Bud Lite is more commonly-accepted than straight up Budweiser, and that's what I recommend going with if you're ever throwing a party and don't want to listen to everyone commenting on the beer all night. It tastes great, has few side effects, and comes in a slick-looking blue can.

Who drinks Bud?
Everyone.

--Miller--

Used when no Budweiser is available. Miller is similar to the King of Beers mentioned above, but maintains a slightly more sophisticated reputation. It might have something to do with Budweiser's less dignified TV commercials.

Miller comes in lite form, and also has several variants beyond that, such as Miller High Life and an ultra low-calorie version, which is only for complete pansies. Serving any type of Miller at your social function is unlikely to generate any complaints, although most of your guests will secretly be wishing you'd gone with Budweiser.

Who drinks Miller?
Budweiser drinkers who want to be different.


--Michelob--

Stronger, crisper, and of a higher quality than Budweiser, Michelob is the beer I'd be drinking all of the time if I actually made decent money. It comes in the standard varieties -- regular and light -- and also has a new Ultra version. Michelob Ultra, believe it or not, has the same alcohol content as Bud Lite, and is surprisingly good. This just goes to show that the ULTRA weak form of Michelob is still on par with the most popular form of the King of Beers. Impressive.

Who drinks Michelob?
Budweiser drinkers who are in the mood to splurge just a little.

--Labatt's--

The first Canadian beer to appear in today's rundown, Labatt's is a fine choice. Similar to Miller in taste, but in a cooler-looking package, Labatt's has a slightly exotic atmosphere about it. Serve Labatt's at your party, and folks will feel special, but not be sure why. Buy the Ice version, and your guests will get drunk faster.

Who drinks Labatt's?
Wannabe Canadians; anyone who likes the color blue; folks who like belching the word "Labatt's."

--Coors--

Hailing from the lovely state of Colorado, Coors beer is for the real woman who wants to be the real man. It's got a picture of the Rocky Mountains on it, so you can feel rustic while drinking this beer and not have to stoop to the level of Busch.

The inside of a Coors Lite can is painted blue, and the company claims this makes it more easily chillable. Yes, they actually try to tell us that a blue can is technologically advanced.

As for the taste? Meh. It tastes like sour Miller.

Who drinks Coors?
Those who like silver; lesbians; lesbians trapped in a man's body; mountaineers who love lesbians.


--Molsen--

See Labatt's.

Who drinks Molsen?
Hockey players; those who enjoy looking at maple leaves.

--Sam Adams--

A middle of the road beer masquerading as a high-end beer, Sam Adams appeals to our sense of patriotism by having a colonial dude as its mascot. It's thick and strong.

Who drinks Sam Adams?
AMERICANS, that's who!

--Rolling Rock--

An excellent beer that unfortunately does not come in cans, Rolling Rock is an exotic choice for any party setting. It's a little weak, but that's OK, since the weakness just means you can drink even more of it. The problem, of course, is price here. If you're as broke as me, you can only dream of consuming Rolling Rock on a regular basis. I personally like to pick it up only on special days when I'm feeling saucy.

My recommendation -- serve only Rolling Rock and Labatt's at your party.

Who drinks Rolling Rock?
New Englanders; women; folks of good taste; The Angry Video Game Nerd.

(See? His staple beverage.)

We're getting into really cheap territory here. These are the beers that are slightly embarrassing to purchase, but still maintain a modicum of quality. Buy these for long camping trips, but try not to serve them to guests, as being offered any of these beers could be considered an insult.

--Busch--

Ah, Busch. It's a real MAN'S beer, and it frankly ain't so bad. I feel a bit sorry for Busch, getting such a low-brow reputation. The stuff really isn't all that different from the beers included in Category Two, but is sold at a substantially lower price. It's not ultra weak, but it's not strong, either.

The sad truth is that you can usually find Busch in my refrigerator.

Who drinks Busch?
Fishermen; people who are too broke to buy Budweiser; the kinds of guys who drive conversion vans with paintings of wildlife on the side.


--Pabst Blue Ribbon--

This beer used to be the domain of war veterans over the age of 70, but seems to have found a new audience with a new class called "Hipsters." I'm not sure what these people are all about, but apparently, everyone hates them.

Whatever. Pabst is a slightly nasty brew that is best skipped unless your grandpa is visiting.

Who drinks Pabst Blue Ribbon?
Old timers who hang out at VFW halls; dirtbag hipsters.

--Old Milwaukee--

Also enjoyed almost solely by men over 60, this beer is best stored in the garage. It really doesn't taste bad, though.

Who drinks Old Milwaukee?
Old farts; those who meant to buy Milwaukee's Best and weren't paying attention.

--Stroh's--

No one has ever actually tried Stroh's beer. In fact, the same cases of it that you might see on your local beer store shelves have been there since 1952.

I speculate that it tastes like ice cream, but that is pure conjecture.

Who drinks Stroh's?
Nobody.

(This photo is also the only proof that Stroh's was ever really MADE anywhere.)

If you drink any of these beers on a regular basis, I salute you. You're a truly desperate beer consumer, clearly willing to accept just about anything as long as it's cheap enough.

--Keystone Lite--

Known for having one of the worst ad campaigns of all-time, Keystone comes in nifty, skinny cans. Although it purports to be a less bitter beer, Keystone does have a slightly thick, skunky flavor. For its ultra-low price point, it's really not THAT bad, though.

Who drinks Keystone?
People who like skinny blue cans; people who like the word, "Keystone."


--Milwaukee's Best--

Along with Natural Lite, the lowest of the low. You can't find anything lower priced than Milwaukee's Best in most stores. The only reason to drink it is to get drunk, and cheaply. Thick, and bitter in taste, this beer is almost the rock bottom.

Who drinks Milwaukee's Best?
The unemployed; the homeless; broke frat kids who haven't yet discovered Natural Lite.

--Natural Lite--

Although it has the same price point as Milwaukee's Best, Natural Lite (or, "Natty Lite") is substantially easier to swallow. This one is true "beer-flavored" water, in that it's extremely weak and only nominally beer-tasting. Purchase if you're desperate for something that is technically beer, but don't want to throw up after three cans.

Who drinks Natty Lite?
Those who have grown tired of Milwaukee's Best; college kids; me.

--Icehouse--

This one is the absolute worst. Drink a case of Icehouse, and you're bound to feel queasy every time you so much as THINK about it for the next 20 years. Skunky, smelly, bitter, sour, and foul all at once.

Who drinks Icehouse?
Anyone on a suicide mission to get extremely drunk and extremely fat for as little money as possible.


So, there you have it. Drew's guide to beer. Use it when you're trying to select which brew to purchase for your next social function.

Now here's a quick review of a film that's probably best viewed while consuming a large amount of such beverages.

Botched (2007)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0790590/


Netflix description:
Forced to make amends to his bosses for his part in a failed heist, Ritchie (Stephen Dorff) is sent to Russia to steal a priceless antique from a Moscow penthouse, where he finds himself trapped on the 13th floor with a deranged psycho and a pair of murderous twins. Winner of the New York City Horror Film Festival, this crowd-pleasing spatter fest from director Kit Ryan also stars Jaime Murray, Zak Maguire and Alan Smyth.

OK, real quick -- Botched may be the craziest, WEIRDEST movie I have ever seen. I know I say similar things about a lot of films, but this time I really mean it.

The whole affair starts out fairly ho-hum. Our hero is a mafia thief named Ritchie (Stephen Dorff) who gets involved in a botched jewel heist. His boss is pretty upset, but agrees to give him one last chance. If Ritchie can successfully steal an ancient cross from a heavily-guarded Moscow office building, he gets to live. If he fails, it's curtains for the poor dope.

SO, he heads to Russia for the big job. I don't really want to spoil this unusual movie for you, but I will say that one thing leads to another...Ritchie's robbery gets all screwed up...and next thing he knows it, he's doing battle with Ivan the Terrible.


Yeah, this one is really bizarre. In fact, it's so bizarre that you won't even notice HOW bizarre it's become until you're, like, an hour and ten minutes in. At that point, you'll slap yourself on the forehead and yell, "This is REALLY FRIGGIN' BIZARRE!"

Botched is a totally gruesome, off the wall, insane exercise in original filmmaking. I liked all characters; I laughed; I thought Stephen Dorff was awesome (as always); and I sat with my mouth hanging open throughout the final 2o minutes. Really, this picture is recommended to anyone who wants something different. However, those with weak stomachs might want to stay away.

4 out of 5.

b.