Eat Fresh

Lately, I've been kind of obsessed with Subway....
Yeah, Subway -- the submarine sandwich chain. There are over 33,000 of them around the world. That's compared to McDonalds' 31,000 locations. Yup, there are more Subways than McDonalds now.


And that's just fine with me, as I can't stand McDonalds. In fact, I hope the friendly Subway mascot you see above kicks the ever-loving snot out of that creep Ronald McDonald FOREVER. Hey, I envision a future in which the golden arches are replaced by images of both the smiling sandwich man, and Jared Fogle, dotting the landscape for as far as the eye can see.

What? You're ANNOYED by Jared? Well, I've nothing to say to you then. I think he's awesome; an inspiration to all of us.


Jared lost, like, 400 pounds simply by eating nothing but a reasonable amount of delicious and healthy Subway sandwiches. There's good stuff in them, man.

It's weird how I overlooked Subway for years and years. I see them virtually everywhere, but rarely bothered going into one until a few months ago. I dunno, I guess it's the lack of a drive-through window at Subway that always kept me at bay (I'm a typical lazy American -- I don't want to get out of the car unless I absolutely have to). However, a trip to the local Subway at the urging of my wife not too long ago seems to have gotten me hooked. I crave Subway every day now...and it's ruining me.

I mean, five dollars for a footlong sub might sound pretty cheap, but one must realize that getting one every work day will add up to, like, 25 dollars a week. If you're as broke as I am, that's a fairly large expenditure. If only there was a way I could spend less money on other stuff, and have more for Subway....


Anyway, my staple sub is the Spicy Italian, but I've been rotating around the menu lately, trying out all of my options. The new Buffalo Chicken Sub is surprisingly good, and I also recommend a simple roast beef with mixed cheese and bacon sub. But remember to say YES when the sandwich artist asks if you want it toasted.

Ah, toasting. Yeah, almost all Subway offerings are better when toasted. I remember a few years back when some jokers at a chain called Quiznos tried to cut in on Subway's action by promoting their supposedly-superior TOASTED subs. My friends at Subway shot them down on that advantage pretty friggin' quick by simply installing, you know, TOASTERS in all of their restaurants, as well. Now, I can't find a Quiznos anywhere. Suck it, Quiznos.


And then there's Jimmy John's, which seems to be more popular in my town than Subway. Seriously -- EVERYONE around here is always eating a Jimmy John's sandwich, and I don't understand why. I mean, sure -- they're OK...but one must concede that they're also kind of nasty.

Like, what's with all of the gooey crap on Jimmy John's sandwiches? Admit it -- there's always some kind of creamy, slightly-spicy goo on 'em. And how about that stringy stuff?? ALFALFA SPROUTS, you say??? There is no need to put alfalfa spouts on anything, let alone a sandwich. Trust me, it's totally uncalled for.


Admittedly, a trip to Subway can also result in the consumption of unnecessary ingredients, as well, so I can't criticize Jimmy John's TOO harshly. You ever try to get a Subway sandwich WITHOUT a ton of extra crap on it??? It's literally impossible.

There you are, in line at Subway, telling your friendly sandwich artist what to put on your meal, and there's a WHOLE TON of vegetables and other condiments spread out right there in front of you. Only the strongest of wills can resist asking for a bunch of those items to be put on their sandwich. Let's see -- they've got lettuce, tomatoes, onions, four kinds of peppers, bacon, a variety of dressings, several kinds of cheese, olives....It's a bit overwhelming.

In fact, even if you instruct the sandwich artist NOT to put a bunch of other ingredients on your order, he'll give you a hard time about it. Seriously -- try telling the sandwich guy that all you want is meat and cheese on bread. He'll get a confused look on his face and hesitate.

--Him: "You SURE? You SURE you don't want any vegetables???"
--You: "No, thanks. Just the ham and cheese on wheat."
--Him:"But...we've got lettuce and tomatoes."
--You: "No, thank you."
--Him: Pausing. "Uh....Are you sure you wouldn't like some...olives or cucumbers?"
--You: "Nope."
--Him: "You mean, 'Nope,' as in...you're NOT sure that you DON'T want any olives or cucumbers??? Then I'll just give you some right her--"
--You: "What? No, just..."
--Him: "Well then, I'll give you some pickles."
--You: "NO!!! Come on, man. Stop making me feel guilty. I just don't want any gull danged veggies."
--Him: "But they're FREE!"
--You: "I don't want any."


He looks hurt, then hesitates again.

--Him: "OH, what kind of dressing do you want on it?"
--You: "None."
--Him: "We've got thousand island, Italian, ranch, vinegar and oil...."
--You: "I said no dressing."
--Him: "Parmesan cheese?"
--You: "No."
--Him: "Pepper???"
--You: "I said I want nothing else. Just wrap the sandwich and let me go."
--Him: "Don't be stubborn. You're really missing out on some great stuff here."
--You: "Give. Me. My. Sandwich."
--Him: "You want this as a meal?"
--You: "NO. And I don't want salt, either."
--Him: "Fine....Friggin' weirdo."


So, yeah -- apart from the fact that I walk away from each visit with a grocery cart's worth of vegetables that I would never normally put on a sandwich, I'd say Subway is the greatest fast food joint around. A fella could survive off its menu for years and never get bored. Heck, I think I like it even more than Arby's (and that says a lot).

So, here's to Subway. I declare everything from that fine establishment to be the Snack of the Month!


And as long as I'm talking good food, here's a movie about zombies. In this one, they're from SPACE!

Lifeforce (1985)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0089489/


IMDB description (cuz Netflix is down right now):
A space shuttle mission investigating Halley's Comet brings back a malevolent race of space vampires who transform most of London's population into zombies. The only survivor of the expedition and British authorities attempt to capture a mysterious but beautiful alien woman who appears responsible.

Lifeforce is a wild 1980s-style action-horror-sci-fi sort of deal. It's about the chaos that ensues when an alien vampire zombie hitches a ride to Earth on a British spacecraft.

See, a group of astronauts finds her asleep in a glass tube while investigating some comet. They're pretty confused by the discovery, as this alien looks just like a human. In fact, she looks like an absolutely beautiful -- nay perfect -- example of a human. She's friggin' irresistible, just lying there all naked...and the men simply cannot stop themselves from taking her back to their ship. Bad move.

The alien drains almost every one of the astronauts of their "lifeforce," leaving behind a bunch of shriveled, ashy corpses. The lone man to resist decides to set fire to the ship, rather than risk letting the creature make it to Earth. However, his plan fails and when the ship lands near London, the naked vampire zombie lady is the only thing on board that is still alive. She kills a few military guard types, and then takes to the streets on a killing rampage. It's now up to a group of heroic British scientists and military officers to track her down. CAN they stop Space Girl from killing long enough to prevent her mother ship from reaching Earth and wiping out all of mankind???


Lifeforce isn't quite as hilariously cheap as I'd been expecting. I mean, SPACE ZOMBIES??? --That concept alone had me counting on this one to be as cheesy as anything the 80s could've possibly mustered. Everything about this picture, on the surface, is typical of the horrible Cannon films that many of us grew up with. I thought Lifeforce was going to be incredibly stupid.

Surprisingly, it wasn't. I mean, sure -- the premise remains amusing, but the presentation here is of a higher quality than anyone could have anticipated, and by the end of the film, I was actually kind of enjoying myself.

Space Girl is the best thing about this whole deal. Seriously -- she's friggin' beautiful. The producers hit a real home run when they cast French model Mathilda May as our almost-perpetually nude antagonist. I've yet to run into anyone who thinks Space Girl is not perfection incarnate in this film, and frankly can't blame her victims for being so easily duped into giving their very souls to her. This character alone is reason to give Lifeforce a special place in your heart.


And our heroes? They're actually kind of cool, too. Hey, who doesn't root for a bunch of bearded British scientists? Everyone knows that they're the most respectable kind!

The special effects here are about as good as they could have been for the era. Sure, latex is applied liberally; but in some ways, that's how I like my horror flicks. CG takes all of the fun out of movies like this, don't you think? I prefer to be conscious of the special effects that I'm seeing so that I might appreciate them more, and Lifeforce is an example of a film that meets this need. Considering some of the grandiose concepts that this picture had to depict, I'd say I'm actually somewhat impressed by how good it all looks.

As the film wrapped up, and all heck broke loose across England, I silently grinned. In spite of myself, I decided that I kind of liked Lifeforce. It's got audacity -- a quality that's admirable in any science fiction-horror film. If you're gonna get wild, you might as well go totally nuts...and that's just what this film does. Check it out.

3 out of 5.

b.