Funky Swedish

It's recently come to my attention that there's a remote and exotic paradise over in northern Europe called "Sweden"....
Few outsiders understand this strange place, as it's virtually impossible for a non-native to enter. Like the noble people of Iceland, the Swedes don't trust foreign influences, and will guard their utopia until the bitter end. THESE PEOPLE DO NO MESS AROUND. Visiting Sweden requires a great deal of time, money, influence, and documentation. And once you get in, the Swedes closely monitor your every move. Screw up, and they'll turn on you.


Now, all of this might be making Sweden seem like a BAD place; but I assure you, it is quite the opposite. See, unlike such reclusive states as North Korea or, say, Turkmenistan, Sweden is kept off limits to foreigners not because it has something to hide, but because its inhabitants don't want their carefully-developed wonderland to be corrupted. See, Sweden is so nice that a bunch of dumb American tourists would only screw things up there. We have no business contaminating beautiful Sweden and its generally-superior residents with our Big Macs, fanny packs, therapeutic shoes, and disposable cameras!


Even though science understands little about the land of Sweden, I have been able to accumulate enough fragmented research to draw a few conclusions. Here's what we do know:

--Sweden is highly advanced, both technologically and culturally.
--No one is poor in Sweden.
--No one has to work in Sweden, and yet everyone has a job.
--Everything in Sweden is clean.
--There are no ugly people in Sweden.
--They've never even heard of obesity.
--The Swedes have complete political freedom, yet choose to maintain a monarchy.
--There's a really hot princess over there called Madeleine.
--She's probably the reason why the monarchy is maintained.


Bottom line is that Sweden is a ideal paradise with no human suffering of any kind, ever. The air and water are pure; the land is fertile; the food is good; and all pleasant dreams come true. Even the dangerous elements of Swedish society are charming. I mean, check out Sweden's most notorious criminal gang -- the Black Cobras. They made headlines over there recently for their worst offense yet: stealing a bunch of snack cakes. What an awesome street gang!

(The Black Cobras. I'm serious -- don't mess with these guys.)

Sure, the Swedes are about as crazy as the Japanese, but it's not like that's a bad thing. Insanity means entertainment. Not to mention, I suspect that, like the Japanese, the Swedes only SEEM crazy to the rest of the world because we lack the intelligence to really comprehend them. I mean, don't you think that some of the things we, as humans, do might seem insane to our pets? The family dog isn't going to understand many of OUR actions any better than WE are going to understand a Japanese or Swedish person's actions. It's the same principle.


Of course, the difference between Sweden and Japan is that Japan actually has some real problems, whereas Sweden has evolved into a perfect paradise. The reason, I think, is that foreigners are always messing around in Japan. Our very stench causes social discord over there, and it's a crying shame. The Swedes, on the other hand, have managed to keep the rest of the word at bay while they perfect their dominion. They distract us with the occasional pop band so we don't think anything fishy is going on over there and start sniffing around. Shrewd of you, Sweden.

(Admit it. You secretly liked this song.)

Plus, they make movies. Yup. Here's one of them...and it's awesome.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (2009)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1132620/


Netflix description:
Journalist Mikael Blomkvist (Michael Nyqvist) and rebellious computer hacker Lisbeth Salander (Noomi Rapace) team up to investigate the unsolved disappearance of wealthy Henrik Vanger's (Sven-Bertil Taube) teen niece (Ewa Fröling), only to uncover dark secrets about Vanger's powerful family. Niels Arden Oplev directs this Swedish thriller based on the first novel from Stieg Larsson's best-selling trilogy.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is a riveting suspense-mystery-thriller sort of deal that comes from Sweden. It's based off a popular novel, but since I've never read it, I can only critique the film on is own merits. Readers of the book, please keep that in mind.

It's about a reporter named Mikael who is hired by a billionaire to investigate the disappearance of his favorite niece some 40-or-so years prior. As our hero digs deeper into this mystery, he unravels the bizarre, Nazi-influenced past of his employer's family, leading to a full-blown serial killer scenario. Yowza, is there more to this movie than I'd expected!

Mikael gets help in his mission from a troubled, punkish sort of computer genius named Lisabeth. She's all messed up; a typical bad girl type. In fact, Lisabeth is on probation for some kind of arson-related crime that she committed as a child. There's even a subplot about her getting a creepy new state supervisor that leads to one of the most graphic sexual assault scenes this side of I Spit On Your Grave. I feel bad for Lisabeth, but the truth is that her whole goth tough girl thing is a little hokey. I mean, c'mon -- this sort of character has been overdone a bit, now hasn't it?


Now, I may poke fun, but there's no denying that The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is an absolutely captivating film. Cliches aside, this one had my full attention for its entire two-plus hours. Mikael and Lisabeth unravel a fascinating plot that kept me guessing (and re-guessing) all the way through. I made at least, like, four thousand predictions about what really happened to the missing girl by the time the truth was revealed. This is great drama.

The climax sequence is masterfully-played suspense that had me praying for the well-being of all characters involved...even Lisabeth who, as it turns out, gets to be the big hero. Good for her!


So, what's the only problem with The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo? Well, put simply, the final 20 minutes.

This film was a five-star affair for me right up until the tacked-on final sequence. See, Mikael and Lisabeth are more-or-less finished with all the important stuff by the two hour mark. I was READY for the film to be over at that point. Instead, a series of obvious wrapping-up-the-loose-ends bits play out. It made the whole experience feel forced; they could have ended this picture much more gracefully.

I suspect that the awkward final 20 minutes is the result of whatever happened in the film's corresponding novel. You know -- the screenwriters here couldn't resist leaving certain things out. A ton of additional information may have worked just fine in the book, but to make a smooth film adaptation, one must know what to cut. I guess they just loved the source material too much to make the necessary omissions....

But, overall, that's of little significance and I can forgive them. Folks, you've GOT to see The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. This is a true gem. Rent it. NOW.

4 out of 5.

b.