Truly Tasteful

I'm excited about Malt O Meal's new line of breakfast cereals....
I've been saying for years that humanity needs to produce something to justify its existence, and these morning treats could just be it. Yes, I think I've finally found my purpose in life: to consume large amounts of cheap breakfast cereals.


Malt O Meal cold cereal is fantastic. It's basically a bunch of really cheap rip-offs of the name brand stuff, but on some levels, it's even more tasty. You can find Malt O Meal cereals at your local Dollar Tree for the price of just (you guessed it!) one dollar per package, and the value of that deal is mind blowing. These products actually surpass their name brand equivalents in awesomeness!

The only problem I have with Malt O Meal cereals is that there aren't more varieties. As a noted breakfast cereal connoisseur, I would like to try the Malt O Meal spin on, say, Fruity Pebbles, Alpha Bits, or Apple Jacks. Sadly, however, the company has so far only been able to chemically engineer approximations of a small handful of the most well-known breakfast staples, including Golden Crisp, Lucky Charms, and Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Heavy hitters, to be sure; but I'd still like to see Malt O Meal tackle more flavors.


Anyway, as stated, these Malt O Meal cereals are actually BETTER than the bigger name brands. I like the company's version of Lucky Charms, in particular -- the oat bits are like dainty little clouds of wholesome deliciousness, and the marshmallows are noticeably softer than they are in the General Mills version. I once ate an entire package of the Malt O Meal Lucky Charms in a 20-minute time frame. I don't know what came over me, man. One minute, I was calmly snacking on some simple cereal, and the next, I was a raving lunatic. I lost all control; I just couldn't get enough of that sugar and oat goodness. I woke up the next morning in my neighbor's driveway, covered in crumbs and feeling deeply ashamed. I swore I'd never touch that stuff again, but the monkey is still on my back to this day. I can't stop myself!

So, yes -- Malt O Meal breakfast cereals are highly recommended. If you buy the name brand equivalent, you're wasting your money. I declare Malt O Meal cold cereals the Snack of the Month!


And as long as we're talking about things that are incredibly cheap, here's another film from our pals at Low Budget Pictures.

Carnage for the Destroyer (2006)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0490833/


Netflix description:
The teens of Bonejack Heights get more than they bargained for when they gather to prepare the haunted house for their upcoming Halloween celebration. Unlike past years, however, the spook show will be devoted to a famed god known as the Destroyer -- whose vengeful spirit is inadvertently awakened in the process. Meredith Host, Jen Stone and A.J. Stabone head the cast in this comic gore-fest from director Chris Seaver.

I've written multiple times before about Low Budget Pictures and Chris Seaver. To recap, there's a guy named Chris Seaver who makes the world's most shamefully bad films, and he releases them under the umbrella of a company called Low Budget Pictures. Got it?

These movies live up to their name in ways that most viewers probably couldn't even imagine. I mean, they are C-H-E-A-P. 100 percent of the films made by Chris Seaver will be hated by 90 percent of all people. Such offerings as Teenape Goes to Camp, Terror at Blood Fart Lake, and Filthy Mcnasty represent the absolute bottom of the horror-comedy barrel -- they're crappier than the very crappiest crap; they give bad a bad name; they make Troma look like Dreamworks. These motion pictures universally look and feel like they were shot in one weekend using a Flipcam shoplifted from Best Buy, and performances across the board are tooth-achingly lousy. People, I can't stress to you enough just how BAD the films of Chris Seaver always are.

So, why do I like them so much?

I dunno. I guess I'm just drawn to something that's this unabashedly silly and disgusting. It's like the 15 year-old in me gets to run free whenever I'm watching a Chris Seaver movie. I can stare in disbelief at the screen while secretly enjoying the nastiness that unfolds before me. Hey, it's not like I made these things. Blame Chris Seaver!


So, Carnage for the Destroyer takes place in the same town as all of Seaver's movies -- the suburban paradise of Bonejack Heights. This time, the usual gang of Low Budget suspects are setting up a haunted house in preparation for Halloween when they accidentally awaken an ancient demon known as the Destroyer. He goes on a rampage, murderizing several citizens, before our heroes put him down. The end. Pretty standard, and there's really no need to go into additional plot details.

But what did I think of Carnage for the Destroyer, you ask? Well...I liked it. In fact, I'd say it's the best movie ever produced by the Low Budget Pictures folk. That is, it's a solid 3 out of 5...barely.

I mean, Carnage for the Destroyer has a semi-coherent story. Plus, there's an extended nude scene, which I always support. It features my favorite Low Budget character, Teenape, having himself a fine time with a special lady friend (how Chris Seaver scraped together enough money to pay this poor women is another matter). Erm, now that I think back on it, that particular scene may actually cause some viewers to be sick. Nevermind. Forget I ever mentioned it.

(Teenape!)

Look, this film is obviously not for everyone, even though I couldn't stop smiling all the way through. It's shockingly nasty; "gross out" doesn't even begin to describe Carnage for the Destroyer. This motion picture is low-grade on every level, but also joyous in its immaturity. Only watch if you're not offended by the truly vulgar. Free spirits and the adventurous won't be able to take their eyes off the screen.

Thank goodness Carnage for the Destroyer is only 55 minutes long. Nothing like this should exceed one hour. Rent at your own risk.

3 out of 5.

b.