Ties

I've never understood neckties....
Now, I realize this revelation may be shocking to many of you, considering my reputation as a suave clothes hog. I mean, anyone who's ever known the old Drewmeister will tell you that my understanding of fashion is top notch. I am the ultimate sharp-dressed man.


But I must admit that I do not get the whole concept of neckties. In fact, they really annoy me. What's the point? Why is a man faced with so many situations in life that demand of him the wearing of a tie??? I get just so darn frustrated when someone tells me that I gotta have one.

REALLY. Why would a strip of silk that's been tied in a specific manner around a bloke's neck be, in any way, an indication of his character? I don't agree with such rules being placed on us. I OBJECT to neckties on moral grounds!

Plus, I don't know how the heck to tie one.


This has led to crisis after crisis for me since the age of about 13. It all started when I had to attend my grandfather's funeral. Everyone was like, "Now Andrew, you've got to wear a TIE!" and I was all, "Fine...but you'd better tie it FOR ME!!!" Maybe that was an OK attitude to have back then, but by the time I finished college, THE MAN was periodically giving me crap about it.

Like, when I had my first post-graduation job interview, I knew I'd have to wear a silly tie. Out of principle, I refused to figure out for myself how to put the gull-danged thing on, and asked my dad to do it for me. I requested that he put the tie on himself, then loosen and remove it, while leaving the knot intact. That way, I could simply slip it over my head, and tighten. Dad did me the favor, although I've always felt a little guilty about it.


I wore that tie to the interview and landed the job. Then, I kept the Dad-tied tie as-was in a secure location for for later use. When my next job interview came up, over four years later, I wore the same exact tie. For me, it was like one of them generations-old balls of yeast that Italian families pass down for hundreds of years; at all costs, I had to preserve the tie, or risk having to beg someone else to put it on for me. And why, I ask you? WHY???

It's just so silly -- that some specific method of knotting a piece of cloth would be important to any sane person. Why can't I just tie it with a regular knot, like a piece of rope? What purpose does the correctly-tied tie serve, in logical terms?? And WHY do I still feel ashamed for not getting it???

(That's supposed to be a tie around his neck, in case you couldn't tell.)

Anyway, my tie-related troubles all came to a head on my wedding day a couple months back. It was about noon, and my long-trusted, pre-tied tie had become unstable. It simply couldn't be used on this all-important day, and a NEW tie was required. Crunch time. I HAD to get someone to tie my tie, or else people would be mad at me. My (then-) fiance was like, "We'll just ask my dad to do it for you," and I was all, "Are you crazy?!? I don't want my soon-to-be-father-in-law to know how stupid I am!!!" I knew then what I had to do: I had to find a website with instructions on how to tie a stupid tie.

And that I did. With just an hour or two to go, I got the process right after about 400 attempts. The wedding went fine, and I was a big hero. The tie maintained its structural integrity throughout the event! Yay me!!!

And in my closet the tie still hangs -- in the loosened, yet tied position, so that it may be used again when the next funeral, job interview, or Superbowl party comes along. Bonus.


Now, here's a movie about a bunch of decent, blue-collar guys who probably never need to mess around with ties. God bless them.

Session 9 (2001)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0261983/


Netflix description:
Desperate for cash, asbestos remover Gordon (Peter Mullan) claims he can clean up an abandoned psychiatric hospital in a week. But by the time Gordon discovers the truth about the asylum's gruesome past, the place may cast its curse on his entire crew. The former site of untold human misery, the decaying mental ward now works its dark magic on each member of Gordon's team. David Caruso co-stars in director Brad Anderson's psychological thriller.

Session 9 is a real diamond in the rough. It's about five guys who get a job removing asbestos from an abandoned mental home. Gordon is the leader, and Phil (David Caruso) is his right-hand man. They run a company that specializes in doing this kind of thing.

Needless to say, there's all sorts of drama going on with these dudes. As we learn, Gordon has a wife and baby, and has been experiencing some sort of trouble with them at home (the exact nature of which we get to learn later). And Phil, although seemingly nice, has some obvious issues hidden beneath the surface, as well. Throw in the other three fellas -- a greasy womanizer, a book worm, and a mulleted heavy metal dork -- and we've got ourselves the potential for some intrigue, folks.

Basically, this abandoned mental health facility is hiding some secrets...and they're in some way related to at least one of our main characters. I don't want to spoil it for you, but eventually, people start dying and answers must be sought. WHAT is the deal with this old mental home? WHICH of our heroes knows the truth about this place?? WILL they be able to remove all of the asbestos by their deadline???

(He gets cancer so you don't have to!)

I know that I really haven't explained much about the plot of Session 9, but that's because this thriller is so interesting that I don't want to ruin the dang thing for you. Here, we have a good old-fashioned supernatural drama -- it's engaging, well-written, and intriguing from start to finish. The ultra-creepy atmosphere of an abandoned crazy house, coupled with inspired story telling, held my fixed attention all the way. You know, the hallmark of any good suspense movie is its ability to keep the audience guessing, and Session 9 certainly delivered on that front with me. I had an edge-of-seat sort of experience here. Plus, it turns out that this flick was directed by Brad Anderson, whose films have always impressed me. In fact, this very blog has reviewed, like, almost all of them by now.

Look, as noted, I do not want to spoil Session 9 for you. Suffice it to say that it's well worth checking out. This here motion picture is well-made on all levels...and how often can you say that you've just watched a movie about a bunch of professional asbestos removers?

Rent it. Some of the acting may get on your nerves a little, but I think most viewers ought to enjoy this baby. Session 9 deserves more attention. It's real good!

4 out of 5.

b.