I Will Fix America

HEY!!!
I have a fool-proof plan to fix the economy. And, no -- it doesn't involve legalizing certain illicit substances (although that would probably work, too). No, I'm talking about a scheme to create millions of JOBS for hard-working folks just like you and me.

(DISCLAIMER: I have no idea what I'm talking about.)

Yeah, JOBS are what this country needs. Not robust investment; not increased home sales; not favorable interest rates....All of those things are just abstract side effects of strong employment. That's right -- this country will always be weak as long as it lacks good jobs. When people have jobs, everything else comes natural. Take, for example, the way things used to be -- back in the good old days, a fella could graduate high school and find himself a position at some factory. The money wouldn't be GREAT, but it sure as heck would keep him comfortable enough to raise a family, take a couple vacations each year, buy a new car every so often, and maybe even send one of his kids to college. A man with a family like that contributes to the economy in a substantial way. And when there are millions of folks just like him, Best Buys and JC Pennys and movie theaters and restaurants everywhere can thrive.

But here's the problem: there AREN'T millions of folks like him anymore. A disease known as Free Trade has infected the United States and eliminated all of our factories. Irresponsible corporations duped themselves into believing that the millions of people who depended on their factories for livelihood would simply be able to find jobs in the "service sector" once all manufacturing operations were moved to third world countries. It seemed like such a win-win, didn't it? "We get to shift our production to lawless countries and have slaves make stuff for us at a much cheaper cost, AND the folks back home will still be able to buy our products with incomes they earn at their new...service jobs???" said the fat cats as they rolled around in their own filth. "Brilliant!"


Of course, that model was unrealistic and unsustainable. The service jobs created to replace manufacturing positions were unreliable and without decent pay; and the technology sector, by its very nature, ultimately eliminates the need for actual human beings to run things at all. Not to mention, those who insisted that the masses could simply be trained for high-paying jobs failed to recognize one important fact of human nature: no matter what we do, about 20 or 30 percent of the population will NEVER go to college or vocational academies (heck, even I was barely able to muster the motivation to complete any form of post high-school edumacation...and I was a pampered white kid!). You can complain about it and try to ignore it all you want, but there's no escaping the reality that there are lots of folks who cannot be expected to do more than finish high school. The question, then, is this: Are we gonna say, "tough for them," OR are we gonna be MATURE about it and recognize that society will not flourish until something is found for these people to do? Like it or not, that 20 to 30 percent need well-paying jobs. Otherwise, we all suffer with an economy that is perpetually weak at its very core because it's not based on creating JOBS...or anything else, for that matter. I'm tired of seeing Chilli's restaurants and shopping malls shut down across my country. I LIKE those places, darn it!


So, again, we come to factories. I propose that lots of folks need to be employed by factories in order for the economy of this country to work. "But Drew," you say, "all of the factories are gone, and there's no convincing their owners to come back!" You're absolutely right. They ain't ever coming back. They're too busy losing money and wondering why. It's a hopeless cause.

BUT....

Suppose we just open totally NEW factories?


Imagine this: the government, instead of bailing out banks and failed states, uses its trillions of imaginary dollars to open several MASSIVE factories around the country. Each facility could employ...I dunno...300,000 people, and there would be, like, 12 of them. We'd pay the workers, say, 14 bucks an hour, and even offer them decent benefits. All you have to do is apply, and BAM -- you got yourself a job, my friend! Who cares if it's tremendously expensive and "anti-capitalist"? Abstract concepts like "socialism" mean nothing to me; such labels merely exist to provide the simple-minded with something easy to hide behind when they're confused. Let's get REAL, people -- the government should open a bunch of factories. It would save America!

But what will these huge factories MAKE, you ask??? Hmmm. That's a good question, and I thought about that for a while.

See, admittedly, there aren't many consumer items that gigantic, government-owned factories really OUGHT to be manufacturing. After all, most commonly-needed products are already produced by child laborers in Mexico and China, and we don't want to upset THOSE companies, now do we??? Plus, they already might employ some office types here in the US, and there's no need to screw things up for them by creating unfair competition. Not to mention, it would probably violate some IMF rule or some crap. No, our government factories should produce something that no one else makes. Really, they might need to focus on a product that no one else even WANTS.

And that's when it hit me: BLOCKS. Yeah, giant blocks.


Our factories will make huge blocks of wood, stone, steel, and mud. For no reason at all.

Why not? The point of the giant factories is to provide millions of employees with an income. Who cares what they make??? It might as well be something totally pointless and easy to master so that other areas of the economy are not adversely affected. SO, we just herd all of these people into our facilities and have them work eight hours a day on completely useless blocks of stuff! Maybe the blocks will be, like, two-by-two feet or something. Or perhaps they'll come in different sizes. Six by six feet? Whatever. Weighing in at 300 pounds each?? A ton??? It really doesn't matter.

And what will we do with the blocks, you ask? Simple -- we just dump them in the desert.


I mean, as has already been established, the blocks serve no purpose, anyway. Who cares what we do with them? Imagine if the entire Death Valley desert were to be turned into a giant Government Block dumping ground. Billions and billions of useless blocks dotting the landscape for as far as the eye could see. Hey, shipping companies would profit tremendously from the process of even getting the blocks out to their final resting place. Imagine all of the truckers and railroad types we'd need to dispose of the stupid blocks! We're talking THOUSANDS of them, man -- all with sweet government contracts.

And while I'm talking about the spin-off benefits of my block factory plan, just imagine the restaurants, party stores, dry cleaners, gas stations, laundromats, adult book shops, and oil change places that the economy would generate just to accommodate all of the huge block factories. The jobs would just keep coming and coming, my friends -- all because the government invested a few hundred billion in some silly factories! I estimate that my block plants would create 3.6 million jobs directly, and another 17.5 million indirectly. And don't bother checking my math, either -- I just made those numbers up.

(Perhaps our blocks might even have military uses....)

Obviously, I understand economics far better than anyone else in this country. President Obama should totally make me the federal Block Czar. I'd get those factories rolling; the unemployment rate would drop to less than three percent; the economy would flourish; and the world would cry out in envy. As Europe continued to plummet into economic chaos, its leaders might even begin to copy America's block model. Perhaps the English would produce giant disks for some reason, and dump them in the ocean; maybe Germany would make giant planks, which would then be shot into space; Greece could produce wooden poles to be buried in Antarctica....The western hemisphere would thrive once again, thanks to my brilliant plan of pointless factories!

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "How could all of these sprawling, resource-eating factories continue to function with no actual products to sell?" Well, all I can say is that those issues aren't my problem. Someone else can figure out how to continue financing the block factories. I'm an IDEA MAN, not a bean counter! Let some jerk at the Treasury Department work all of that stuff out.


And as long as we're talking about silly and implausible concepts, here's a movie about the chaos that might ensue if...the power went out.

The Trigger Effect (1996)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0117965/


Netflix description:
When a power failure sends their suburban town into chaos, Matthew (Kyle MacLachlan) and his wife (Elisabeth Shue) stoop to desperate measures to secure medication for their child. On the second day of the blackout, as the town descends into violence and looting, Matthew's rugged friend Joe (Dermot Mulroney) shows up, and tensions heighten. To escape the increasingly violent situation, the foursome hits the road ... but their troubles continue.

So, The Trigger Effect sounds a lot more interesting than it really is. This film is about a suburban couple that heads for the hills when the power goes out in their town. See, everything -- ALL ELECTRICITY -- suddenly disappears one night. BOOM -- power's out, and no one knows why.

Even the TV and radio stations go totally off the air. At first, everyone's like, "Hey, no big deal -- the power's bound to come back on in a few days, right?" Wrong. It just stays off, and nobody has any clue as to why. Kinda scary, but here's the problem: even in the event of a massive blackout, radio stations would still work. I mean, they have GENERATORS. The film lost me when our hero, Matthew, gets into his car to find nothing but static on the radio. That's ridiculous. The radio stations would still be able to function in this scenario.

Unless, of course, there was a general outage of EVERYTHING electrical because of a massive solar storm or something. But that's not the case here, as all of the cars and other battery-powered items still work. Not to mention, the hospitals still have some juice (presumably because of generators). The Trigger Effect makes no sense from the get-go. In real life, not even the worst power outages pan out quite like this one.


Anyway, Matthew and his hot wife Annie (played by the awesome Elizabeth Shue) try to sweat out the situation at home for a few days, but when someone darn near kills them during an attempted looting, they decide to hightail it to the countryside where they have a cabin or something. Along for the ride is their infinitely more capable friend Joe (Dermont Mulroney), who is this film's lone likable character.

The Trigger Effect quickly becomes an over-dramatic road picture, as our three friends run into complication after complication en route to their cabin. People get shot; everyone runs out of gas; stuff gets broken...blah blah blah blah.

This film SHOULD have been great. I mean, it delves into a very interesting topic -- what would happen to society if electricity suddenly disappeared? But it just takes the whole concept too far, especially considering that the blackout isn't even all that bad. In the end, the power comes back on, and everybody returns to normal (did I forget to say SPOILERS?). The deepest drama we get here involves some cliche crap about racism or something. Who CARES?

The Trigger Effect is indeed well-performed, and the first act is intriguing enough. Our heroes never should have set out on their journey into the desert. Had the atmosphere of tension established in the first half hour or so been maintained for the rest of the film (by, say, keeping the characters in their home), we'd have something really neat here. This movie had real POTENTIAL, darnit!!!

Sadly, the experience winds up being little more than disappointing and silly. As my wife remarked while the credits rolled, "That was lame." Yeah, you can just skip this one.

2 out of 5.

b.