Frozen Foods

So, I've been dining on a lot of Banquet brand frozen meals lately....
They're cheap, edible, and...uh...cheap. That's why I like them.

(Clearly, I am a man of fine taste.)

But I noticed something: these Banquet meals are basically all comprised of the same ingredients. I mean, on the surface, it would appear as though there are several kinds of Banquet dinners. In actuality, however, they are all simply variations of the same basic food items. The "variety" we see is a mere illusion.

Go to Walmart and examine the low-end Banquet meal section. You've got your spaghetti; you've got your breaded chicken and pasta; you've got your fish sticks and chicken nuggets. Mmm, all pretty appetizing, eh? A chap could dine in style on these offerings for months on end without getting bored of them!

Well, sure...until, that is, you actually get down to business and sample these suckers.

(Once again, I wish to discuss cuisine with my dear readers.)

Now, look -- I'm not going to sit here and complain about the quality of frozen meals that cost 97 cents each. Really, a fella is lucky to be getting something that is edible at all for such a price (heck, if these things were any cheaper, they'd have to be poisonous). It's like that joke about the dude who is suing Taco Bell for not using real beef in its tacos: "You can't whine about the contents of a meal that costs less than a dollar!"

Same principle applies to Banquet meals. I would never criticize them for the quality of their ingredients and pretend to have any moral right to do so. On the contrary, I LOVE the fine folks at Banquet for providing a sad man with no desire to cook and virtually no funds with a reliable source of semi-nourishment each night. 97 cents at the Walmart, four minutes in the microwave, and BLAM -- I'm fed. Good on ya, Banquet!


STILL, I must point out to readers a few things that I have noticed about Banquet's meals over the past couple of months. You know -- as a warning or something....

Let's look at some examples.

-- MEAL ONE: SPAGHETTI AND MEATBALLS --

OK, now this is the one Banquet dinner that might possibly come sort of close to being of an admirable quality. The pasta is rich, and the meatballs at least appear to contain a small amount of genuine beef. I can consume this particular item once or twice a week and not feel ill when thinking about it later. That's the Banquet mark of success!

Of course, it should be noted that there's no meat sauce in this spaghetti. No, it's just noodles with some kind of tomato paste and water...plus four meatballs (the number four seems to occur in several Banquet meals). Without those last items, this puppy would be pretty darn lousy.

But no matter. I like this meal. Overall, the spaghetti and meatballs dinner will fill you up, and leave you smiling, even if it's a bit bland and uninspired. Whatever. This one gets a pass.

3 out of 5.

-- MEAL TWO: SWEET & SOUR CHICKEN --

(For the record, I took all of these pictures myself.)

All right, now we're getting a bit exotic, aren't we? Yeah, the Banquet folks are dabbling in international cuisine!

Anyway, the sweet and sour chicken is not only tasty, but it's interesting in that, if one looks closely, it becomes apparent that the "chicken" part of this meal is actually just four of the standard Banquet chicken nuggets. Yeah -- they just threw some spongy chicken nuggets into a bowl with a scoop of rice, various vegetable chunks, and a bit of vaguely sweet-and-sour-like sauce.

The extremely low quality of the meat is cleverly disguised by the just-mentioned sauce, which I consider somewhat praise-worthy. All in all, the chemical contents of this meal make it bearable. Plus, it includes a generous helping of rice, so you can feel like you're consuming something healthy here!

The sweet and sour chicken is actually among my favorites.

4 out of 5.

-- MEAL THREE: CHICKEN SESAME --


Ah, yes -- in the past two months, I have found that the chicken sesame is, without a doubt, my favorite Banquet offering. Believe it or not, I look forward to getting out of work each night so I can head home and enjoy one of these babies. I've actually got to ration them to myself so I don't get burned out. I loves me that sesame chicken!

And yet, there's a curious problem here: the chicken sesame meal is, like, THE EXACT SAME THING as the sweet and sour chicken. Seriously -- I can't figure out what the difference is.

There's rice, veggies, and (you guessed it!) four standard Banquet chicken nuggets. Yes, just plain, old chicken nuggets. AGAIN. On the surface, this meal is no different from its sweet and sour cousin. So, why do I enjoy it more?

I'm not sure, but it must be in the chemical composition of the meal's sauce.

Regardless, it's worth noting -- AGAIN -- that this meal is really nothing but regulation Banquet chicken nuggets. There they go again -- recycling the same items. As noted, this is an issue that springs up repeatedly when one chooses to subsist on nothing but frozen Banquet dinners. You will see the same exact ingredients used over and over.

No matter, I still give this particular meal a...

5 out of 5.

-- MEAL FOUR: SALISBURY STEAK --


Indeed, the gold standard of all frozen dinners, it's hard to argue with Banquet's Salisbury steak. It's really just a beef-like meat patty in thick, almost plastic-tasting, gravy. Included are some mashed potatoes and a scoop of corn. Not bad, but nothing to write home about.

To be honest, I've become rather bored with the Salisbury line of products. I try to liven this meal up a little by putting Louisiana Hot Sauce and pepper on the "steak" part, as the meat really loses its luster after 30 or 40 consumptions. I'm thinking of throwing some Cajun seasoning into the mix one of these days. Hey, you never know, right? Why not go crazy???

Yeah -- the Salisbury steak is the bottom-line Banquet staple (along with maybe the barbecue pork patty and the turkey and stuffing). As my friend John often says of cheap beer, "It don't taste too special, but it'll get you to Houston!"

That could apply to the Banquet Salisbury steak meal.

3 out of 5.

-- MEAL FIVE: CHEESY SMOTHERED CHARBROILED PATTY --


All right, here's another example of Banquet recycling ingredients. See, if one were to wash off the nasty "cheese" sauce from the meat patty in this meal, he would realize that it's really just a Salisbury steak.

Uh-huh. The standard Salisbury steak turns up in various forms in a number of Banquet meals even more frequently than the chicken nuggets do. There are countless varieties of these meals that feature the workhorse Salisbury steak patty, simply covered in some kind of sauce. A given meal's package may purport to contain a "Southwestern Grilled Meat Patty Deluxe Pasta Combo," but I know that it will really be just a Salisbury steak with some noodles and a tablespoon of cheap salsa.

In this particular, case, the technique fails miserably. To tell you the truth, I feel like I'm going to vomit when I so much as LOOK at the Cheesy Smothered Charbroiled Patty Meal. I ate two of them once, and felt ill almost immediately. That cheese sauce is an affront to all that is holy. It's like toilet water mixed with Tostitos nacho dip, run through a broken dishwasher and dumped into the glove box of a totaled 1976 Toyota Carola. Truly horrible.

Stay away from this meal.

1 out of 5.

Anyway, there's a quick sampling of some common Banquet dinners. A few are good; a few are bad. But one thing is certain: they all basically contain the same ingredients. The trick is to figure out which ones your body can tolerate, and then chow down.


Now here's a movie about a bunch of people who have probably never even HEARD of Banquet frozen dinners, much less consumed them.

Teddy Bears' Picnic (2002)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0250282/


Netflix description:
In Harry Shearer's tongue-in-cheek comedy, a waiter at Zanbesu Glen (a chi-chi Northern California resort) uses his movie camera to spy on the annual communal vacation of a group of rich, white U.S. government and business leaders who drink and carouse to excess while plotting their next move on the global stage. His goal? To sell the embarrassing and incriminating footage to the media and expose the "leaders" for what they really are.


Teddy Bears' Picnic is one of them Christopher Guest-style movies. You know the type: a "mockumentary" (fake documentary) about a bunch of absurd characters doing silly things. In this case, it's some rich guys who are hanging out at a secret resort deep in the wilderness. The place is called Zembesu Glen, and there, our wealthy heroes/villains gather to carve out the next big slice of America.

Let's see. We've got a who's-who of has-beens playing these rich dudes. Among others, you'll spot Harry Shearer, Alan Thicke (!), George Wendt, Michael McKean, Fred Willard, and David Rache. It really is a bit creepy to watch all of these formerly-great comedic performers show up in the same motion picture during their waning days. If they had thrown Martin Mull and Eugene Levy into the mix, I think my head would have exploded!

Anyway, each guy is an industrialist or politician of some power, eager to enjoy a week of debauchery and scheming with friends at "The Glen." They treasure their annual excursion to this sanctuary of upper-class excess. High-end prostitutes and lobbyists of all stripes converge on The Glen whenever the rich guys' trip is scheduled so that deals may be made to not only pleasure America's best and brightest, but also plot the ways in which the middle class will get screwed in the coming year. In short, Teddy Bears' Picnic is about a bunch of rich pantywaists taking a luxury business vacation together.


But there's a problem.

Yes. You see, a couple of waiters at The Glen's restaurant realize that their inside access to this fabled yearly gathering has provided them with an opportunity to make some waves in the media. One of these whipper snappers is actually an aspiring TV news reporter, so he shoots some hidden footage of the rich dudes plotting to make life harder on The Little Guy and further pollute the United States by deregulating the nuclear energy industry, and sends it on to a friend at the local TV station.

The media begins circling around The Glen as its wealthy inhabitants debate ways of averting a public relations disaster. The net is tightening around them; the jig is up! WILL these rich dudes find a way to distract the news media away from their shenanigans? CAN some enterprising local reporters expose these captains of industry for the slimeballs they really are?? WHY isn't this movie as good as it should have been???


Indeed, I was thoroughly disappointed by Teddy Bears' Picnic. I mean, anything that pokes fun at the corporate looters who have been so effective in dismantling everything that The Greatest Generation worked so hard to build ought to be fantastic. These kinds of people really get under my skin, and deserve to be taken apart in brilliant ways. You know who I'm talking about -- the sorts of folks who ship American jobs to third-world countries so they can reap more short-term profits for themselves while their country crumbles....I hate them.

And I'm SERIOUS here. Honestly, I'm not the sort of guy who carries too much of a chip on his shoulder. I reserve my true resentment for those who actually deserve it by harming this once-great land of ours known as the United States of America, and the corporate looters are precisely those people.

They're utterly irresponsible. They think that decimating the American economy, its middle class, and its infrastructure is somehow a GOOD thing. Why couldn't Teddy Bears' Picnic have lampooned such swine more skillfully? How could it fail to capture WHY these purveyors of Wall Street corruption are so abhorrent?? What's the PROBLEM???


In short, I think it's because this movie lacks focus. It's just a bunch of rich guys huddled in a ski lodge while news helicopters circle above them. KINDA funny at times, maybe; but not relevant. The whole motion picture plays like a half-baked farce, rather than a biting satirical commentary. I should have been way, WAY better.

Part of the problem, I think, is that this film was helmed by Harry Shearer, who is a good actor, writer, and voiceover dude, but hardly a good filmmaker. A movie like Teddy Bears' Picnic, with so much potential to say something profound, should have been in the hands of a more experienced artist, like, say, Christopher Guest himself. I bet he could have found a way to convey the intended message of this production without descending into the confused realm of aimless of absurdity.

But, no -- this one drops the ball. In the end, we really just get a whole ton of slightly-amusing characters who stand around arguing while a wild fire burns outside. It's not TERRIBLE, but it just doesn't SAY anything important.

Meh, blegh, and blah. I has a sad. I wanted Teddy Bears' Picnic to be great. Instead, it's merely OK. Don't bother with this movie. At the end of the day, it's just kind of pointless.

2 out of 5.

b.