Why I'm Skipping Black Swan

Look, I don't want to come across as TOO much of a pig here, but I gotta admit something, and I'm only gonna talk about it once....
I'm annoyed with Natalie Portman. Yes, I'm annoyed with Natalie Portman because, frankly, I think she's a straight-up tease. There. I said it.


Portman seems to have slipped into the same rhythm that almost every hot actress does: she TEASES us with promises of nudity, but never really delivers. Honestly, I am so tired of being told that some pretty female celebrity is doing a wild sex or nude scene, only have it wind up being a huge disappointment. My emotions simply can't handle being played with like that any longer, OK?


I mean, time after time, I've fallen for the hype. Some actress and her new movie will be promoted all over the entertainment media for some supposedly shocking nude scene she's PURPORTED to have done, and when I rush to the theater to check it out, the whole deal reveals itself to have been much ado about nothing. Take Jennifer Aniston, for example. I remember when she was in some movie with Vince Vaughn called The Break Up a few years back. Supposedly, Jennifer appeared "TOTALLY NUDE" in one scene, and all of the promotion for the film centered on that. Jennifer was on the E Channel, and Access Hollywood, and Jay Leno talking about how frightening and embarrassing and exhilarating it was to be on the set of a movie IN THE BUFF, and OH MY GOD, how shocked the audiences were going to be when they got to see the result! Yada yada yada!!!


"Coming up next, the STEAMY details of Jennifer Aniston's ALL NUDE scene with Vince Vaughn!" promised the chirpy Entertainment Tonight anchor.

"WOW, this is gonna be GREAT," thought I, clapping my hands and leaning forward. "Tell me more!"

What then followed would be a long interview in which Jennifer claimed over and over again to have some history-making au-natural romp on camera. She was practically promising to rock our worlds!

Then, of course, The Break Up came out, and THERE WAS NO NUDE SCENE. I mean, sure -- Jennifer may have been naked ON THE SET when they shot part of the film, but WE DON'T GET TO SEE THAT. No -- instead, we see shoulders, and thighs, and maybe a blurry behind....Not what we're really looking for.


Do you know what I'm talking about here, folks?

I'm sorry (again, I hate to be such a foul pig), but things like that happen all of the time. Whenever a movie is promoted on the basis of some wild naked scene with a good-looking actress, there is a 99 percent chance that the hype is all lies. Ms Aniston may be the worst offender, but trust me, they almost ALL do it.

And, as noted, Natalie Portman has fallen into the trap, as well. For instance, I found out today that her much-hyped "butt scene" in the upcoming Your Highness actually involved a body double. What a shocking, shameful let-down. I mean, the next thing I know it, someone's going to tell me that wasn't really Natalie in the lap dance scene from Closer (which was, incidentally, the sexiest thing ever to be put on film, in my opinion). I've just lost faith in her, and there's no getting around it.


...Which is why I'm steering clear of Black Swan. Sure, I'm willing to believe that the film is absolutely fantastic (as everything from Daron Aronofsky is); but I just don't think I'll be able to handle seeing Natalie's much-hyped "lesbian sex scene" with Mila Kunis, only to learn that it's all really just a murky, darkly-lit mish-mash of poorly-defined movement, with no mind-blowing "action." You know -- people have talked about the famous scene a whole lot, but I have yet to get a clear explanation from anyone regarding what, exactly, it SHOWS, and I consider that highly suspect.

"Is there actual nudity?" I've asked people point blank.

"Well, YEAH...I mean, kind of...." they all say.

Well, screw that. Not good enough. I'm just skipping Black Swan because I don't want to be let down. Yes, as a defensive measure, I'm preemptively declaring the Black Swan lesbian scene to be a disappointment, and leaving it at that.

I shall continue to observe this Black Swan blackout until provided with conclusive proof that it is unnecessary.

And SHAME on you, Natalie Portman, for becoming just as much of a tease as Scarlett Johansson. Both of you ladies could learn a thing or two from the likes of Halle Berry. If you don't want to do nudity, then don't mislead me into thinking otherwise; if you ARE willing to do it, then do it RIGHT (like Halle). No more LIES!


OK, now that I've totally exposed myself as a sad, lonely troll, here's a film that features...full frontal nudity (!!!) from Bryce Dallas Howard (and, surprise -- she doesn't disappoint, God bless her beautiful, generous soul).

Ahem. I know, I should be ashamed. Sorry. This won't happen again, people. Promise....

Manderlay (2005)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0342735/


Netflix description:
While driving through the Deep South with her dad (Willem Dafoe), Grace (Bryce Dallas Howard) discovers the Manderlay plantation, where slavery still exists. Set in the 1930s, the tale follows Grace's quest to free the slaves 70 years after emancipation. She succeeds with help from some criminals, but once freed, the former slaves want to return to the only way of life they've ever known. Danny Glover, Isaach De Bankolé and Lauren Bacall co-star.


All right, so Manderlay is apparently supposed to be a sequel of-sorts to the popular Lar Von Trier film, Dogville, which starred Nicole Kidman. Yes, Lars made a series of artsy flicks that delve into American history with a focus on its various social injustices, and both of these pictures are part of it. Overall, the series is decidedly ANTI-American, but it still prods one into thinking about some fairly complex issues, so I recommend each entry, anyway. You've just got to be prepared to accept that an insane Dutchman with an angry political agenda is behind what you're seeing. I can get past that, but some folks might not be able to, so...be warned....

Anyway, what is Manderlay about, you ask? Well, the film takes place sometime in the 1930s, or thereabouts. Bryce Dallas Howard (incidentally, the daughter of Ron Howard in real life) takes on Nicole Kidman's previous role as the wealthy young lass, Grace Mulligan. She's pretty darn vocal about her progressive social views, sharing them with whoever will listen as she travels through the Deep South with her gangster father, played by Willem Defoe. See, they're driving around, collecting debts from various insolvent landowners (or whatever), when they eventually come across an old cotton plantation called Manderlay. Something is a bit off about this place, and it's soon revealed that SLAVERY still exists there. Yes, the reforms brought about by the American Civil War and Reconstruction somehow never quite reached Manderlay, and the old slave-master sort of arrangement is still alive and well within its boundaries. Grace is shocked and outraged.


One thing leads to another, and Grace's father agrees to let her RUN the plantation (see, Manderlay's real owners have sort of lost it to him, due to various debts, etc). Grace has this super enlightened idea of freeing Manderlay's slaves, and putting them totally in charge of the operation. She tells them of their newfound freedom, but they just don't seem to GET IT. What does "freedom" mean, exactly, to someone who has never known such a thing?

SO, Grace has to serve as the plantation's de facto manager while attempting to "train" its former slaves in basic farming concepts so they might be able to take over themselves one day. Some of them seem eager to assume leadership of Manderlay, but others don't change. They apparently just want a strong leader to order them around. Grace doesn't get it at all, and she starts to feel frustrated.


When the social situation at Manderlay begins to deteriorate (and its inhabitants risk starvation), Grace loses her cool and orders the flogging of various ne'er do wells. She cracks down, and essentially allows mob justice to rule. Hey, look -- once the going gets tough, Grace shows herself to be no different from the plantation's previous masters. Go figure!

The whole deal finishes on a down note, as Grace retreats back into Daddy's arms, giving up on her little Manderlay experiment, and leaving the former slaves to fend for themselves. The end.


My God, this is profound stuff. I don't quite know what to conclude from it all, but Manderlay really lays out some fascinating allegories. Grace is faced with problems that run far deeper than simply telling someone that they're free to do as they choose; she's trying to apply armchair activism to a real-life situation that's rooted in centuries of social conditioning. She's no different from the average college idealist who abandons all pretenses within months of actually being forced to make it in the real, hard world. I mean, IDEAS are lovely; just try really WORKING for them, though.

And the character of Grace is deliciously intricate. I loved her cocky attitude towards the film's beginning, and even admired her desperate attempts to maintain dignity as the situation around her collapsed. The previously-mentioned full-frontal nude scene is when the last bit of hope in her really dies (at least, that's how I read into it). Grace gets to make sweet love to her favorite slave, and he totally turns the tables on her in an unexpected way. Maybe the incident taught her a lesson she needed to learn, but I still felt sorry for the poor girl. It is an awkward moment.

And what does this film say about racism? Well...I won't even go into that. You'll have to figure out what message to take away from Manderlay yourself. I lack the qualifications and/or guts.

Regardless, Manderlay is a rare gem. Shot on a bare-bones soundstage with virtually no backgrounds or props of any kind, you'll feel more like you're watching a bizarre theater experiment than a feature film at times. Yet, thanks to top-notch performances and thought-provoking writing, the whole package holds up remarkably well.

Check it out. This badboy will get you thinking, even if you're not sure what, exactly, you're thinking ABOUT.

4 out of 5.

b.