A New Superstar

In the past, I've raved about such musical talents as Jan Terri and Sondra Prill....
Supernovas of creative brilliance and grace, brought to us exclusively by the magic of Internet. These women personify the power and potential of great music, and I'm sure that all of our lives have been touched by them.

Well, folks, there's a new sensation climbing her way up the internet music ranks. However, unlike Sondra Prill, Jan Terri, or even Tay Zonday, this new phenom is attracting a great deal of mainstream attention. You may have already heard of her. Indeed, I'm talking about Rebecca Black.


Her song, Friday, has been played on Top 40 radio stations, and its video has generated over 45 million hits on YouTube this month alone (watch it HERE). Yes, the world at large is intrigued by Rebecca Black.

But why? WHY is Rebecca Black -- an ordinary 13 year-old suburban California girl with only one song under her belt -- THIS famous??? I'll tell you why: because people are JEALOUS of her, that's why.

Yeah, everyone's a hater when it comes to Rebecca. SUPPOSEDLY, she's become the biggest meme in months just because...you know..."Friday is the worst song, like, EVARZ!!1!! LoLz!!!11!!! ZOMG, ROTFL, WTF, LOLrZ!!!!1!"

ZOMG!


If one actually buys into the hype, then the above sentiment is the general cultural consensus regarding Rebecca Black. In other words, her song is SO BAD that it deserves fame and, by extension, ridicule. Friday has more "dislikes" on YouTube than any video ever; more people have taken the time to watch it and declare that it sucks than anything else EVER. Wow.

So, yeah -- if everyone agrees that something is this epically bad, then it MUST be...right???

WRONG. I disagree. I do NOT think that Friday is really all that bad of a song, and I'll state here and now that I, Andrew Green, am a member of Team Rebecca. There. I said it.

(Recognize!)

I mean, honestly -- how is Rebecca Black's Friday any worse than the rest of the pop music played on the radio these days? I see no difference between Rebecca's music and, say, Lady Gaga's. How is she any dumber than the Black Eyed Peas (compare the lyrics of Friday to I Got A Feeling)?? Is Rebecca Black's song somehow less valid than the latest singles from Katy Perry, Rhianna, or Taylor Swift???

No, it's not. In fact, I say that the only criticism of Friday that really rings true is in regards to its lyrics...but, again, they're not substantively stupider than many other hit songs (I'm looking RIGHT at you, Black Eyed Peas). Even the digital tuning of Rebecca's voice doesn't really bother me. After all, isn't that, like, the thing that all pop songs do now, anyway? So, what...everyone else can auto-tune, but not Rebecca Black???

Listen, I think that Rebecca Black seems nice, and that's enough for me to like just about anyone. Just be nice, and I am your fan.


So, WHATEVER, music snobs. You people are just JEALOUS of Rebecca Black. Yes, JEALOUS. That has to be the explanation for all the hate.

You folks are jealous because Rebecca got to make a song and a music video, while you didn't; you're jealous that her song and video actually sound kind of professional, whereas the same could never be said for anything you might produce; you're jealous because Rebecca has tons of friends, and you're a big loser who no one likes; you're jealous because Rebecca has a clear understanding of the chronological order of the days of the week, and YOU DON'T.

Admit it!


Oh, and by the way, I am fascinated by the whole story behind Rebecca Black's Friday. Get this: her parents paid two thousand dollars to a "vanity record company" to write the song, record it with her, and then shoot the video. See, a vanity record company is like a semi-professional music label that regular folks like you and I can visit, just to record a song or two and have some innocent fun. It's like those videos you can make at Universal Studios in which your image is digitally placed in a film while you act some scenes out in front of a green screen -- sorta like you get to see what you'd look like famous...but not really, and only for a laugh.

So, yeah -- Rebecca recorded Friday with a little vanity record label called ARK Music Factory just for the heck of it. Basically, her parents paid ARK the money, and the company presented Rebecca with two songs from which to choose. She picked Friday (the other one was some love ditty she didn't like), and then got to record it on ARK's professional grade studio equipment. Later, a video was shot, once again using ARK's equipment, and posted to YouTube. All part of ARK's standard services, no doubt. Who knew that someone from the TV show Tosh.0 would somehow find Rebecca's obscure production, and cause it to go viral?


Another fascinating thing for me is checking out other songs and videos that ARK has produced. They're all on YouTube, you know. Check out this one by Abby Victor. It's actually somewhat OK...kinda....

These ARK guys aren't so bad, really. And neither is Rebecca Black. If it wasn't for the fact that her parents actually had two grand to blow on a silly present for their daughter, I'd feel sorry for her.


Anyway, as long as we're talking female recording artists, here's an awful Spanish film about a rock band.

Killer Barbys Versus Dracula (2002)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0327001/


Netflix description:
Spanish director Jesus Franco spins another morbid but campy tale about Count Dracula (Enrique Sarasola) rising from the dead. What brings the Transylvanian bloodsucker back from what was supposed to be a permanent slumber? A new song by the rock band the Killer Barbys, who, while touring in Spain, encounter the undead menace and take him on in a monumental battle to the finish. Who will prevail -- the musicians or the master of the macabre?


So, Killer Barbys Versus Dracula is about a crappy alternative rock group called (you guessed it!) the Killer Barbys that goes to Transylvania for a series of shows. One thing leads to another, and soon, our rock and roll heroes are fighting off vampires.

It's funny how it all happens. See, Dracula himself actually HEARS the Killer Barbys rehearsing one day while just lying in his coffin, minding his own. Now, you'd THINK that a guy as old as Dracula wouldn't really enjoy rock music all that much, but apparently, you would be wrong. Quite the opposite, actually, as in THIS movie, Dracula friggin loves the music he hears, and leaves the comfort of his coffin to find its source.

When Dracula comes upon the actual Killer Barbys, he falls in love with the band's lead singer (she's a hottish blond chick in lingerie who moves about the stage like some kind of stripper), and immediately resolves to drink her blood. At least, I THINK that's what he resolves to do.

See, Killer Barbys Versus Dracula is such an inept mess that it's not really even clear what our characters' motivations are. I THINK Dracula is in love with the Barbys singer, but can't actually STATE that for certain; I THINK he wants to kill her, but don't REALLY KNOW that....

Anyway, the rest of the movie is basically just a series of lame musical performances by the terrible, terrible Killer Barbys. Yeah -- almost the entire picture is a bunch of lousy musical filler. Occasionally, we'll see Dracula (incidentally, the lamest, LEAST SCARY Dracula ever committed to film) half-assedly attack someone, but those scenes are few and far between, and frankly, would suck beyond words in just about any other movie. The vampire bits are only welcome HERE because they're a break from the unbearable Killer Barbys performances.


Indeed, Killer Barbys Versus Dracula is a total let down. I'd HOPED that perhaps it would at least be fun, but no -- this film is just plain boring.

I mean, there are very few things that a movie like Killer Barbys Versus Dracula could POSSIBLY have gotten right, and this one drops the ball on all of them. No nudity (even though strippers in lingerie can be seen in just about every scene); no gore (even there are multiple vampire killings); no decent jokes (even though the very concept of this movie BEGS for jokes)...It's just unbelieveable that a filmmaker could set himself down the right path on so many things, only to turn around the second anyone in his audience might conceivably begin feeling interested. Killer Barbys Versus Dracula is basically a roller coaster of disappointments and missed opportunities.

And I don't care if the Killer Barbys are a real band (as it turns out, they are), and this whole thing is supposed to be as cheap and campy as it is, either. Frankly, it just sucks...even if that's what it's TRYING to do.

It sucks at sucking.

1 out of 5.

b.