Da-Na-Na-Na-DAAA!

I've been watching a lot of classic episodes of The Twilight Zone lately....

You can see them over at the CBS website, Hulu-style, and the show never ceases to amuse me. In addition to each story's clever writing, I enjoy host Rod Serling's little monologues. The guy is the absolute picture of cool -- clear, intelligent, wise, and just the right amount of smug. I always get a kick out of his introductions. Here's Rod in one of my favorite episodes:

Each week, The Twilight Zone would present America with a fresh cautionary tale of horror and science fiction, and it was up to Mr. Serling to make sense of them all. Even if the story was truly disturbing, Rod had to maintain his detachment. And he often did it with a lit cigarette in his hand. What a rebel! They'd never allow anyone this compelling on TV nowadays (especially if he's smoking)....

I wish I had Rod Serling around to narrate my life. You know -- at various points throughout my day, all action would cease, and he'd appear out of the shadows to set the scene for all of us. Say I'm at work, and the phone rings. Everything freezes, and Rod calmly steps out from behind the door or something:

--Rod: "Take, if you will, Mr. Andrew Green. Radio news reporter. Talented? Some might say. Hard working? Usually. Loyal? Always. On this Monday afternoon, he's going about his normal routine and the phone rings. Like the rest of us, he's been trained, conditioned like a dog, to answer a ringing phone. But little does he know that, today, the call is collect, and it's coming from...The Twilight Zone." DA-NA-NA-NA DA-NA-NA-NA DA-NA-NA-NA!

I go to Burger King and order a double cheeseburger. The drive-thru girl tells me I can get the combo meal for just a few cents extra, but I decline....

--Rod: "So there you have it. A man who is hungry. A man in need of nourishment. He's offered an opportunity. An opportunity to get a little bit more, FOR a little bit more. But Mr. Green isn't interested. He's intent on getting what he'd planned, and ignores the obvious deal that's been presented to him. But will he come to regret this decision? Suppose that order of fries would have been enough to sustain his life for another day if he became trapped in his car. Suppose that large Coke could have been used to extinguish a fire. He hasn't considered these possibilities as pulls forward to the second window of...The Twilight Zone." DA-NA-NA-NA DA-NA-NA-NA DA-NA-NA-NA!

But suppose I wasn't even IN The Twilight Zone, per se. Couldn't Rod just comment on everyday activities without something supernatural going on? I'd welcome him into my routine, even if he had nothing profound to warn me about, and even if his presence creeped people out.

--Rod: "Consider a man. Andrew Green. He's getting a bowl of cereal. But does he have any milk? And is he really hungry?"
--A Friend: "Drew, this guy is really starting to bother me. I'm not sure if I even want to hang out with you anymore if he's around."
--Rod: "There stands Mr. Green's friend, Bill. He's concerned. Is it with good reason?"
--Friend: "Yes it is. Look, man. Let's get out of here, and leave this Rod Serling guy at home for tonight. I want to hang out!"
--Rod: "A man. A man who must make a decision. He's asked to make a journey. A journey that could well be our own. Should he head to the bar and leave Rod Serling behind? And if so, could he give Rod twenty bucks to order a pizza?"


Of course, there's no way I'd ditch Rod Serling. We'd be like two peas in a pod!

Anyway, here's a movie that in many ways resembles an episode of The Twilight Zone. It's from Evil Dead director, and fellow Michigan native, Sam Raimi.

Drag Me To Hell (2009)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1127180/


Netflix description:
After denying a woman the extension she needs to keep her home, loan officer Christine Brown (Alison Lohman) sees her once-promising life take a startling turn for the worse. Christine is convinced she's been cursed by a Gypsy, but her boyfriend (Justin Long) is skeptical. Her only hope seems to lie in a psychic (Dileep Rao) who claims he can help her lift the curse and keep her soul from being dragged straight to hell.

Drag Me To Hell is about a woman who works in a bank, so you know right away that it's going to be exciting. Christine, played by Alison Lohman, is aiming for a big promotion and must impress her boss, so she denies a mortgage extension to an old Gypsy woman who then puts a curse on her. Over the next few days, Christine experiences a variety of bizarre phenomenon: swarms of flies in her home, rattling dishes, visions of horrifying demons, etc.. Turns out the Gypsy condemned Christine's soul to Hell, and she begins a frantic search for a way to lift the curse. Can she solve the mystery in time???

In many ways, this film is actually rather refreshing. Drag Me To Hell is very much in the spirit of the great Evil Dead series, and it's nice to see Sam Raimi returning to his roots after years spent on such big-time productions as Spiderman. This one walks the line between slapstick comedy and gross-out horror, and virtually every scene is fast-paced. It's also a fairly simple story that keeps us guessing until the very end. On paper, Drag Me To Hell seems like it would be an instant winner. So why was I less than impressed?

Well, the fact is that this film simply lacks THE MAGIC of Raimi's Dead movies. Alison Lohman, though competent and likable enough, has nowhere near the charisma of Bruce Campbell, and throughout the film I felt as though the entire thing was going to be revealed as a hoax in the end. I mean, in Evil Dead, it's pretty clear that the demons tormenting our hero are really supposed to be there; in Drag Me To Hell, we get the impression that everything may just be in Christine's head. Additionally, while this film's plot may not be complex, it still takes us to too many places. Christine tries in vain to carry on as normal while demons increasingly haunt her, and this makes for a variety of confusing situations. Why does she still go to work when there's blood literally spewing out of her nose like it's a garden hose? To make an interesting scene, I guess...but I mean, REALLY, Mr. Raimi?

I also disliked Christine's boyfriend, played by the wooden Justin Long. Why couldn't his character have been killed in the first 20 minutes? Same goes for just about everyone else in the film, really...except maybe an Indian psychic who tries to help Christine lift the Gypsy's curse. He was a nice addition to the roster, but I suspect that I only feel that way because I like Indian accents. And the Gypsy woman? BLEGH!

Now, don't think all of this means that I DISLIKED Drag Me To Hell. On the whole, it's actually a fairly fun movie, with plenty of action and buckets of glorious latex gore. I also tip my hat to Mr. Raimi for giving this film the kind of twist ending that most modern Hollywood horror pictures lack the guts to include. Drag Me To Hell is a respectable little return-to-basics exercise on the part of Raimi, and it's worth checking out if you can accept the fact that it's not The Evil Dead. Of course, as you can see from the above review, that's not so easy to do.

3 out of 5.

b.