Infomania!

I noticed something last night while flipping through the channels....
It was about three AM, and I happened to catch bits of several infomercials. As I scanned back and forth between them, it suddenly hit me that almost all of the inventors you'll see pitching their products on infomercials look completely insane. Yeah, I know that most people could have told me this, but I'm saying that the phenomenon is more profound than one might at first assume.


See, these inventors, these passionate pitchmen with a dream -- they're more than just weird or eccentric; they're deeply disturbed. You can see it in their eyes. An insane, often creepy, drive fueled by a genuine belief in their product simply flows from them. They're desperate and intoxicated by their own genius. These are not well people.

And I'm talking about the actual INVENTORS here, not the infomercial HOSTS (possible exception for Billy Mays). They're like the modern mad scientists. Below is a sample of some infomercial idea men who I saw just LAST NIGHT. They were all on at THE SAME TIME. Look at these pics and tell me these guys don't have a mad sparkle in their eyes.


I don't get to watch TV very often (last night, I stayed at my parents' place), so I can only imagine what else I've been missing.....


YOWZA!

The scariest infomercial inventor guy that I can remember was a dude who used to pitch some kind of colon cleaning system. I swear this guy always reminded me of Satan. Seriously -- if the Dark One came to Earth in human form, he would look just like the colon cleansing guy (and possibly would have the same mission). Click the picture to visit an excellent website devoted to infomercials.

Now, I don't mean to be unfair to ALL infomercial inventors. Some of them do have pretty good products (like the George Foreman Grill); others provide a valuable public service (Girls Gone Wild); and a handful are just plain fun to watch (Nad's Hair Remover...seriously, did no one tell that woman that naming her product "NADS" was a bad move?). I'm just saying that, in general, it's probably not a good idea to take your health or financial advice from someone who can only get on TV by purchasing half-hour blocks at three in the morning. And if you're ever on the fence about something like that, just ask yourself one question: "If the guy on this infomercial wasn't actually IN IT, would he be at home right now WATCHING IT like me?" If the answer to that question is Yes, then don't trust him.

Anyway, speaking of things that will give you nightmares, here's a disturbing little horror film.

The Strangers (2008)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0482606/


Netflix description:
In this heart-pounding thriller, young suburban couple James (Scott Speedman) and Kristen (Liv Tyler) welcome the peace and quiet of a secluded family vacation home -- that is, until three masked home invaders make them realize how dangerous isolation can be. Written and directed by Bryan Bertino, the film also stars Australian supermodel Gemma Ward, Kip Weeks, Glenn Howerton and Laura Margolis.


So, some newlyweds are terrorized for an entire night by a trio of mysterious, masked psychos. The Strangers reminded me of one of those over-the-top, shock-torture movies from the 70s. You know -- when filmmakers were suddenly allowed to do whatever they wanted, some in the horror genre went overboard and produced things like Cannibal Holocaust and I Spit On Your Grave (the two most gruesome movies I have ever seen, by the way). This picture kind of walks that line, but still manages to keep the gore within a hard R-rating.

There's not much in the way of plot. Really, The Strangers is just Liv Tyler and some other dude being tortured for 90 minutes. However, the film is well-made, and the few things it has going for it are presented effectively. The first 20 minutes are truly suspenseful, as Liv is left alone in a remote honeymoon cabin and the attackers toy with her sanity. They bang randomly on the walls and rattle the doorknobs, scaring the bejesus out of her. Then hubby comes home, and the fun REALLY begins.

We don't know much about these...well, strangers. They're determined to murder Liv and her fella, but the reasons why aren't really explained. They're just there. Always there. Always a menace. Brutal scoundrels! I thought that was a refreshing approach to depicting a horror movie threat. If a film is skillfully directed, shrouding its villains in total mystery can enhance the creepiness. Steven Spielberg's Duel is another example of something like this being done right. We never find out WHO that darn truck driver is, and that just makes him scarier.

Anyway, The Strangers may be light in substance, but it is a genuinely well-crafted film. Director Bryan Bertino clearly knows how to present a simple concept in all the right ways. Get in, and get out. Yes, the movie is quite creepy, and horror fans ought to give it a rental. The general audience, however, probably won't find much to like here. I mean, it's just two people being killed for 90 minutes.

Hey, at least it's not Funny Games!

3 out of 5.

b.