KA-BLOOEE!

SCIENTIFIC FACT: THE WORLD IS GOING TO END ON DECEMBER 21st, 2012....
There's just no getting around it, folks. Advanced astrological analysis has proven beyond all reasonable doubt that on December 21st, 2012, the Sun and various planets will align in JUUUUST the right way in the center of the Milky Way galaxy to cause a super-heating of the Earth's core. This, in turn, will lead to a massive shift of the planet's continental plates -- a "breaking-up" of the Earth's crust, if you will -- and widespread, nay GLOBAL, catastrophe will be unleashed. Life will no longer be sustainable as the oceans boil and the ground breaks apart! The rivers will run red, the skies will fall, the moon shall become dark as night!! Human sacrifice...dogs and cats living together...mass hysteria!!!


And how do we know all of this? Well, an ancient civilization -- much more advanced and wise than our own -- called the Mayans predicted it. You see, the highly-precise Mayan calendar abruptly stops at December 21st, 2012, which obviously means that the world will end on that date. The Mayans were serious men of science; they knew their stuff better than our silly astronomers and physicists possibly could. The facts are all in and the conclusion is clear: In just a few short years, ALL LIFE ON EARTH SHALL CEASE!!!


As the end of days approacheth, our government has been doing all in its power to keep a lid on the horrible truth. The Illuminati, you see, doesn't want us NON-MASONS to get seats on its escape space pods. Yes, the elite are planning to abandon ship and hold out on the moon for a few years until the dust settles back down here. Of course, what those fools don't realize is that aliens will already be waiting for them on their new lunar getaway, which shall lead to the War of the Spacegods, as predicted by Nostradamus. This epic struggle shall result in the FINAL EXTINCTION OF MAN!!! REPENT, ye sinners and heathens!


I know all of this thanks the the broadcasts of one Mr. Art Bell. This lone voice of truth keeps people like me sane and well-adjusted, and his work is starting to have an effect even on Hollywood. Take, for example, the new film, 2012. It blows the lid off this whole thing. In your face, Illuminati!

2012 (2009)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1190080/


Netflix description:
When typhoons, earthquakes and other disasters suddenly threaten to destroy the world, Jackson (John Cusack), his estranged wife, Kate (Amanda Peet), and others surmise that the secret may lie in ancient Mayan prophecies that describe global calamity in the year 2012. Roland Emmerich co-writes and directs a star-studded ensemble cast that also includes Thandie Newton, Oliver Platt, Woody Harrelson, Chiwetel Ejiofor and Danny Glover.

OK, in all seriousness, 2012 is a ridiculous movie with an almost-unbearably convoluted plot. Let's just get that out of the way right now....

Early in the film, we meet Adrian, a high-ranking US government scientist who learns that the Earth's core is increasing in temperature at an alarming rate. He takes this information to the president's science advisor (or something -- it's never really stated exactly what this guy's title is), who then tells his boss. SOMETHING is going on, and the president meets with other world leaders to plan...SOMETHING.

Now we jump to Jackson, played by John Cusack. He's a limo driver who somehow lives in a rich area of Los Angeles. Seems he's also a struggling science fiction writer, and his book happens to be a favorite of Adrian's, the previously-mentioned government scientist (more on that later). Jackson is divorced, and his wife has kindly agreed to let him take their two kids on a camping trip in Yellowstone National Park. Well, it just happens that Yellowstone is the site of some of the more troubling geologic activity taking place as of late, and Adrian (the scientist) just happens to be hanging around there when Jackson and his kids show up for their weekend of camping. Jackson and Adrian just happen to meet; they bond because of Adrian's fandom of Jackson's novel; some information is divulged; and the two part ways...FOR NOW.

Not long after, Jackson just happens to meet a conspiracy blogger (played by Woody Harrelson) who just happens to have once known a scientist who just happened to be privy to secret government plans for evacuating hundreds of thousands of people when the cosmic disaster strikes on December 21st, 2012. This one scientist, you see, just happened to give Woody a map to where the escape pods are being built (in China for some reason). Now file that information away for a minute....

A few days later, all heck breaks loose. Jackson has just dropped his kids back off with their mother when massive earthquakes strike the western half of the US. The end is upon them! Jackson thinks back to everything Woody Harrelson just happened to have told him. A lightbulb goes off in his head, and he quickly packs up the kids, the ex-wife, and her new boyfriend. In a truly mind-blowing display of cutting edge CG, our heroes flee Los Angeles in Jackson's limousine, JUUUUUUST barely outrunning the clouds of debris and growing cracks in the Earth's surface.


Wouldn't you know it? It just happens that the new boyfriend of Jackson's ex-wife is a part-time pilot, and they just happen to obtain a small airplane, so they can hightail it back to Yellowstone, where Jackson just happens to find Woody Harrelson again and get a map to the launch sites of the escape pods. This, of course, is after he just happens to BARELY dodge a bunch of fireballs and climb out of a smoldering crater, RIGHT BEFORE THEY JUST HAPPEN TO TAKE OFF IN THE PLANE AS THE RUNWAY IS DESTROYED!

**Pant pant pant**....

OK, this is all too much, and I don't need to give you a play-by-play of the other two-thirds of 2012. I WILL say, however, that countless "just happens" moments keep this lumbering mess chugging along, and after a while, they're just too much to tolerate. I mean, I usually have no trouble with the suspension of disbelief, but 2012 pushes that principle to its limit. Our heroes are repeatedly just ONE STEP ahead of disaster -- they barely outrun falling buildings, fireballs from the sky, flood waters, dustclouds....Those threats have an uncanny ability to be just one or two seconds too slow to kill the Jackson clan and their pals. And how about the other ridiculous coincidences? We're to believe that a random limo driver from California has all of these connections to the small group of elites who plan to flee the Earth when Armageddon comes??? You see, it also just happens that Jackson is the personal driver for a Russian billionaire who has tickets on one of the escape "Arks" (as they're called) that world governments have secretly been building to save rich people, and that's how he helps his family survive everything. --Well, that, AND his coincidental connection to Adrian, the scientist.

Oh, and remember that presidential science advisor guy I mentioned earlier? Well, in 2012, he SOMEHOW becomes the new president when the old president decides that he wants to stay behind and "go down with the ship," as it were. How, exactly, do we make the leap from PRESIDENT to Science Advisor being the Commander in Chief of the United States? Some bureaucrat just jumps in and takes charge, huh? Not to mention, the president in this movie is played by Danny Glover, further proving that Dave Chappelle was right when he posited that Hollywood will only let a black man be in charge when the world is ending.


OK, fine -- the special effects here are indeed excellent. In fact, 2012 may feature the best CG effects of any film ever. It sent chills down my spine to see the city of Los Angeles slide straight into the Pacific Ocean (as it should), and it WAS admittedly cool to see the White House destroyed in yet another Roland Emmerich picture. I also found a few laughs, and several of the characters were likable (especially the Russian billionaire and his family). Can you necessarily blame 2012 for being an unabashedly dumb popcorn film and doing it well?

That's up to you. What I can say is that 2012 is basically a series of impossible coincidences with impressive CG to hold them all together. It has the potential to be a little fun if you pinch your nose, plug your ears, and pop a Valium first.

2 out of 5.

b.