They've Got Vitamins And Minerals And Stuff

I love breakfast cereal....
In fact, I'd go as far as to say that I'm a genuine connoisseur. I make it a point to sample each new cereal to show up on the shelves of my local Kroger, and don't discriminate based off the subject of a particular cereal's license (for example, I bought a box of High School Musical Cereal even though I have never seen the show, and delighted in a box of Disney's Princess Flakes even though I am not a six year-old girl). Heck, back when I was single and still had my own apartment, I actually decorated my kitchen with empty cereal boxes. It was great -- I kept all of the most amusing or interesting ones lined up on the upper level shelves, making the Drew Pad a far more stylish place to be than the home where I now live with my fiance (as interior decorators, women simply have no taste or imagination). I also kept anywhere from three to six boxes of cereal on the counter at all times so that they could be enjoyed at a moment's notice as convenient and nutritious snacks (I never use milk with my cereal -- too much hassle).

One recent addition to the world of breakfast cereal that I was proud to discover this week is a new variety of Cookie Crisp. Yeah, it's a more sugary Cookie Crisp WITH SPRINKLES!


They're darn tasty, and I'm glad to see General Mills doing something with the Cookie Crisp line...although I still resent the fact that the cereal does not faithfully mimic real cookies. See, when I was a boy, my mother for some reason would never let me have Cookie Crisp, so when I FINALLY got to try it as an adult, I was deeply disappointed. I mean, sure -- it's GOOD; but does it really taste anything like cookies? I think not. Imagine the disillusionment I felt upon learning that the TV commercials had been lying to me all of those years. I waited until I was, like, 17 to get my hands on Cookie Crisp, only to learn that everything I'd been told had been fiction. LIES! Deceit!! Falsehood!!! Furthermore, what is it with that WOLF on the Cookie Crisp box now? What happened to the old criminal mascot that the cereal used to have? I'd imagine he was a more effective spokesman for a food product. I mean, the guy was willing to risk prison for the sake of a breakfast cereal. What does a roving woodland creature know about good cuisine?

Anyway, I recently stumbled across a great gallery of old breakfast cereals that I thought I should tell you about. It can be found over at Retrocrush. They've got images of some real gems:

I've always thought that King Vitamin was hilarious (really, could there be a more PATHETIC monarch?), and I've never even heard of Sir Grape Fellow. How about this vintage image of Sugar Smacks? That clown is guaranteed to give you nightmares:

Going with Smacky the Frog was the right move, if you ask me. There's no need to use a Stephen King villain as a cereal pitch man.

So, check out this article at Retrocrush for an excellent walk down cereal memory lane, and some fascinating tidbits of cereal history:
http://retrocrush.com/index.php/2009/10/cartoons-and-cornflakes-cereal-box-treasure/

And here's an even bigger gallery:
http://www.retrocrush.com/archive2003/cereal/

And speaking of cereal, here's a movie about a SERIAL KILLER (haw-haw...please someone friggin' shoot me).

Splatter Disco (2007)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1086382/


Netflix description:
Kent's (Trent Haaga) Den O'Iniquity nightclub offers a place for locals to live out their fetish fantasies, but the city council wants to shut it down. When someone begins murdering club employees, Kent finds himself in more trouble than he can handle. Part love story, musical and comedy, this Richard Griffin-directed horror film features Ken Foree, Lynn Lowry, Debbie Rochon and Sarah Nicklin.

Splatter Disco is about a guy named Kent who operates a fetish-themed night club in a small town. Right off the bat, we know that he's going to run into some trouble. A hang-out for perverts in small town America? Of course that's not going to make the locals happy, and sure enough, the city council begins proceedings to close the establishment down within the film's first five minutes.

Now, keep in mind that Splatter Disco is essentially a comedy, and the bizarre fixations of the club's various patrons are intended to be FUNNY, rather than sick. Therefore, there's not much here to shock or disturb the average viewer. Let's see -- there's a guy who likes to have people step on him...a couple that dresses up in animal mascot suits...a group of ladies who enjoy wrestling in Jello (certainly nothing wrong with THAT)....In this respect, the film is far less interesting than it could have been, and I think director Richard Griffin missed an opportunity to make it stand out. What if it had been over-the-top disgusting? I mean, once you've descended into the bargain basement of low-brow comedy filmmaking, you might as well embrace your lack of taste and let loose. Griffin apparently doesn't see things that way, and tries to keep Splatter Disco fairly harmless.

Well, a series of murders starts taking place near Kent's club, and wouldn't you know it -- a member of the city council is involved. She's determined to shut the place down for some reason, and our hero must find a way to beat her. There's also a subplot about some kind of kidnapping or something. I dunno. Who cares?

Splatter Disco is like a much worse version of Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead, mixed with elements of John Waters' A Dirty Shame. It's a comedy-musical-horror spoof sort of deal with a paper-thin plot, and no charm or character to speak of. Our hero, Kent, simply isn't likable enough for us to care about whether he prevails, nor are his club's patrons. So what if they lose their hangout? These people aren't funny or lovable. Really, the guy who likes being stepped on can just go do that someplace else! Oh, and the murders are poorly handled. No gore, no technique; I wasn't scared, and I didn't laugh.

Splatter Disco tries desperately to be clever and funny, but fails woefully. Every target it goes after is missed by a mile, and viewers will be much better served by checking out the other two films cited in this review -- Poultrygeist, and A Dirty Shame. They both do everything that Splatter Disco attempts to do, but they're actually GOOD. Sure, Richard Griffin's heart may have been in the right place when he conceived of this film, but in the end, it's just pointless to watch.

1 out of 5.

b.