Action!

You've heard of Macgruber, right?

You know -- the Saturday Night Live recurring character who's like a parody of Macgyver?? The guy who blows himself up in every sketch??? Yeah, that one.

Well, they're making a movie about him, and I couldn't help but notice that it bears some striking similarities to a little film called Maximum Extreme 2 that yours truly proposed, like, a year ago. I mean, observe the synopsis for Macgruber, which I got from Kristen Wiig Daily:

"Only one American hero has earned the rank of Green Beret, Navy SEAL and Army Ranger. Just one operative has been awarded 16 purple hearts, 3 Congressional Medals of Honor and 7 presidential medals of bravery.... In the 10 years since his fiance was killed, special op MacGruber has sworn off a life of fighting crime with his bare hands. But when he learns that his country needs him to find a nuclear warhead that’s been stolen by his sworn enemy, Dieter Von Cunth (Val Kilmer), MacGruber figures he’s the only one tough enough for the job.... His crime scenes may get messy. But if you want the world saved right, you call in MacGruber."

OK, now tell me that doesn't sound quite a bit like my own film, Maximum Extreme 2, and its hero, Extreme Ops Specialist, Max Crawford. CLEARLY, Will Forte is mining my blog for material. After all, everyone knows that Hollywood's elite check this site out on a daily basis, anxious to learn what I have to say about such productions as Satanic Yuppies and Cheerleader Ninjas. Well, fine. As long as this Macgruber pic gives us some good action, I guess I'll accept that. Hey, I got no problem with contributing groundbreaking ideas to the world, even if I get no credit. Whatevs. Action is action.


I just wanted to throw this out there to make a point now. No one better accuse me of ripping off Max Crawford from Macgruber. I thought of Maximum Extreme 2 back in June. I called it! I called it!!!

And while we're on the subject of dumb action movies....

Cherry 2000 (1987)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092746/


Netflix description:
In this futuristic '80s flick, successful businessman Sam Treadwell (David Andrews), accompanied by sexy gun-for-hire E. Johnson (Melanie Griffith), travels to a post-apocalyptic wasteland on Earth. It seems that Sam's android wife, Cherry 2000, has short-circuited, and he's desperate to replace her. But as they buddy up to brave the dangers of this treacherous region, will Sam come to appreciate the real, flesh-and-blood woman at his side?

Cherry 2000 sounds like a profound concept, right? A guy's android girlfriend blows up, and in the process of trying to obtain a replacement, he decides that he'd rather have a real woman. That's deep, man. I though this film would be a real gem.

But I was wrong. Cherry 2000 is not only a let-down, but it's downright craptastic. Bad in all the worst ways, this picture squanders a sound premise pretty friggin' quick. Signs of trouble came almost immediately, but I knew for certain that I was in for a lousy ride about ten minutes in when our hero walks into a singles bar with his pals. See, this movie is supposed to take place in the year 2017, and yet everyone still listens to (and dresses like) Huey Lewis and the News. What kind of sci-fi minds were behind THAT little touch? I tell you, there are few things worse than a lazy depiction of the future....

Anyway, our main man is named Sam (David Andrews), and after some unsuccessful attempts to broker a genuine human love moment at the club, he rides off into the dangerous Forbidden Sector to find a robot graveyard where a suitable replacement for his lovebot, Cherry, might be located. The Forbidden Sector is like a wild west wasteland someplace in the desert. How it got that way isn't explained, but I assume that there must have been a nuclear war or something. The area is run by various gangs and thugs, so Sam brings along a nice cache of weapons, a Clint-Eastwood-style poncho, and plenty of cash. Soon, he hooks up with Johnson, a "tracker" played by Melanie Griffith, and she agrees to take Sam deep into the most dangerous parts of the Forbidden Sector in search of a new bot.


Along the way, a gang led by a man named Lester tries to stop the two of them, although the motivation for this isn't made clear, either. I mean, this is a wide open desert -- why is it run by thugs, and why do they care so much if someone passes through? As far as I can tell, there's nothing going on there, except murder. Is Lester just really territorial? What inspires his minions to follow him, anyway?

Well, Sam and Johnson get kidnapped; they kill some gangsters; they meet up with various offbeat blackmarket traders....Eventually, they do find a brand spankin' new Cherry bot, but at the last minute, Sam ditches it and rides off into the sunset with his new love, Johnson. The end.

OK, this all may look good ON PAPER, but Cherry 2000 is a film that fails to execute all of its good ideas properly. A major problem is Melanie Griffith, who couldn't be more unsuited to a role than she is here. This lady is cute as a lamb, with a Minnie Mouse voice and nose like a button. How are we to believe that she's a tough no-man's land tracker? She's supposed to be an action hero in this picture, but the bad-a** routine falls woefully flat. Heck, she's even worse at acting tough than Keira Knightley was in Domino!

Why Sam falls in love with her isn't clear, either. The two never really have a bonding moment, other than a few meaningful glances exchanged between cliche-ridden arguments about cars and weaponry. Johnson, frankly, isn't all that likable -- she puts on the frontier hero act on a constant basis, coming across as even more one-dimensional than Sam's Cherry robot. Now that I think about it, the only advantage Johnson really has over the bot as a lover would be the fact that she's less likely to cause electrocution during intimate moments. Of course, her hygiene probably isn't as good, and the robot is guaranteed to age better (snap!). Hmm, I guess there are things to be said for both options.....

Action sequences are poorly-executed and absurd. Our two travelers drive straight through a barricade while countless unnamed gangsters fire automatic rifles at them, and emerge without a scratch. Later, their vehicle is hoisted into the air with an industrial magnet, and the green screen techniques are painfully apparent. Johnson climbs around the outside of the car as it's hanging hundreds of feet in the air to fire off a few sniper shots at thugs in the distance, cracking one liners like James Bond, but it just doesn't work. You'll find yourself rolling your eyes and saying, "Oh, come ON..." quite a bit while watching this movie.

I cannot understand why Cherry 2000 has attracted a cult following since its release, and I gotta admit that frustrates me. Usually, I'm hip enough to get in on bad movie cults (just look at this blog, for God's sake!), and I take pride in that fact. Sadly, in this case, I think I may just have to sit the movement out. Perhaps my irony sensors are not firing properly this week, but as far as I can tell, Cherry 2000 sucks. One good thing about the experience, however, is that I've finally grasped why Orion Pictures (the studio behind Cherry 2000) went bankrupt. It all makes sense now!

1 out of 5.

b.