What If A Movie Came Out And No One Noticed?

I like to check out movies that bombed at the box office....
You know -- I'll read the latest earnings charts, and take note of major studio releases that never got past, say, number seven in the top ten. I find it interesting that a full production crew took the time to put something together, only for it to be seen by almost no one. Who are these people? Was their movie any good? Was it promoted? If so, why did it still bomb? I must seek answers to these questions.

There can be EMBARRASSING bombs -- total fiascoes -- that stun even the big-time industry observers; but there can also be bombs that float in and out of theaters barely noticed. A classic example of the former would be the legendary Ishtar, which cost 55 million in 1985 dollars, and made just a fraction of its budget back. That kind of bomb can end careers and cause studios to go belly up. While it is indeed an interesting breed of film, what really catches MY attention is the other kind of bomb -- a modest, average-budgeted movie with a seemingly decent premise, on which skilled people may even have collaborated, that still slipped in and out of the public consciousness without making the slightest ripple. Now, I realize that, in some ways, MOST pictures could be said to belong in this category, but I have my own incommunicable method for separating the wheat from the chaff and determining which ones to examine more closely, and I wish to speak of them today.

Take Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, for example. One random summer day in 2002, I found myself standing in front of the marquee at my local AMC megaplex. It was around three in the afternoon and I had several hours to kill, so I figured I'd just drop in and see any random movie being screened as a matinee. No pressure, no planning -- I just wanted to waltz in there and watch whatever was playing.

Well, on this particular day, I noticed Kung Pow, a movie I had never even heard of, listed on the marquee and, wouldn't you know it, it was the only thing scheduled to start within the next ten minutes. With no idea of what I was getting myself into, I bought a ticket and settled in for one of the weirdest (and dumbest) motion picture experiences of my life. Kung Pow, as it turned out, was actually a sort-of digital remix of an old Korean martial arts movie. Some goofball got the rights to it, shot a bunch of extra green screen footage featuring himself, and edited it into the original film. It all made for a remarkably idiotic, yet intriguing, experience, and I actually liked it. Making things even better was the fact that I had the theater all to myself -- NO ONE else was in there, so I got to put my feet up, make all sorts of noise, and switch seats a few times (I love it when that happens). I went back the next day, and once again, Kung Pow was the only movie I could conveniently see, so I checked it out a second time. Then, a third, fourth, fifth, sixth, and SEVENTH time over the next two weeks or so. I didn't get tired of the movie, and I continued to have the theater all to myself through most of my visits. To this day, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist remains a staple of my DVD collection, and I give it a whirl at least twice a year. All this in spite of the fact that, like, no one else gives a half-darn about it.


Another such movie is Nurse Betty, a truly bizarre dramatic comedy starring Renee Zellweger that I've always wished I had written myself. A movie that sneaked by just about everyone's radar, Nurse Betty features some truly outstanding performances, especially courtesy of Chris Rock and Morgan Freeman, who display remarkable chemistry. I think Nurse Betty is one of my favorite films, even though it disappeared from the box office with hardly a whimper, and I had the venue all to myself during both of my theatrical screenings.

Anyway, I recently rented a movie that, by all accounts, was a bomb of mind-boggling proportions, and I thought I ought to tell you folks about it. It's one of them fancy-shmansy computer animated deals featuring an all-star cast (sort-of) that briefly appeared in theaters last year. Delgo, as it's called, caught my eye by chance on the day it was released. I remember the scenario clearly: I was just getting ready to leave for work one morning when a blink-and-you'll-miss-it 15-second spot ran on Regis and Kelly. I saw some ho-hum animation, a quick list of some recognizable names, and then a flash of the film's title. "Opens everywhere TODAY," said the voice-over. That struck me as odd, as I had never even HEARD of this picture, and it was already opening nationwide that very day. "Why was the ad just 15 seconds? YOU'D THINK a movie studio would at least buy 30 seconds of air time to promote a film on its opening day, wouldn't you? Why have I never heard of this one when it has famous people doing the voices?" -- Such thoughts ran through my worm-infested brain as I put on my boots and slipped into my jacket. I found the whole situation very troubling.

Of course, the next day, I checked in on Delgo to see how it had performed at the box office, and BIG SURPRISE, the movie was a colossal bomb (I'm telling you -- it was that 15-second spot!). Seriously -- Delgo, in a number of ways, actually broke records for failing to make money. According to Wikipedia, the picture "is notable for producing the worst opening ever for a movie playing at over 2,000 theaters, earning $511,920 at 2,160 sites." That's abysmal. I mean, when you factor in its production cost (40 million overall) and the number of theaters in which it initially played, Delgo was a massive fiasco; a haphazardly-promoted, poorly-performing, and unfortunately-named flop in every way. I HAD TO SEE THIS MOVIE!!!

Like virtually everyone else in the world, I was unable to do so while the picture was still in theaters, but the second Delgo came to Netflix, you can bet I queued that baby. So, without further ado, let's get to the reviewin'.

Delgo (2008)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0361500/


Netflix description:
Framed for kidnapping Kyla, the princess of a hated rival race, young dreamer Delgo must both prove his innocence and persuade the two warring tribes to unite and save the princess from their common enemy. This fantastical animated adventure boasts the vocal talent of an all-star cast, including Freddie Prinze Jr., Jennifer Love Hewitt, Anne Bancroft, Val Kilmer, Eric Idle, Chris Kattan and Michael Clarke Duncan.


Before I get to anything else, allow me to say that Delgo actually has a rather fascinating production history behind it, and I can't help but feel sorry for this little picture that couldn't. I mean, a bunch of independent animators slaved over this movie FOR TEN YEARS, enlisting the aid of various celebrities, and undertaking viral marketing campaigns themselves before the effort came to any kind of fruition. That's dedication right there, and I really do hope the movie makes money on DVD. It's just too bad that it's not all that good. Oh, Delgo, how mixed my feelings about you are!

Anyway, Delgo takes place in a fantasy world populated by lizard people and half-lizard, half-fairies. These two races co-exist, albeit on shaky terms, after having once fought a turf war that we're told about in preliminary voice-overs. In an early flashback, we meet an evil fairy queen who once attempted to murderize the ruling family of the lizard people. Her name is Sedessa, and for her crimes, she's been exiled to an ogre-run wasteland someplace between Hell and Detroit. Fastforward 15 years or so, and Sedessa hatches a plot to frame the prince of the peaceful Lizard People for kidnapping the beautiful Princess Kyla, of the Fairy People. See, her whole idea is to ignite fresh hostilities between the races and somehow exploit the ensuing chaos to seize power over them all.

The cast of Delgo is like a Who's Who of has-beens. Freddy Prinze Junior voices the title character, our afore-mentioned Lizard Prince. He must expose the evil Sedessa's plot and prevent war from breaking out between these rival cultures. The kidnapped Princess Kyla is played by Jennifer Love Hewitt, and her mission is to...uh, not get killed, I guess. The cast also includes Anne Bancroft, Val Kilmer, Kelly Ripa, and Mr. Burt Reynolds. They're competent enough, but I failed to particularly sympathize with any of Delgo's characters, and I blame the voice actors. C'mon, give us some more EMOTION, Burt!

Put diplomatically, Delgo does not feature Pixar-quality animation; put bluntly, most of it looks like cut scenes from a Gamecube-era video game (although, admittedly, a higher-quality one). Character models lack detail, and I was disappointed by the film's fantasy environments. I fired this disk up expecting magnificent castles with colorful, lush vistas, and what I got instead were bland deserts and hum-drum dungeons. I mean, if anything, a CGI movie should be beautiful! Delgo is a let-down in that department.

Is the plot interesting? Well, sort of. Much of this film's story centers around the political scheming of Sedessa and various rival aristocrats. It's all simplified to be understandable to the younger target audience, but having no children, I can't really say if Delgo would engage that demographic as much as, say, Wall E. I do know that, FOR ME, it was reasonably watchable (then again, my favorite Star Wars moments are the bits centered around the Galactic Republic). A love story which unfolds between Delgo the character and Princess Kyla is strictly obligatory, and although Chris Kattan's efforts to provide comic relief as our hero's jittery sidekick end up being somewhat annoying, he's at least a diversion. Basically, this film will hold your attention JUUUST well enough to keep you watching.

So, why do I recommend Delgo? Well, as indicated above, I root for production teams like the one behind this picture. When a group of dedicated underdogs put their time into something and have a coherent product to show for it, I'm glad for them. Delgo isn't impressive when compared to the likes of The Incredibles and Toy Story, but it is a charming enough movie with a lot of soul. I advise you to give it a rental...for the LITTLE GUY!

3 out of 5.

b.