Bad Squared

So, my dad's memorial service is this Saturday, and things are sort of settling....
It may be strange, but I think the best way for me to cope with anything is to keep moving forward, which is why I've returned with a new movie-related entry. I drank eleven beers the night Dad died; woke up feeling as though a pool cue had been driven into my frontal lobe; moped for a week; and then started watching lousy DVDs again. That's how I roll, and today's topic is the relationship between video games and Hollywood.

Now, it's no secret that films based off video games are usually quite bad. Although it might seem like the two should work well together, test cases have demonstrated several times in recent years that games and film simply do not mix. The problem, I think, is that in order for a video game to be even remotely interesting, it must be based on a premise that falls well within the realm of fantasy. You know -- you can't expect people to play a video game dealing with some mundane, every-day crap (just forget The Sims) that could be easily depicted by actors in a dramatic medium; you've got to do stuff in a game that wouldn't even be possible in the real world.

(Obviously, this principle works the other way around, as well.)

Think Zelda, Halo, Final Fantasy -- they're all way OUT THERE in terms of premise, and it would be hard to turn those properties into decent movies without massive budgets and James Cameron-caliber writers and directors. In the mainstream consciousness, video games still aren't taken seriously as an art form, so convincing any quality Hollywood high-roller to invest that much time and money into a GAME-based film would be difficult at best. If Mr. Cameron is going to devote ten years and 300 million dollars to a new production, it's gonna be all HIS idea, and not some adaptation of a toy made up by a Japanese stranger.

SO, what we get instead are lower-budget, poorly-written movie versions of video games...and they all suck. MY first experience with this concept came around the age of 13 with the Super Mario Brothers Movie. Mario had been my hero since early childhood, and the release of his first feature film was a highly-anticipated event. But can you guess how it turned out??? That's right -- the movie was total crap, written and directed by hacks (despite a fairly respectable cast). It had, like, nothing to do with the video game, and I walked out of the theater bewildered and disillusioned. Other video game movies to come in the following decade continued this troubling trend. Street Fighter, Doom, and Mortal Kombat were equally craptastic; the Resident Evil movies are only watchable because they star Milla Jovovich; and I still can't quite wrap my mind around Silent Hill, no matter how many times I watch it (I'm guessing that means the movie sucks by default). In fact, now that I think about it, there hasn't been a single video game-based film that was actually GOOD.

And part of the problem is Uwe Boll. Yup -- the modern Ed Wood. A man so inept at filmmaking that his name has become synonymous with bad movies. For those of you who haven't already heard of Doctor Boll, he's a German hack who SOMEHOW has been allowed to produce and direct crappy movie after crappy movie since the mid-90s, even though NOBODY likes this work, and each production loses money. Oh, and here's the clincher: almost all of Boll's movies are based off video games.


Boll's first noteworthy picture, however, was actually centered around the Columbine massacre. Called Heart of America, the film speculated that Columbine shooters Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris were motivated by some kind of gay rage. It was exploitation of the basest order, but I gave the movie a chance because...well...I LIKE exploitation of the basest order. Still, the film was horrible on every level, and Boll's subsequent efforts didn't get any better. SOMEHOW, though, he managed to dupe fairly big-name actors into appearing in his earlier video game movies. Christian Slater starred in Boll's mind-blowingly bad adaptation of Alone in the Dark, which also features Tara Reid in glasses, pretending to be a scientist (now THAT'S funny). Also along the way came House of the Dead and Bloodrayne (featuring a topless Kristanna Loken in a pretty graphic sex scene), which sucked as well. I mean, these movies are CHEAP -- like they were made for the Sci-Fi Channel by a first-year film school student who still doesn't know that you're supposed to use lighting tricks to hide stunt man trampolines and fishing wire. By around 2005, Uwe Boll had come to be widely-regarding as the world's worst filmmaker, hated in the gaming community because of the way he's squandered perfectly good licenses, and I THANK GOD that he never got his mitts on sacred franchises like Metal Gear Solid or Metroid....

Well anyway, Boll's most recent picture comes AFTER his reputation as the crappiest director alive had been firmly-cemented...and it actually pokes some fun at this. Postal is based off a controversial PC game of the same name. It's the first time Uwe Boll has ever made a film that comes close to being good. Go figure.

Postal (2007)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0486640/



Netflix description:
A live-action cross between "South Park" and Team America: World Police, this cheeky satire centers on jobless trailer-park resident Dude (Zack Ward). Desperate for dough, Dude and his ethically challenged Uncle Dave (Dave Foley) cook up a scheme to pinch a shipment of Krotchy dolls -- the new stuffed talking p**** toy -- and sell them on eBay. Unfortunately, al-Qaida has the same idea … but plans to lace the toys with avian flu.


Now, I haven't played Postal the video game (never liked PC gaming, OK?), but I gather that it's a first-person shooter about a guy who goes...well, postal. Apparently, the dude just guns people down, which I think is a great concept.

Postal the MOVIE is a little more focused. It's about a downtrodden fellow named Dude who loses his job, and must take abuse from random thugs, retail employees, and his grossly overweight wife (we'd feel bad for him if it wasn't for the fact that he's REALLY friggin' creepy lookin'). In his desperation, Dude hooks up with the leader of a mind control cult, and together they hatch a plan to sell novelty dolls to get rich. Problems arise, however, when Al Qaida hijacks the dolls and uses them to smuggle Bird Flu into the country. Other stuff happens involving various B-grade celebrities, the IRS, Osama Bin Laden, and chicks in bikinis.

What can I say about Postal? It's charming in that it's joyously, GLORIOUSLY, bad. The film revels in its own lack of taste; it rolls around in its filth and squeals in ecstasy. I couldn't help but enjoy this baby, as it walks right up to the line, and then jumps well past it several times over. Postal may be cheaply-made, but at least it's made with relish. Doctor Boll knows who he is and what he's supposed to do with this one. Huzzah!

Postal attempts to offend at every turn, from the extended full frontal nude scene of the Kids in the Hall's Dave Foley (yup), to the brazen gunning-down of a small boy at one point. Heck, our heroes (if you can call them that) run over a baby carriage in a later scene. Sure, they didn't MEAN to do it; but the film treats the act like it's supposed to be funny, and that takes at least a LITTLE guts to put in a movie, right? Now that's somethin' different!


Eventually, an all-out shooting spree does go down, and it's fairly satisfying. Seems that Dude finally gets fed up, and takes a one-man-army's load of weapons out for a little stroll around his crappy redneck town. We see mobile homes blown up and government agents mowed down; we see Uwe Boll himself get shot in the groin during a cameo; we see lots of tasteless violence, in general....Hey, great fun for the kids, eh?

Postal demonstrates that even Uwe Boll can make a watchable movie. Not that it's GOOD, mind you; merely better than anyone could have expected. If you're easily offended, stay away from this vile, EVIL picture. However, if you're in the market for something that's dirty, violent, and proud of it, then I say stick Postal in the old rental queue.

3 out of 5.

b.