Unacceptable

So, Domino's Pizza has changed its recipe....
Yeah, you may have heard about this -- the chain is basically admitting in TV ads that its previous pizza formula sucked as it does a complete relaunch. New ingredients, new flavor, new techniques...all that jazz. This unorthodox campaign is supposed to be some kind of big consumer event designed to save the company, and I say it's all a bunch of crap.

I LIKED Domino's Pizza before. In fact, it had been one of my favorite delicacies for about 20 years. A treat to be respected and lusted after, it was something I got excited about. I remember ordering a small Domino's pepperoni pizza for myself after school each Friday as a boy of twelve when my mom started leaving me home alone while she worked part-time. I'd wolf that thing down in a matter of minutes, and then hide the evidence before anyone got home. No need for Mom to know that I was using my newfound adultish freedom to enjoy fine cuisine; on those days, I simply ate TWO dinners, and kept my pizza consumption a secret. In an odd way, I'll always associate pizza ordering with independence -- "Today, I'm gonna send out for what I WANT, not for what some OTHER annoying idiot wants. Yes sir, my order this fine Friday afternoon is for none other than DOMINO'S PIZZA." What a feeling.

And Domino's was so greasy and spicy and gooey and tasty. Such an excellent pizza the chain had to offer! Anyone who complains that it had cardboard crust and ketchup sauce clearly doesn't know anything about real pizza. Such haters are probably just freaks who think pizza should be made in stone ovens imported from the Old Country, with "real" cheese and fresh toppings thrown in. Pffft. Why are food snobs so insistent that everything be rich and full of flavor? That's just dumb. To me, the quality of a pizza depends on how greasy it is...and, boy, was the old Domino's G-R-E-A-S-Y!

God, I'll miss it. Now, I've got to contend with this new crap. I've given it a couple of chances, and frankly, I am NOT impressed. First of all, you can smell the new Domino's pizza from, like, 400 yards away. It's got this nasty fake cheese odor (like puked up Spaghettios) that turned me off at first whiff. Secondly, the sauce tastes far too much like tomatoes, and I hate tomatoes. Also, the cheese is all liquidy and reminds me too much of that horrible Parmesan stuff that people sprinkle all over their pasta dishes. Now that's pretty gross, but worst of all is the crust. It's all MESSY! Seriously -- there's this annoying flaky, nasty, buttery stuff all over it, and you can't even pick up a piece of this new pizza without getting your hands all dirty. I got bits of flavoring all over my desk trying to eat a new Domino's pie at work the other day. Now, how do you think that makes me look to the CLEANING STAFF? Was it FAIR for me to leave that kind of mess for them to deal with??? Shame on YOU, Domino's.


Anyway, I give the new Domino's a hearty thumbs DOWN. Hopefully, it all pans out like New Coke. And to think that part of the reason I moved to my current town in the first place was that there are two Domino's nearby (my previous home in the friggin' THUMB didn't have a Domino's within 200 miles). What a crying shame.

Hey, speaking of messy eats, here's a vampire movie.

Let the Right One In (2008)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1139797/


Netflix description:
Twelve-year-old Oskar (Kåre Hedebrant), the constant target of bullies, spends his time plotting revenge and collecting news items about the grisly murders plaguing his town. But things change when he meets a new girl named Eli (Lina Leandersson), a misfit vampire who steals his heart. As a serial killer continues to prey on teen boys in their small Swedish village, Eli helps Oskar find the courage to stand up to his tormentors.

First of all, let me warn you that Let The Right One In is actually one of them fancy-shmancy foreign movies that has subtitles. Yes, it's originally in Swedish, so you'll have to read your way through the whole thing. Now, that's just fine by me (in my college days, I actually rented every film in the Foreign section of my Hollywood Video store, just to be a pretentious jerk), but I know that many viewers may find that annoying, so...there ya go.

NOW, with that out of the way, let's just cut to the chase: Let The Right One In is one of the best, most beautiful films I have seen in years. It's about a young boy named Oskar who has a bit of trouble making friends. In fact, he's a complete outcast -- picked on by his classmates, and obsessed with true crime stories. Well, one day Oskar meets a mysterious girl named Eli who has just moved into his apartment complex. The two slowly start to bond over the course of several late-night meetings out in the courtyard, and we finally learn that Eli is, in fact, a vampire.

She's being cared for by a middle aged man doesn't say much, but is certainly willing to commit a few murders so that his charge may feed. Although Let The Right One In is really more of a drama than a horror film, we do get to witness this man carry out a number of brutal killings on Eli's behalf. He also botches a couple of them, which leads to a police investigation and his eventual demise. CAN Eli recover from this loss, and WILL Oskar accept and even help her?


As noted, Let The Right One In is more drama than gore. It's actually a touching coming of age love story about a confused soul losing his innocence and finding new companionship. Beautifully shot in the pristine Northern European snow, Let The Right One In extends its arms and engages us fully in its world from start to finish. We cheer for Oskar when he finally stands up to the schoolyard bully (on Eli's advice), and we weep for him when his illusions about his new girlfriend come crashing down. There are moral issues to be considered here, you know -- Eli is a killer, but does that make her BAD? The poor girl kills out of NECESSITY. At one point, she tries to eat a piece of regular candy and gets ill, so it's clear that she's not exactly choosing to be the way she is; she's just a hunter. I actually thought the film's most compelling moment was when Eli killed an intruder to her apartment before Oskar even had a chance to reach him. See, Oskar is supposed to protect Eli as she sleeps, but he hesitates to attack this trespasser, and Eli has to wake up and do away with him instead. After she's done drinking the man's blood, Oskar tells her, "Thank you." In other words, Thanks for doing that so I didn't have to. That's deep, man.

Anyway, Let The Right One In comes dangerously close to derailing in its final ten minutes when Oskar is attacked one last time by his schoolyard tormentors. Their methods this time go just a LITTLE TOO far, and I sat at the edge of my seat, thinking, "Please don't let this whole movie fall apart so close to the end. PLEEEASE!" Luckily, everything recovered nicely, and the story wraps up on an appropriate note. Whew!

I don't want to write too much about this picture because I really think everyone ought to check it out for themselves. Let The Right One In hits every note perfectly -- it's an expertly-made, well-acted, perfectly-stylized film. Unless you're one of those uncultured oafs who can't stand reading subtitles, I strongly recommend it. And considering that it's available for streaming on the Netflix instant service, there's no reason not to watch this picture tonight.

Well, don't just sit there. Go on and check it out....

5 out of 5.

b.