Now That's Good Cholesterol!

I gotta be honest here....
The thing I like most about going to the movies is the popcorn.

Ever since I was a small boy, I have lusted after that oily, artery-clogging movie butter. I drench my kernels in it each time I pay a visit to the local megaplex, and won't stop eating until each piece is gone. It's like a delicacy to me; I look forward to it with the excitement of a child on Christmas morning. Movie popcorn is my favorite treat, hands down.

Heck, I was raised to worship at the altar of that stuff. When I was a kid, my mom would occasionally stop by the theater and pick up a bucket of movie popcorn to be brought home as a delicious snack, just for the thrill of it. She'd leave it on the kitchen counter, and I'd jump up to pick away at it every time she left the room (like the dad with the turkey in A Christmas Story) . It's just sooooo soggy and buttery and yummy and GOOD....How can one resist?

You know, without the popcorn incentive, I frankly see no reason to watch a film at the actual theater. Sure, the picture quality is better, but really, does seeing a motion picture in public have any other benefit? I hate being around people, in general; if not for the delicious, impossible-to-replicate-at-home popcorn flavor, I would never seek a big screen experience at all. Seriously -- what's the fun of being uncomfortably packed into a crowded, freezing room with a bunch of strangers? Why wouldn't I want to have the option of pausing a film whenever I need to use the restroom?? Is there an advantage to having some idiot squeeze past you every five seconds as he goes to buy more nachos and Junior Mints??? I think not. Really, the movie theater experience is crap without popcorn.


And I take my movie popcorn seriously. When I've gone out for an evening of fine eating at my local cinema, I expect no one to interfere with my popcorn enjoyment. Anyone who tries is likely to get smacked. Like, the other day, my fiance and I were at the theater, and she noticed that they had that God-awful cheese flavoring sitting out near the butter station. She started to say something about how we should put some on our popcorn, and I immediately felt like I wanted to break something. How dare ANYONE mess with my theater experience like that??? "NO, NO NO -- I DIDN'T COME HERE FOR FRIGGIN' SALT AND CHEESE FLAVOR. IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT, WHY NOT JUST LEAVE ME AT HOME?!?" -- Luckily, she dropped the idea before I had to say that out loud. Whew, major scene averted.

When I go to the movies, I just keep eating and eating and eating. I don't consume anything else all day before heading out to the theater, and once there, I shove as much popcorn into my gurgling stomach as humanly possible. That way, I feel sick by the time I leave and won't crave any more for at least a couple of weeks. This strategy saves money, you know. Fewer movie going experiences, as it takes some time to recover from each one. That's what they call "smart eating"!

So here's to movie popcorn. It's the best food our scientists have developed yet, and I declare it the Snack of the Month. Oh, and you can bet that I ate a whole ton while watching THIS movie over the weekend:

The Book of Eli (2010)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1037705/



Netflix description:
Determined to salvage a sacred text in order to protect humanity, Eli (Denzel Washington) goes on a quest across the country in this action-packed sci-fi adventure. Meanwhile, a blind woman named Claudia (Jennifer Beals) tries to protect her daughter, Solara (Mila Kunis). It seems that tyrannical town bully Carnegie (Gary Oldman) has taken a shine to the girl. Directed by the Hughes brothers, the film co-stars Ray Stevenson.

Everyone knows that Denzel Washington is cool. Malcolm X...Man on Fire....Fallen -- all excellent films. He's one of the few MALE Hollywood stars that I actually pay attention to, and when he has a movie in theaters, I'll usually be there. Only Billy Bob Thornton tops Denzel in the awesomeness department (with Bruce Campbell coming in a close third). So, when I saw a commercial for The Book of Eli, I thought, "Denzel Washington? Violence?? Post-apocalyptic wasteland??? Count me in!"

In this film, Denzel plays a mysterious traveler named Eli who is making his way across North America about 30 years after a nuclear war devastated pretty much everything. Civilization has been all but wiped out, and those who are left mostly just scrounge for water. In the movie's first few minutes, Eli is attacked by a group of highway robbers, and he quickly rids the world of them with the finesse of a ninja master. See, he's got these mad fighting skills, with reflexes that would make Bruce Lee jealous. It's obvious that Eli is the ultimate road warrior, so we know right away that we're in for some skull-cracking action. Pretty sweet.


Well, he eventually winds up in a small town run by a gangster named Carnegie. Played by Gary Oldman, this guy is one of those hate-em-like-em sorts of villains. See, Carnegie is trying to bring civilization back to the world, but he knows that won't be possible without something more profound than basic comfort to motivate the masses. What he really wants is a legendary BOOK; a book that is said to contain information so powerful that it can move men to live better and organize. Apparently, all copies of this sacred text were burned by mobs following the Great War, and it's now, like, totally impossible to find. I won't tell you what this book is (its name rhymes with "The Gible"), but would you believe that our hero Eli happens to possess a copy???

Of course, once Carnegie figures this out, IT'S ON. Eli disposes of countless henchmen that Carnegie dispatches to stop him as he makes his way farther and farther west. A hot chick (played by Family Guy's Mila Kunis) joins our hero along the way, and lots of stuff gets all blowed up real good. I won't spoil the ending for you, but it's quite moving.


So is this a good movie? Yeah, pretty much. See, parts of this film really blew me away, and others just came across as over-stylized and cliche. The Book of Eli is like a more profound version of Mad Max -- we've got the whole struggling-to-survive-in-a-devastated-world element going on here, but underlying all of that is a thoughtful story about a handful of smart people working against the tide of human stupidity to rebuild civilization. Carnegie may be corrupt and dangerous in his own way, but his overall AIM is actually rather respectable. He's like an old European monarch; preparing to exploit the word of God so that humanity will advance AND his own power will grow at the same time. There's good with the bad when we talk about this guy. I was hoping that The Book of Eli would explore his character a little more, maybe even going into the origins of organized societies, but I suppose that's too complicated for a 100-minute picture. Best left up to the imagination, really....

Hey, after all, ELI is supposed to be our hero, right? And let me say that he is indeed quite awesome. Eli's mission, we learn, is to take his sacred text to an unspecified place out west. He's been walking for years -- ever since a heavenly voice instructed him to make sure the book's message is spread to others. He doesn't question why; he doesn't doubt his purpose; Eli just keeps walking with a quiet resolve and no fear. He's GOT to get that book to whomever the voice intended, and he knows that he's being given extra protection along the way. Some critics have complained about this aspect of the film, as though it's offensive to imply that mankind needs religion to stay civil, but I think it's a perfectly valid theory. I haven't personally set foot inside a church in about 15 years, but I still feel their point, and think it's actually somewhat courageous to make in this day and age.

Besides, even if we DON'T get into asking the deeper questions about this movie, The Book of Eli is still a great stand-alone action picture. It's beautifully-shot, and its intensity rarely lets up. With this film, the Hughes Brothers have demonstrated that they're back in the game, and I couldn't think of a better release to knock Avatar out of its number one box office spot. I say check out The Book of Eli is you're in the market for some stylish violence. Hey, aren't we all?

4 out of 5.

b.