Parades

I never really understood parades....
I remember when I was a kid, my mother each year would try to get me all hyped up about the Detroit Thanksgiving Day Parade, and every time, it ended in disappointment. In the day or two leading up to Thanksgiving, she'd be all, "Andy, are you excited to watch the PARADE, honey???" and, like an idiot, I'd fall for it, declaring "YEEEEEAH!" in my most enthusiastic five-year-old's voice. Then on Thanksgiving morning, she'd turn the TV on to the parade, and I'd find myself losing interest after about ten minutes. At first, I'd be like, "Hey, look -- SNOOPY! Oh, and there's Big Bird! YAAAAY!!!" But a few floats later, more of my attention would be focused on the fibers of the carpet than the procession unfolding on the screen before me. I might glance up every so often to remark, "There goes a motorcycle, and uh...some clowns....Em....I see a marching band there..." but, really, I was just waiting for it to be over.


Now, to be fair, I feel that way about most things in life, so maybe it's not really the parade's fault. I stop paying attention to everything quickly...unless, of course, it's interesting (know what I mean?). But STILL, you've got to admit that parades, in general, ARE quite strange. Think about it -- aren't they just one of the darndest things we've ever come up with?

I mean, a big line of people walking down the street, making noise, and promoting various community organizations and/or businesses??? It's just plain weird. I wonder who had the idea for the very first parade, and whether it was well-organized. I'll bet the first person to propose a parade to his community leaders had some trouble getting them to sign on.

--Regular guy who wants a parade: "Look, here's what we'll do: We'll have everyone design bulky, mobile advertisements -- that I call "Floats" -- for whatever they want, and get dressed up in silly outfits. THEN, we'll close off the streets for a couple hours, and walk around the city waving at everyone. Perhaps we'll also have a marching band. What do ya say???"
--Mayor: "Ahem. And, uh, WHY would we do this?"
--Regular guy: "To CELEBRATE!"
--Mayor: "Celebrate what?"
--Regular guy: "Our town, of course! And other stuff, too, though. You know -- I just want to stage a big event to celebrate, in general! I call it a 'Parade', and it'll be fun!!! We'll get streamers and banners and horses and stuff...and then we'll walk down the street. HA! HAA!! HAAA!!!"
--Mayor: "OK, thanks for the proposal, Bill. We'll have to give it some consideration. Now Police Chief McCracken here will escort you out. K, thanks, bye."
--Regular guy: "HEY, GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME. I'M NOT CRAZY, I TELLS YA!!! THIS IS A GOOD IDEA, AND I'LL PROVE YOU FOOLS WRONG!!! I'll HOLD MY OWN PARADE. MU-HAHAHAHAHAH!!!"

(They always call you insane before they call you a genius.)

Come to think of it, that's the only way I personally could enjoy a parade -- if I were to stage it myself. And do you know what? I should totally do it.

I'll just decorate my car with a bunch of festive stuff and drive REEEEAL slow down main street in town honking the horn. Then, maybe I'll get out and march down the middle of the road with a drum while patriotic music blares from a bullhorn. Hopefully, others will join in, and we'll have ourselves a true-blue parade of the people. In fact, I think that's what I'll call it: "The Parade of People."


What a good idea! I mean, why should every parade be organized by the elites, anyway? The big parade here in Saint Joseph (the "Blossomtime Parade") most likely wouldn't want someone with MY sensibilities to get in on the action. Why, if I approached the parade organizers with my own float to enter, they'd probably laugh me out the door. And how come? Just because I'm not affiliated with any organization, haven't paid an entry fee, and waited until after the deadline to submit an application??? Yeah, right. I'm sure that's what they'd TELL me...but I'd know the truth.

Even if I made a really great float, the organizer types probably wouldn't like it.

--Drew: "This is my 'Tribute to Internet Memes' float. As you can see, it's covered in bacon; features a monitor displaying the crying Britney Spears kid from YouTube; and plays Trololo -AND- Chocolate Rain on a loop -- with occasional, unexpected, interruptions from Rick Astley's 'Never Gonna Give You Up.' On the back is a bumper sticker with an LOL Cat that reads, 'You just got PWNED.' What do you guys think?"
--Parade Committee Chairman: "Sir, the parade starts in five minutes. You're too late to enter, and we won't be taking submissions for next year until December. Thanks anyway."
--Drew: "Oh, sure. I SEE HOW IT IS. You don't like my float because you're too much of a SNOB to appreciate the Internets. Well, YOUR LOSS, buddy!"


That's why I'm starting the Parade of People. Anyone who wants in can send a donation of 20 dollars and an essay on why they think they're worthy enough to be in MY parade. Perhaps I'll accept you; perhaps I won't. Either way, I'm keeping the entry fee, and the deadline is May 20th. Sound good?

Anyway, coming up later in the week, I'll have a review for a lovely film about Nazi zombies. I've been a bit swamped the last few days, but promise to tackle that profound motion picture as soon as possible. In the meantime, enjoy the Trololo guy again. Kthnxbye!

b.