The Top Five Most Quotable Movies

HEY!!!
It's time for another countdown post.

Yes, today's subject is the Top Five Most Quotable Movies. I had originally planned to just do the Top Ten Movie Quotes, in general, but ran into problems when I realized that there were certain films that contained more than one quote that would be worthy of my list. Then questions arose. I asked myself, "Do I set a limit of only one quote per movie? If so, how do I pick which one should come from each film???" Not to mention, doing a generic top movie quote countdown would require too much thought and effort. Things like that really aren't my specialty.

No -- instead, today we're going to look at five films so classic that fans can quote multiple lines from them pretty much endlessly, and never get sick of it. Some of today's entries may have appeared on previous countdown lists written here, but I don't care. Quality is quality.

--NUMBER FIVE: Spaceballs (1987)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094012/

Speak of the devil, Spaceballs also ranked as one of my Five Funniest Films Of All-Time list few months back. This Mel Brooks space epic has great dialogue from start to finish. I can always spot someone worthy of being my friend if I say something like "May the Schwartz be with you" to him, and he doesn't punch me in the head. Other legendary phrases containing various PG-rated vulgarities ("I bet she gives great helmet") that cannot be repeated here make Spaceballs one of the most quotable movies ever.


--NUMBER FOUR: Airplane! (1980)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0080339/

"Don't call me Shirley."

"Do you like movies about gladiators?"

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue."

"You ever seen a grown man naked?"

"You ever been in a Turkish prison?"

"I just want to tell you both good luck. We're all counting on you."

Need I say more?


--NUMBER THREE: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1998)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120669/

This wild tale of reckless indulgence may or may not have been based off a true story. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas author Hunter S. Thompson had claimed that the weekend of debauchery chronicled in this story really did happen, but others have openly doubted him. Either way, the movie version is friggin' hilarious. Reporter Raoule Duke and his Samoan attorney Doctor Gonzo (Johnny Depp and Benicio Del Toro, respectively) pursue the American Dream by hitting Vegas with a suitcase full of illegal substances and no concern at all for the consequences of their actions. They put their own lives, and the lives of others, in jeopardy for 72 straight hours, and the result is a crazy ride indeed. Director Terry Gilliam is in top form with this one.

My favorite lines:

"We can't stop here. This is BAT COUNTRY!"

"Did you see what GOD just did to us, man?"

"Is this not a reasonable place to park?"


--NUMBER TWO: Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0071853/

Already applauded by yours truly as the funniest movie of all time, Monty Python and the Holy Grail is basically a series of quotable comedy sketches. Like Spaceballs, I use references to this film to gauge how worthy others are of my friendship. If someone knows Holy Grail, then they're probably OK.

I recently won a minor award by slipping a Monty Python and the Holy Grail sound byte into a news story that I wrote. See, the piece was about a renaissance fair, so I mixed in a little clip of Sir Robin's merry minstrel singing, "Brave Sir Robin ran away...Bravely ran away away...." towards the end. I knew that if so much as one judge on the panel handing out the awards was a Python fan, then I'd be sure to win. Since reporters tend to be pretty geeky, the odds of this were good, and I was right -- I won "Best Feature Story" for that baby. Ha!

Monty Python: where fine people congregate.


--NUMBER ONE: The Big Lebowski (1998)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118715/

The most quotable movie of all-time (by my standards), this picture has acquired such a dedicated following that fans organize "LebowskiFests" each year (I so totally wish I could go to one). Had The Big Lebowski been starring any other cast, or been directed by anyone other than the Coen Brothers, I bet it would have been a disaster. I mean, ON PAPER, the film must seem like one of the most pointless wastes of time ever -- it has a flimsy plot, and its jokes are all contextual. Only the Brothers Coen could have pulled this off...and boy, did they.

Favorite lines:

"I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos."

"She's not my special lady, she's my ******* lady friend. I'm just helping her conceive, man!"

"That rug really tied the room together."

"Watch it. There's a beverage here, man!"


--SUPER SPECIAL MENTION: A Few Good Men (1992)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0104257/

OK, this picture gets an extra special super honorary mention because of ONE line, in particular. I really wouldn't say that A Few Good Men qualifies for the rest of the list (I mean, sure -- it's a decent flick, but C'MON); it's just that I deeply admire the cultural impact of ONNNNE, LITTLE part of it. Allow me to explain:

I'm amused by the fact that, because of A Few Good Men, the phrase "I want the truth!" cannot be uttered in our culture anymore without someone replying, "You can't HANDLE the truth!" Know what I mean? That phrase is ruined forever.

Seriously -- try it. Just say "I WANT THE TRUTH!" in a conversation and see what happens. I almost guarantee that some smart Alec within earshot will yell, "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!" Even if it's a serious situation, he still may not be able to resist. I love that.


And I have made sacrifices for the sake of the quote. Allow me to tell you a story:

I remember when I was about 13, I knew a kid named Toby who had a not entirely unattractive stepsister, called Andrea. Now, because my little group of friends was made up entirely of nerds with no access to girls at all, we naturally reacted to the existence of Andrea in the most immature way possible. That is, we would constantly make "inappropriate" remarks about her to Toby. "Uh...heh...hey, Toby...uh...you know that your sister is...um...like, hot, or something? Heh heh...." Or maybe we'd crack jokes about dirty things that, in our degenerate minds, Toby's older stepsister enjoyed doing with various gentleman callers. You know -- stuff like that.

Such talk always made Toby quite angry, but he stopped short of physically attacking us because our teasing was more or less harmless. Plus, Toby probably knew that he was really just a sad redneck who wouldn't be able to find any other friends if we cast him out, so...yeah, he dealt with it.

Anyway, I eventually took the inappropriate jesting about Toby's stepsister a little too far. See, one fine fall afternoon, while at my friend Josh's house, I used the Super Nintendo game, Mario Paint to make a thoroughly impolite drawing of a woman. Next to the woman, I wrote the name, "Andrea" with an arrow pointing at her head. Now, I know that this was sick and wrong, but it seemed quite hilarious to me and Josh at the time, and he even egged me on, promising to make sure that Toby would never see the naughty art work.


Can you guess what happened? Yup -- Toby found it a few days later, and went on a rampage. Josh immediately rolled over on me, telling Toby that it had been I, Andrew, that dishonored his stepsister. Toby caught up with me not long after on the street a few blocks away. He came running up to me gesturing wildly. I knew I was in trouble.

"Who did it?!? WHO DID IT???" he demanded.

"Uh...hey, Toby. Who did what?" I asked, already knowing the likely answer.

"That picture of Andrea on Mario Paint! I know it was you. Josh TOLD me!"

"He's a liar. HE made the drawing, I swear!"

"That's my SISTER!!!" screamed Toby, clearly prepared to become violent. "I want you to ADMIT you made that drawing!!!"

"She's not your sister; she's your STEP sister. And I don't even know what you're talking about. This is all Josh's fault," said me.

"I want the TRUTH!" Toby yelled.

Ugh. I thought of A Few Good Men, and struggled to contain myself. "Toby, I'm on your side here, buddy. Let's get to the bottom of this. Together."

Then, he did it again. Toby grabbed me by the neck, and held his fist up like he was going to bash my face in. "I WANT THE TRUTH!!!" he screamed a second time.


I knew it was a bad idea to crack a joke at that moment, but not even the threat of an imminent beat down could stop me. In my best Jack Nicholson voice, I shouted back, "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"

Toby beat the crap out of me right then and there. In front of everyone. It was pretty embarrassing.


Ahem. Well, THAT was a long way to go just for a stupid quote from A Few Good Men, now wasn't it? Hey, but at least it demonstrates my commitment to giving fine films the props they deserve in my daily life. I take these things seriously.

Anyway, there you have it -- my Top Five Most Quotable Movies. The creme de la creme of well-scripted motion pictures, really. Disagree with me? Then let's hear some of YOUR suggestions, tough guy!

b.