This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

I'm starting to get annoyed by all of this 3-D crap....
Look, 3-D is supposed to be a gimmick, reserved only for throw-away films that need a little extra ooomph to attract ticket buyers. That's the way 3-D has always been, and should stay. I don't want to have to stop and consider whether a particular movie is in 3-D before going to check it out; it should never become common enough for that to be necessary.


I just can't handle 3-D. It gives me a headache and makes me feel sick to my stomach. Plus, I still don't believe that the technology really works all that well. I remember when I was about ten and my mom took me to a 3-D screening of Honey I Shrunk The Kids, telling me how much fun it was going to be, and I walked away from the experience thoroughly disappointed. I had to wear these ridiculous red and blue cardboard specks, and the actual 3-D bits were few and far between. There'd be some kind of prompt on the screen every 15 minutes or so, alerting the audience to an impending "3-D" scene so that, like trained monkeys, we'd all put on our glasses. And do you know what? The lousy 3-D consisted of blurry red and blue lines around everything for a few seconds. Wow! Blurry red lines!! How exciting!!!

I'm skeptical of claims that the 3-D experience has improved all that much since then. Maybe it KIND OF works, but I'll bet you've got to squint or cock your head to one side or something for the effect to be worthwhile. I DO KNOW that you still must wear a pair of crummy glasses, which is enough to stop me from seeing such a film right off the bat. I tried to give it a shot a couple of summers ago with Journey to the Center of the Earth, starring Brenden Fraser. The film supposedly demonstrated that 3-D technology had advanced enough to the point where it could be enjoyed by the masses conveniently, but I concluded after ten minutes that such hype was all wrong. I spent my entire time in the theater fidgeting with those 3-D specks, not knowing whether I was supposed to wear them over my regular glasses. When I started to feel dizzy, I bailed. No gimmick is worth physical discomfort. Screw THAT.


Anyway, this 3-D thing is going way too far. Not only are major films like Avatar being released in the format (thank God they also offered a non 3-D version), but electronics makers are planning to use it for stuff in the home. Frankly, this worries me. I don't want to miss out on things I might otherwise have enjoyed just because they were released in 3-D. Heck, even my old friends at Nintendo plan to unveil a 3-D handheld system at E3 this year. I don't like where this is heading.

As noted, Avatar was available in both regular and 3-D versions, which was nice, as it allowed folks like me to check it out. However, I'm concerned that such arrangements may turn out to be the exception. Like, what happens if a smaller release comes along without the clout to occupy two screens in the same multiplex? Will it ONLY be in 3-D then??? If so, then I guess I can't see it. For phoned-in tripe like the recent Alice in Wonderland, that's fine...but sooner or later, I'm gonna end up getting burned by this.

Oh, wait. I already have been. Last week, it was announced that Resident Evil 4 -- starring my muse, the perfect lady, Milla Jovovich -- is going to be in friggin' 3-D. What a bunch of crap. There's no way movie theaters are going to let that picture have two versions running simultaneously in their facilities, and therefore, I'm left out in the cold. No RE4 for me, I guess.


Speaking of disappointments, I finally got to see Hot Tub Time Machine this weekend.

Hot Tub Time Machine (2010)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1231587/


Netflix description:
Fueled by energy drinks, vodka and nostalgia for their younger, wilder days, a group of aging best friends travels back in time to 1987, where they get the chance to relive the best year of their lives. And their time machine? Well, it's a hot tub. John Cusack, Rob Corddry, Craig Robinson, Clark Duke, Crispin Glover and Sebastian Stan co-star in this out-of-the-box comedy that takes time travel to a whole new level.

Yup. Hot Tube Time Machine was a let-down. I had a feeling it would be, but I saw it, anyway. I dunno. I guess I figured that, at the very least, it could turn out to be a tolerable diversion for an afternoon. That's better than nothing, right?

Well...yes -- the film IS better than nothing. In fact, it was downright OK. Still, it should have been much, much better.

The premise is oh so simple, and yet oh so complicated: a hot tub malfunction causes three 40-something guys to travel back in time to the year 1986. The catch, though, is that they get to relive their own experiences. See, the dudes wake up in 1986 as their 1986 selves -- to everyone they meet, they look just like they did at 20. So now, they're all faced with a question: Should we relive everything exactly as we already did so as to avoid messing up the space-time continuum...OR, should we try to improve our futures by avoiding pivotal mistakes???

Along for the ride is a geeky 20-something, who is the nephew of John Cusack's character. It happens that he was conceived on the very same weekend to which our time travelers have returned, so he strongly urges everyone NOT to change anything. "Should something you do have a chain reaction that affects other events, I might never be born," the kid warns. WILL our heroes take his advice? CAN the hot tub be fixed to get them back to 2009?? WHAT is John Cusack doing in this movie???

The problem with Hot Tub Time Machine is that there is no hint of sophistication beneath its obviously absurd premise. What you see is what you get -- there's no intelligence underlying the film's many gross-out gags; we don't sense any subversive messages about society, or deep reflections on life....It REALLY IS just four guys going to a ski resort in 1986 and getting drunk. Oh, and then there's the fact that obvious chances for hilarious wink wink moments are passed up. I mean, there were SO MANY opportunities here for great send-ups of 1980s movie cliches! Why didn't they at least do that?!? Like, they could have thrown in a reference to Cusack's Better Off Dead...or even One Crazy Summer. Why the heck NOT???


Sure, Hot Tub Time Machine does lampoon the 80s to an extent (some standard 80s teen movie villains in the form of ski patrol preps get a handful of laughs out of us), but most of the film's humor simply relies on the over-the-top party animal routine of Rob Corddry. Now, I like Rob Corddry, but his character here gets too annoying, too fast. Someone like him clearly should be kept in a supporting role only. Cusack seems to be asleep at the wheel the whole time, and the warehouse dude from The Office only shows up every ten minutes or so.

So what IS funny about Hot Tub Time Machine? Well, Chevy Chase appears in a bizarre cameo as the hot tub repair guy, and has some golden moments creeping out our heroes (along with a random hot chick in the hallway -- watch for the cigarette machine bit, which is hilarious). Also, Crispin Gliver (who I'm convinced is a friggin' genius, in general) is a treat as the ski resort's bellboy. Oh, and then there's the scene in which Cusack gets dumped and writes bad poetry while eating psychedelic mushrooms, which is quite funny...although how he was able to completely sober up within two hours is a mystery to me....

Anyway, as noted, Hot Tub Time Machine is not as good as it should have been. I can point to bits and pieces that made me smile, but those scenes are too few and far between, and I'm really just left wishing that Judd Apatow could have been given a chance to punch up the script with a little brains before any filming was commenced. I've got to give the movie some credit, though, for attempting something that I consider to be admirable: being a straight up, true blue, no apologies, GUY movie. No time is wasted here on obligatory romantic interests or pedestrian lessons about love, and I salute that. If only the picture had been thought out a little more, it could have been great.

Sadly, I'm left with no choice but to give Hot Tub Time Machine an acceptable, but disappointing grade. It was a nice idea, but things just didn't work out. Meh.

3 out of 5.

b.