Miss World

Whenever I watch a beauty pageant, I assume that all of the contestants are insane....
I mean, they'd HAVE to be. Why would anyone put so much effort into something like a beauty contest??? Shame on all you folks who perpetuate this stuff!

(Why don't you focus your attention on more important issues, like helping U.S. Americans who don't have maps???)

The main thing that creeps me out about beauty queens, though, is their smiles. You ever notice that beauty pageant contestants are constantly smiling? WHY?? Why can't they ever STOP SMILING for just a few seconds??? With beauty queens, it's always those cold, dead eyes...and those horrible, perfect smiles.


I mean, we KNOW that these young ladies can't possibly smile on a constant basis in real life, like they do in the stupid pageants. Who do they think they're fooling? Do these chicks want us to believe that they just walk through the world, pearly whites on perfect display at all times?!?

What about when something bad is happening? Do they still friggin' smile???

Well, I did some research and found several troubling photos. I assure you that none of them have been altered. Friends, I give you proof that beauty queens are indeed insane:


See, like right there -- that's totally uncalled for. This beauty queen should really stop trying so hard to put on a happy face. Seek shelter, you dunderhead! There's a nuclear bomb going off behind you.

Hey, I believe that's the first time I've ever called anyone a "dunderhea--

Uh oh.


Here we go again.

Looks like we have yet another misguided beauty queen. This is totally the wrong situation in which to be posing. I can't believe the lack of common sense among these women. Pictures of their constant smiling are all over the interwe--

EEK!


Jebus. You know, it really is OK to stop posturing when Hitler is right behind you. For a Miss America, this woman appears to be enjoying Mr. Hitler's speech just a little too much for my taste.

Beauty queens of the world, please realize that there is a correct time and place for posing and smiling.


Wow. This one doesn't even make sense. Why would they have a swimsuit competition in the middle of the Kent State Massacre? Furthermore, how could the beauty queen be in color, but those hippies in black and white?? And why is she so happy???

This is creeping me out.


Ah, there's Suspect A from the nuclear bomb picture earlier. I see she somehow survived that calamity and wandered into a severe storm. Still, she poses on, just like this chick....


There's our swimsuit woman again. She's blended into her surroundings a little better this time, but her behavior remains inappropriate.


Again, what is with these beauty queens and their pathological need to smile and pose? Have they no decency??? I don't know what those Indian women are crying about, but it's obviously wrong for some insensitive tart to show up like this and smile as though everything's just peachy.


Oh, come on.

Watch your head, woman! And stop smiling!!!


Can you believe that? I've seen the picture of Lee Harvey Oswald being shot hundreds of times, and never noticed the beaming beauty queen until I thought to look for it. And check out the dude in the cowboy hat. He's clearly disturbed by her presence, as well. It's not just me, folks.

Now here's a glimpse of our troubling future....


Yeah, you may recognize this viral photo and think it's just a little girl looking smug while her house burns down. I, however, see a future beauty queen right there. Tighten those cheeks up, expose the pearly whites, and this girl has what it takes to be Miss Teen USA (in about ten years). She's got that evil, dead look in her eyes; she isn't phased by tragedy; she may even have no soul. This is beauty pageant material.

With a little training, this little lady can be like the others. And furthermore, I--

Wait a second. Hang on....


?


??


???


?!?!?!?!?!?!?


I knew it! We gotta get this girl some help, pronto.


All right, all right....

Enough screwing around. As long as I'm talking beauties, here's a film featuring my favorite English rose, Keira Knightley.

The Hole (2001)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0242527/


Netflix description:
Thora Birch and Keira Knightley star in this teen thriller about four prep school students who ditch a field trip and spend a weekend partying in an abandoned bunker near campus. But before long, they discover that they're locked in. As the hours turn into days, their suspicions grow, and they find themselves in a desperate fight to make it out alive. What began as a spontaneous lark could turn into a case of cutting class permanently.

The Hole is an English thriller about a bunch of boarding school students who decide to spend the night in an abandoned World War II bunker that they've discovered out behind the tool shed. It's all fun and games until the four teens realize that a psychotic classmate named Martyn has actually locked the hatch from the outside, so they can't get out. WILL they find a way to outsmart him???

As mentioned, there are four kids: a sulky American chick named Liz (Thora Birch); a generic good-looking dude named Mike; another generic good-looking dude named Geoff; and a hot blond bulimic named Franky (Keira Knightley). Liz is really our main character, and she has a big crush on Mike. Of course, the problem is that Mike (and Geoff, for that matter) is really more interested in the hard partying Franky. Hey, who can blame him? Franky doesn't sit around pouting all day with her Gothic poetry books and cutting herself, like Liz does. Plus, Franky likes to "get down," if you know what I mean....

Anyway, most of The Hole is told in flashback form. We find out early on that Liz somehow managed to get out of the sealed bunker alive...but not so much for Franky and the boys. As Liz recounts everything to a psychologist, we learn the REAL reason why Martyn locked everyone down there, and how the other three kids died. Intriguing stuff, really. I don't want to spoil it for you.


The tension that develops between our four heroes once they realize they're trapped in the hole makes for some great drama. We wonder what's really motivating the nerdy Martyn, while hoping against all reason that the friends of Liz manage to find a way out. The four teens start going for each other's throats after just a few days in the bunker, and we can almost taste their desperation. Great acting on all fronts in this picture. It's easy to get wrapped up in the emotions of The Hole, the mark of any good film.

This film is structured skillfully by director Nick Hamm. Its flashbacks keep us on our toes and fully engaged at all times, while its story never gets too complicated to follow. Sure, there's a mystery of sorts going on here, but not of the "wait-explain-it-to-me-again" variety. As an audience, we just have to watch the thing reveal itself to us. I like that sort of easy viewing experience from time to time.

Is The Hole scary? Well, kinda. I mean, the situation these kids are in is scary, and we sort of feel bad for them -- even Franky. Hey, that can be enough to at least make it thrilling, right?


You know, there is one thing about The Hole that really makes it notorious, but I can't even tell you about it here. Let's just say there's a theory that Disney tried to block this film's release in the United States for fear of tarnishing the image of Pirates of the Caribbean. Yeah -- the controversy has to do with Keira K and R-rated things that she does in The Hole. I can say no more...but look it up.

In the end, The Hole is a slightly above average little thriller. It won't rock your world, but it will keep your attention for at least 90 minutes. Well put together and slick in appearance, this motion picture deserves a rental. It's a worthy enough find.

3 out of 5.

b.