Recession James Bond

It seems that MGM Studios is unable to make a new James Bond movie because of its financial difficulties....
Yeah, they announced it, like, three months ago: MGM is too broke to make Bond 23, and the world just has to weep.


As a 007 fan, I say this is tragic; as an idea man, I say it's silly. There is simply no need to cancel James Bond because of money. Bond is a survivor. Bond can ADAPT. That's right -- I have a proposal for a James Bond movie that would be appropriate for the times. It would be cheap for MGM to make, and revamp the series to bring it into the new century. See, we live in a brave new world of budget cuts, endless layoffs, and general uncertainty. It's time for 007 to become part of it.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Recession James Bond.


Hear me out....

The film begins with a general action sequence of Bond chasing some henchmen through a ski resort or something. After defeating them, 007 receives a troubling telegram: headquarters needs him to report at once to learn more about "changes within the organization." The standard credits sequence follows.


London. 007 enters M's office and is told that, due to the recession, MI-6 and the British government are in dire straits and must make drastic budget reductions. Most of the other double agents have already been laid off or reduced to part-time, so Bond is told to consider himself lucky that he still has a regular job at all (even though his wages are being scaled back by 50 percent). 007 begins to object, but holds his tongue and awaits instructions. M continues: Bond's new assignment is to investigate a series of copper thefts from abandoned warehouses in Detroit, Michigan. Later, he is to meet up with an FBI contact to infiltrate a scratch-off lottery ticket ring in Gary, Indiana. Bond is to fly coach to the United States, no drinks or other frills on the plane. Dismissed.

As he leaves M's office, Bond notices that Ms. Moneypenny is no longer sitting outside. Seems she's been fired and replaced with a temp from some contracting firm. The temp barely speaks English, and has no office skills. Plus, it's a man. Pity. 007 takes the bus to Heathrow airport, where he's delayed for six hours due to poor weather. He waits it out reading magazines in the ticket area, and is exhausted by the time he finally reaches his hotel in Detroit.


Following a lengthy argument with the desk clerk regarding whether toothpaste is complimentary, Bond hits up a nearby casino. His travel allowance being what it is, he can't do as much gambling and just sticks to the five cent slots. A beautiful and mysterious woman who introduces herself as Sukka Myface challenges 007 to a game of craps after giving him the eye for several minutes, but Bond has to decline. Would she care to join him for a drink, instead? Preferably a cheap drink?


Sukka Myface has heard a few things about a meth lab kingpin named Doctor Yes, known to be operating outside the city limits. Seems he's been stockpiling cigarettes and malt liquor for reasons unknown. Bond's reputation precedes him, and Sukka asks if he'll look into what the Doctor is up to, as she suspects that Yes may have also been behind the disappearance of her sister a few weeks ago. Plus, he owes her 12 dollars. 007 agrees to help, then asks Sukka for a couple quarters to use the pay phone. He's GOT to reach MI-6 for further instructions (and to request that they reactivate his cell phone)....

Little does Bond realize that GOONS have been eavesdropping on the entire conversation. While en route to the phone he's knocked unconscious!

Bond wakes up in a hidden blackjack room with none of other than Doctor Yes himself. He challenges Bond to a game of Twenty One, and 007 reluctantly agrees.


When Bond can't afford the high stakes, he makes a daring escape through a restroom window. Back to the motel.

007 enters his room to find someone waiting for him. It's yet another mysterious seductress, this one named Olga Chesticals. She says she's a cocktail waitress at the Casino that Bond just left. Claims she overheard his conversation with Sukka Myface, and wants to warn him that it's all a trap. Doctor Yes isn't one to play games with, she cautions. He's been stealing old copper wiring out of buildings across the city, and --

Bond tells Olga not to worry, and gives her a passionate kiss. They make sweet, sweet love.


Bond wakes up to find Olga gone and AN ASSASSIN in his room.

(Seems the assassin has also fallen on hard times.)

An exciting fight scene follows. Just when Bond looks like he's about to be defeated, he remembers the only high-tech gadget given to him by Q back at MI-6 before leaving England: a flashlight! He blinds Jaws with it, and escapes in his hot rod.


Using an address that he slipped out of Olga Chestical's purse while she was distracted the night before, Bond finds a mobile home park where Doctor Yes has been hiding his stolen copper wiring. 007 creeps into Yes's trailer, weaving his way through stacks of scrap metal, old copies of Auto Trader, and catalytic converters, to see SUKKA MYFACE tied up in Doctor Yes's kitchenette! She's duct taped to a metal folding chair with an M-80 strapped to her chest!!! The fuse is already lit and it's about to bl--


When the smoke clears, Bond cradles the dying Sukka Myface. She whispers to him that Olga Chesticals is actually her kidnapped sister, brainwashed by Doctor Yes. Sukka also reveals that the Doctor is the ringleader of the stolen lotto ticket ring in Gary, and is planning to destroy the entire Midwest by hacking into the computer system of the Unemployment Benefits Administration and erasing its records. He's got to be stopped!

Bond heads back to the casino...after sneaking some gas money out of Sukka's purse. Hey, it's not like she's going to need it, right?

Upon arrival, Bond encounters Olga Chesticals near the bar. She tells him that he has a call waiting on the main line. Bond aims his pepper spray at her and suspiciously takes the receiver. Is this a trap?


No, it isn't. Actually, it's M on the phone. She tells Bond to abort his mission, as it's been canceled due to budget constraints. 007 must report back to MI-6 at once for an important briefing. He protests that he hasn't the funds to make it back to the UK, but M hangs up. Luckily, Olga Chesticals overhears the conversation, and tells Bond that Doctor Yes would be glad to pay for his airfare -- just to get rid of him. Bond accepts, and orders a discount ticket through Priceline.


London. 007 reports to M's office. She closes the door, giving Bond a sympathetic look as she sits down across from him.

"Bond, I'm afraid I have bad news. MI-6 is filing for bankruptcy. We're going to have to let you go. I'm sorry, James."

007 has been laid off.


The credits begin to roll as Bond stands in line to apply for unemployment benefits. He's got a vengeful look in his eyes. DOES this mean that Doctor Yes will get away with his diabolical plan? SHOULD 007 have trusted Olga Chesticals?? WILL HE RETURN FOR JUSTICE IN RECESSION BOND PART TWO???

Only time will tell.


Now here's a quick review of a movie about people with even worse luck than Recession James Bond.

Down By Law (1986)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090967/



Netflix description:
When fate lands three hapless men -- an unemployed disc jockey (Tom Waits), a small-time pimp (John Lurie) and a strong-willed Italian tourist (Roberto Benigni) -- in a New Orleans prison, their mutual confinement launches a grand adventure toward escape and freedom. Director Jim Jarmusch delivers a twisted comedy filled with fine performances and sharp black-and-white frames from cinematographer Robby Müller.


Down By Law is sort of similar to Oh, Brother Where Art Thou in that it's about a trio of escaped prison inmates making their way across the south. Let's see -- we've got Tom Waits, John Lurie, and Roberto Benigni (of all people). Each one is innocent of the crime of which he was convicted.

See, the whole thing takes place around New Orleans, and our heroes all wind up in the slammer through a series of accidents. When we meet Zack (Tom Waits), for example, he's a disk jockey just hanging out on the street with a bottle of Jack Daniels and not a care in the world. A petty criminal friend comes by and offers him a chance to make a quick thousand bucks driving a stolen car across town. Zack agrees, which turns out to be a huge mistake, because the police pull him over and find a dead body in the trunk. Off to prison he goes!


In prison, Zack's cell mates all have similar stories. Luckily, they're a real laid back set of guys. I mean, they resent their incarceration, sure, but sort of accept it...until Roberto (Benigni) discovers an easy escape route. Seems there's a period of time each day when no one is watching a corner of the rec yard and it's possible to hop the fence or something. The fellas go for it, and that's when a swamp odyssey begins.

Yeah, our dudes have to make their way through miles and miles of Louisiana bayou, braving dangers like gators, drowning, and starvation. WILL they make it out alive and find freedom???

(Or, WILL they run into this guy???)

Down By Law is actually a pretty compelling little buddy flick. Shot in grainy black and white, it makes no attempt at flashiness; relying more on the interactions between our three main characters to entertain. Although each one is likable in his own way, I enjoyed Roberto Benigni's bits the most. The guy's hilarious -- he can barely speak English, yet hardly seems to mind that he's been unjustly locked up in a backward American prison. No sir, old Roberto just smiles and tries to engage his cell mates in card games, etc. It's impossible NOT to like him!

The atmosphere of this film is weird, offbeat and original. There's just something about a low-budget prison movie set in New Orleans that gets you right in the gut, know what I mean? Down By Law is fine dramedy; I was sucked in almost immediately. Who knew that three guys sitting around in a ten by ten foot cell could be entertaining?

Anyone looking for something slightly unusual ought to find enjoyment in this motion picture. Made for a paltry million dollars, Down By Law demonstrates that imagination, a good cast, and a bit of vision can entertain just as well as any big budget affair with a bunch of stars. Give it a rental.

4 out of 5.

b.