That's Not My Name

I've written before about the importance of good names....
A recent article I saw about the most common baby names in the United States got me thinking about the issue again. Let's take a look at the top ten baby names for 2010.


Whoa. Did I wake up in the 1890s, or something? Aiden? Jacob?? Noah???

And how about the gals? We've got SOPHIA as the number one baby girl name, for goodness sake. Listen, "Sophia" is a name that should only be used for a character on The Golden Girls, and nothing else. What is with today's parents, anyway? It this old-fashioned name thing a subconscious attempt to return to simpler times when the world made more sense? OR, is it overcompensation for the anything-goes attitude of baby naming that we all experienced in the early 2000s?


Sigh. Either way, I guess these names are still better than the trend of having last names for first names that America was struggling with for what-seemed-like an eternity there. No Pipers, Taylors, or Tylers this time around. Yes, I'm somewhat encouraged to note that at least the top baby names this year were all actual, REAL names. Know what I mean?

And that brings me to a semi-related idea that I have.

Yeah, it came to me a few years ago, and it has to do with growing small towns. Indeed, friends -- I have a plan for getting YOUR tiny little whistle stop ON THE MAP. Check this out:


As anyone who knows me would be aware, I once lived in a little rural community called Bad Axe, Michigan. It was a fine place, and I'll always reserve for it a special corner of my heart. BUT there was one problem: I hated it.

Yes, I was miserable and almost insane during my time in that town. The reason was, of course, its lack of the modern conveniences I had come to enjoy in Detroit, where I grew up. No Domino's Pizza in Bad Axe...no Arby's in Bad Axe...no Gamestop in Bad Axe...no high-speed internet in Bad Axe (at least for the first few years I lived there). The smallness of the town made me crazy -- folks drove REAL slow, and it was impossible to find a mechanic who could replace your brake pads in less than two days. If you wanted something to eat at three in the AM, you were flat out of luck because, in super small towns, everything closes at eight. Indeed, I was a sad soul for my four years in the community.

I wanted it to grow into a big city. But HOW?

That is where my idea comes in.


See, I noticed something while I was in Bad Axe: whenever I told anyone where I lived, they always just HAD to do a double take when they heard the name of the place. "Yeah, I live in Bad Axe," I'd say, and the other person would pause and go, "Wait. What? Bad...ASS?"

"No, no -- Bad AXE," I'd reply.

"Oh, too bad...because Bad A** would be an awesome name for a town," would say the other person.

"Yeah, well, that's not the name of the place. It's Bad AXE, and there's actually a slightly interesting story behind why they nam--"

"That sucks. If the town was called Bad A**, I'd go there just to check it out."

Hmmmm....

And that's when it hit me: Why NOT just change the name of the town to Bad A**? In fact, why not change the name of EVERY small town to something cool and/or silly??? You could attract visitors that way!


Imagine if there were a bunch of tiny little villages with swear words for names located in the middle of your state. Wouldn't you be vaguely curious to go see what's going on there? Hey, maybe have your picture taken in front of the local water tower, or pick up a t-shirt???

Just change the name of some little town to the nastiest profanity you can think of, and see what happens. Or, if you're too shy to get that vulgar, name your town after a bodily function that begins with the same letter. It really doesn't matter. I just want to see what sort of tourist mecca a community with an intentionally-offensive or insulting name might become.


I'll give you an example: in my state of Michigan, there's a town called Hell. Seriously -- the name of the town is Hell. Now, Hell has become known nationwide (in some circles) JUST BECAUSE OF ITS NAME. If such an attention-grabbing tactic can work for that town, why can't it work for everyone else? Michigan should totally begin a program of renaming all of its cities, towns, and villages to things that are self-insulting and stupid. Our tourist industry would thrive like never before!


Yes, people -- this is how the world would work if I was in charge. It would be a real utopia, wouldn't it?

And in keeping with today's theme, here's a movie about a serial killer with a totally inappropriate name for his occupation.

Otis (2008)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0996967/


Netflix description:
After being captured and tortured by the psychopath Otis (Bostin Christopher), teen cheerleader Riley Lawson (Ashley Johnson) escapes and informs her parents (Daniel Stern and Illeana Douglas), who quickly sidestep sluggish FBI agents and take matters into their own hands. But the Lawsons's revenge plan hits a snag when Otis's unusual brother (Kevin Pollak) enters the picture. Jere Burns co-stars as the FBI agent assigned to the case.

Otis is the heartwarming story of a lovable, but socially awkward, young man who befriends a cheerleader and takes her to the prom. It all ends swell!

Just kidding.

Actually, in this film, our title character is a psychopath who kidnaps a cheerleader and places her in a subterranean torture chamber. His goal: to simulate a prom night with her...even if it means MURDER.

Otis ain't too bright. He spends most of his days staring slack-jawed at a video monitor of the girl he's holding captive. By night, he delivers pizzas (badly). Occasionally, his big brother comes over to verbally abuse him. Seems that their parents died some time ago, and Otis inherited the family house. Now he gets to do whatever he wants with it.


Anyway, as mentioned, Otis kidnaps this cheerleader named Riley Lawson. She's left to rot down in his den of terror while her parents go nuts trying to deal with the incompetent FBI agent assigned to track their daughter down. This is where the comedy of Otis comes in. Yes -- the picture is actually more of a black comedy than a horror flick. It also switches back and forth between the antics of Otis, and Riley's frustrated and increasingly desperate family. They eventually do manage to figure out where Riley was being held captive, and decide to take matters into their own hands.

Hilarity ensues.


You know, I almost felt a little sorry for our hero Otis. He's just a lonely guy who's not quite smart enough to function in the modern world without killing a few people. All he really wanted to do was experience the prom like everyone else!

Of course, there's no excuse for the extreme methods he uses in pursuing that goal. No, sir -- no excuse at all. I suppose that what he gets in the end was coming to him, eh?

As indicated, Otis is funny in a (very) twisted sort of way. The most amusing thing to me was the FBI agent who seems more interested in eating all of the Lawson family's food than finding their daughter. Still, only those with the sickest kind of humor will find true enjoyment in this motion picture; it's really not one for weak stomachs. Approach with caution, ladies and gentlemen.

Acting was top notch across the board. You can tell that Otis is more than a base torture-exploitation flick just by looking at its cast. We've got Daniel Stern, Kevin Pollack, and Illeana Douglas, to name a few respectable performers. Also, Bostin Christopher, as our title character, is a perfect blend of creepiness and poignancy. We feel little sorry for the dude, while also hoping we never have to meet him in real life. Otis is one scary fella!

Overall, Otis may be uneven, but at least it's interesting. Slickly shot, and very well-presented, I can't say there's anything technically wrong with this movie. It's just that...well...I wonder who its target audience is. I mean, Otis is just kind of sick. A movie like this is only recommended for a very small segment of the movie-watching population. Trolls like me might find parts of it to be fairly enjoyable, but most folks probably should stay away.

3 out of 5.

b.