The 2010 Year In Review Spectacular

Since it's the end of 2010, I thought I should do some sort of year-in-review post to send this sucker on its way....
So let's get started with a few awards.


-- MOVIE OF THE YEAR: THE ROOM --

Yes, The Room -- a film so bad that I gave it five stars. What can I say? When I look back to the past year, I can think of no more bigger movie influence on me than The Room. Who cares if it's for the wrong reasons?

My life has been forever changed because of The Room. If you still haven't checked out this legendary motion picture, please do so now. It's so bad that it will alter your perception of the universe. I mean, it doesn't even seem possible that a non-brain damaged ADULT could have produced a movie so lousy. I suspect that Tommy Wiseau possesses some kind of bad movie superpower. I'm truly impressed.

My review.


Runner-up film of the year:
The Hills Run Red

-- ANTI-MOVIE OF THE YEAR: HOT TUB TIME MACHINE--

In other words, the Worst Film of the Year. Oddly enough, The Room probably could have won this category, as well...but to give the same production two awards would be lazy. No, instead I'll go with Hot Tub Time Machine, a massive disappointment for me. I thought this sucker would be a groundbreaking laugh riot, and instead it was a lame snoozefest.

Yes, I know that I originally gave it three stars, but whatever. Hot Tub Time Machine got crappier as the months went by, so I'm downgrading it.

Get bent, Hot Tub Time Machine.

My review.

Runner-up Worst Movie of the Year:
Battlefield Earth

-- SLEEPER HIT OF THE YEAR: BOTCHED --

Yes, Botched was a surprise hit for me. A bloody, brutal mess starring Stephen Dorff as a hitman who must battle Ivan the Terrible in an office building. This picture is a must-watch for anyone with good taste in cinema.

My review.

Runner-up Sleeper Hit of the Year:
We Live in Public


-- FOOD OF THE YEAR: SUBWAY --

Oh, Subway. Thank you for providing me with a variety of delicious sandwiches. Whether it's breakfast, lunch, or dinner, I can always find what I crave at Subway. Quiznos sucks!

An Ode to Subway

Runner-up Food of the Year:
Mrs. Freshley's Snack Cakes.

-- VIDEO GAME OF THE YEAR: JUST CAUSE 2 --

Yeah, I know that I didn't write about the XBox 360 game, Just Cause 2, on this blog...but whatever. I wrote about video games, in general, so this is a valid award.

Just for the record -- Just Cause 2 was an absolute blast. I got to wreak havoc on a mind-blowingly large banana republic island nation while learning some valuable lessons about grappling hooks and parachutes. If you're a gamer, you are obliged to give this title a serious chance. It's a shocking improvement over the first Just Cause.


Runner-up Video Game of the Year:
Shiren the Wanderer (Wii)


-- WEBSITE OF THE YEAR: FARK --

Ah, Fark. This fun little hub of internet culture continues to be my favorite online haunt. For about ten years now, I've hit up Fark almost every day. All the news that's fit to surf!

And the message board system will keep you coming back.

Now go Fark yourself.

Runner-up Website of the Year:
Cinemassacre (home of The Angry Video Game Nerd)


-- MY BLOG POST OF THE YEAR: THE BP OIL SPILL --

In May I wrote about my brief career as the public relations guy for BP Oil CEO Tony Haywood. Not only was working for Tony a rewarding experience, but it made for a great blog entry. Too bad I did it on a Sunday morning, when no one ever stops by.

Me and Tony.



--RUNNER-UP BLOG POST OF THE YEAR: THE SINBAD ONE --

I was very happy with how my tale of stalking the comedian Sinbad turned out. Yes, those were wild times -- when I was a paparazzo in Los Angeles. The blog post I wrote about my experience is among my very favorites.

Sinbad and I bond through harrassment.

--2ND RUNNER UP-BLOG POST OF THE YEAR: HARVEY PUTTER --

Fun story:
I reviewed a parody of the Harry Potter Films over the summer called Harvey Putter and the Ridiculous Premise. Well, this movie was actually made by a dude from a town not far from my own, and he (along with members of the picture's cast) actually found my blog, and left a bunch of comments. I experienced a big jump in traffic, and got some cool feedback. Lots of fun!

Harvey Putter and the Ridiculous Premise.

-- 3RD RUNNER-UP BLOG POST OF THE YEAR: THE BEER ONE --

Yes, in October, I did an epic entry on the Wonderful World of Beer. I believe it shall always rank among the greatest things I have ever accomplished. What else is there to say? Beer is good; beer is life.

Have a brew.


-- PLACE OF THE YEAR: BEAVER ISLAND --

I wrote back in July about Beaver Island, Michigan, which is the most interesting place in the United States. I spent my honeymoon there, and had a fine time.

Well, lemme tell you something else in the way of follow-up: a few weeks ago, someone actually FROM Beaver Island found my profile of the place posted in this here blog, and started spreading a link around various Beaver Island-related websites (apparently, the Beaver Island community is very tight-knit online). Suddenly, my blog was flooded with visitors, with traffic, like, quadrupling in just one day. Tons of folks from Beaver Island came by to leave comments, and now that post from the summer holds the record for most comments of anything I've posted (30).

You rule, Beaver Island!


Runner-up Place of the Year:
Sweden.

-- LANGUAGE OF THE YEAR: ESPERANTO --

In August, I wrote about the all-important topic of Esperanto, and got an amusing response from the real Esperanto community. Apparently, some speakers were slightly miffed by "inaccuracies" in my portrayal of their language. Hey, listen -- can I help it if I'm too lazy and/or stupid to learn how to speak it myself?

An in-depth, and totally correct, analysis of Esperanto.

Runner-up Language of the Year:
Swahili


-- ENTERTAINER OF THE YEAR: Jan Terri --

Ah, Jan Terri. She's the most talented singer who cannot sing on-key that I have ever seen. A woman to be adored, admired, and celebrated. Could any recording artist top her accomplishments? I say Nay!

Jan Terri, You ROCK!


Runner-up Entertainer of the Year:
Mel Gibson.

-- PERSON OF THE YEAR: YOU --

Yes, YOU, ya big lug. Thank you for reading this blog! Without my legions of loyal fans, my online writing efforts would be in vain. Pat yourself on the back for having excellent taste.


(Heh heh. You see what I did there? I announced that there would be a Person of the Year, and then I went and awarded it to "You," which really basically means "anyone who reads this." See how clever I am? Did I knock you for a loop just now??? Good.)

Runner-up Person of the Year:
Milla Jovovich.

-- AND, FINALLY, A QUICK RUNDOWN OF THE TEN HIGHEST GROSSING MOVIES OF THE YEAR --

Boy, the below list sure demonstrates why I'm writing on this obscure blog, and not for some big-time movie site or a magazine. Clearly, I do not have my finger on the pulse of the film-going public. I saw this list, and I was like, "WHaaaaaaaa???"

10 -- Clash of the Titans -- Haven't seen it.

9 -- How to Train Your Dragon -- Not sure I've heard of it.

8 -- Despicable Me -- Saw a commercial for it.

7 -- Iron Man 2 -- Nope.

6 -- Twilight Saga: Eclipse -- Oh, please.

5 -- Shrek Forever After -- Are they still making those?

4 -- Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 -- Never saw a Harry Potter.

3 -- Inception -- The only one on this list I have seen. It was OK.

2 -- Alice in Wonderland -- The poster creeps me out too much.

1 -- Toy Story 3 -- Can you believe I haven't seen any Toy Story movies???

(C'mon. With a poster like this, how could ANYONE want to see Alice in Wonderland???)

So, there you have it -- a review of the year that was, 2010. We laughed, we cried...we cried some more. Thanks for coming by, and I'll see you in 2011.


You know, even though it's good to look back on the past year, I also think we should make an effort to look forward. After all, the future is where all of us will live someday. With that in mind, I give you a film that takes place in one of our possible futures -- a future in which human-frog hybrids control a desert wasteland. Sounds pretty neat, doesn't it?

Remember its lessons as we move into a new decade....

Hell Comes to Frogtown (1988)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093171/


Netflix description:
In the radioactive wasteland of the future, Sam Hell is one of the last fertile men on the planet. A female organization intent on repopulating kidnaps Sam and sends him on a deadly mission to impregnate a group of beautiful women. They all need rescuing from the violent bipedal amphibian leader of Frogtown. Will Sam and his "loaded weapon" survive the mission? This sci-fi action comedy cult favorite spawned two sequels.


Hell Comes to Frogtown is about a guy named Sam Hell (played by pro wrestler Rowdy Roddy Piper) who lives in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Think Borderlands meets Cherry 2000.

Anyway, Sam is some sort of soldier or something, and we learn early on that the Army has been secretly testing his bodily fluids. Turns out that our hero has, like, one of the highest sperm counts they've ever seen, which is a good thing in this world, as the human race has practically wiped itself out with nuclear war and there's a repopulation effort underway.

The Army offers Sam a deal: criminal charges currently pending against him will be dropped if he'll agree to travel to a dangerous and barren wilderness that borders "Frogtown" to impregnate the few human females who live there. It's a dirty job, but someone's got to do it, and Sam accepts the offer.


Sam is escorted by two beautiful soldier ladies out to the desert, and that's where the fun begins. First, he argues with his companions; then, he is seduced by them. See, Sam has no way of escaping these women, as they've strapped an electronic cod piece to him that will blow if he wanders off. Therefore, he just has to do whatever he's told. Most of the orders come from his lead escort, the tough-as-nails nurse Spangle (played by Sandhal Bergman). Needless to say, these two will fall in love by the end of the movie.

But that's not until later. No, most of Hell Comes to Frogtown is simply Sam and Spangle arguing and taunting each other. It's when they get lost and actually wind up within the city limits of Frogtown proper that they're forced to cooperate. You know why? Because humans generally aren't welcome by the mutants who run Frogtown.


Now, it's difficult to say exactly how this happens (since Hell Comes to Frogtown is, frankly, sort of too boring to follow closely), but Spangle ends up getting kidnapped by some kind of amphibian mob boss, and Sam Hell must rescue her. They battle their way through this mutant metropolis and make a daring escape through the desert, culminating in a battle to the death with the leader of the Frog People. The end.


I know what you're thinking about Hell Comes to Frogtown. First, you're thinking that it must be some sort of soft core adult film. Second, you're thinking that it must be utterly awesome. Well, I'm sorry to report that neither of those things are true.

See, Hell Comes to Frogtown is an incredibly sexually-charged movie, even though it actually has no sex. By the time I hit the 25 minute mark, I was convinced that this picture would descend into straight-out bacchanalia and depravity, but that never happened. It's all innuendo and teasing. Sam barely gets a change to fulfill his mission, and I honestly felt a little jipped. Heck, Nurse Spangle doesn't even get nude! Not once!!!

Then there's the question of awesomness. Well...despite Hell Comes to Frogtown having an excellent concept, there's really little excitement to be found beyond its title screen. Sure, Sam Hell is a somewhat likable character, and the overall film is fairly amusing, but it's just not that GOOD. The plot putters along slowly, the special effects suck, and the whole thing has a dark, muddy look to it. Production values on Hell Comes to Frogtown simply don't meet expectations (and, believe me, I'm not a man with generally high expectations). This one could have been SO much more as a Troma project or something....

I really was rooting for Hell Comes to Frogtown, but in the end, is all just amounts to 90 minutes of semi-boredom. By the time Sam finally dukes it out one-on-one with the head honcho of the Frog People, I was struggling to stay focused. Sure, Hell Comes to Frogtown is noteworthy in that it stars Rowdy Roddy Piper and IS CALLED HELL COMES TO FROGTOWN, but that still don't mean it's any good.

I recommend renting this one merely for the novelty value. Just don't expect it to be as much fun as you'd been hoping.

Now Happy friggin' New Year.

2 out of 5.

b.